


Paying for the price

by ryiason



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, bitch it might be, fuck season eight, is this a fix it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 40,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryiason/pseuds/ryiason
Summary: Brienne of Tarth sacrificed a piece of herself for the greater good. It is no coincidence that it's Jaime Lannister who is paying for the price.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth, Jon Snow/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 288
Kudos: 373





	1. Jaime I

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I'm back with a multichaptered fic that I may or may not finished but who cares? This fic is inspired by SigilBroken's You Can't Save Her and a sterek fic that's called The Price. This fic came about because I hate Season eight. Hated it. But I chose not to think of it too much because I didn't want to be angry. I'm angry now, anyway lol so I'm going to write a fic where Jaime is going to do more than dig his own grave for Brienne to forgive him.
> 
> Enjoy y'all!
> 
> P.S
> 
> I was so mad I wrote this in haste and posted it in haste without checking or editing anything. I will do it later.
> 
> I dedicate this to my other half, Ponpon and my cute friend, LewisPanda.

The red priestess -- Kinvara, she calls herself -- looks outside the window and at them before saying, "The world will be destroyed."

The Red Keep is in shambles and Jaime can feel himself bleeding out while he holds Cersei in his arms. Jaime rang the bell but the Dragon Queen burns them all, anyway, and Jaime just wants to go inside and forget all of these happened but Tyrion came with Arya Stark, Jon Snow, and Brienne; who had one look at him holding Cersei and her eyes flashes -- she's hateful and so am I, everything I did was for Cersei -- before looking away but Podrick doesn't. No, Podrick looks at him with disgust and if Jaime manages to survive all of these, he doesn't think Jaime will survive Podrick Payne.

Kinvara breaks the silence. "I can help. I can fix this and save us all but the stars will demand a price. A consequence, if you will. Something one of a kind, a center of one's soul."

Jaime watches Brienne blinks and he can tell that Brienne will sacrifice herself. Whatever it is Kinvara is asking, she will give it. He opens his mouth to stop her but closes it again -- what right does he has to tell her what to do?

Everything I did was for Cersei.

Brienne steps forward. "Take it."

Kinvara blinks at her, her expressionless face softens when her eyes finds Brienne. "It will change you, my Lady."

"I don't care -- I don't need it. Take it."

Kinvara walks towards Brienne, holds one of her hands and breathes. "Yes. The stars will accept this bargain."

Jaime doesn't like the sound of that. Doesn't like the sound of Brienne giving something up for all of them. He croaks out, "Brienne, no."

But Brienne ignores him. Podrick points his sword towards him and Jaime finds himself tightening his hold around Cersei.

"A bargain for another. A consequence. A price." Kinvara says.

"Are you sure?" Jon Snow asks. "We don't know what she will take from you."

"Oh, she does." Kinvara answers. "She knows."

All around them, the Red Keep starts falling. They will die any minute now.

"Do it." Brienne orders.

Kinvara looks at Jaime, before kissing Brienne's hand and says something Valyrian and the world turns white sheet and any pain that he feels is gone.

The next time Jaime opens his eyes, Cersei is in a bed and he's in Casterly Rock. Tyrion is with them and he doesn't have any explanation of what happened.

The news that came back to them is that The Dragon Queen is the Queen of the entire Westeros and North is independent with Jon Snow as a King. Everything that happened before that, somehow, feels like it didn't happen. Everything is fixed, everyone is alive, the chaos is over.

Jaime has no explanation, none of them does. Whatever Kinvara did to Brienne's sacrifice, did fix everything. There's no time for Jaime to demand explanations, however, Cersei is pregnant and people in Casterly Rock needs musts to be lead. 

A moon before Cersei gives birth, Cersei asks him to fuck her. Jaime thinks it will be easier for her to give birth if he complies to her demand so, he does it. At the back of his mind, he tries to bury the memories of Brienne's freckled skin and long legs around him but fails. He comes inside Cersei and tries not to moan Brienne's name.

He writes to Brienne, a day after Cersei gives birth to a beautiful girl, golden haired and green eyes. He doesn't know what he wrote to her, except there are apologies and wanting to share the happiness that his child is alive. He's just so happy and wants Brienne to feel it, too.

He receives a reply and all it says, my congratulations.

Lady Brienne

Jaime knows what he did to her -- she's hateful and so am I, everything I did was for Cersei -- and he's not thinking that Brienne owes him anything but... this is Brienne.

He tells Tyrion this, with Joanna in his arms and Tyrion isn't any better.

"I see her, sometimes, in Kingslanding." Tyrion says and Jaime's heart stops beating.

"You do?"

Tyrion nods. "She's... I don't know, different. She still feels the same Brienne of Tarth, the woman you knighted. She's the Evenstar, now, her father retired and she's the Lord Commander of the Queensguard and is the representative of Storm's Land."

"What's the matter, then?" Jaime asks.

"I know what I did, Jaime." He says. "I know what I told you to do and I apologised to her and thanked her for her sacrifice for us but she was... she wasn't cold, per se, but indifferent."

Tyrion looks at him. "She doesn't hate me, Jaime. She doesn't care."

Jaime gets it now. The dismissal. That's what hurts him. It would have been better if she screamed at him, ignored his letter and cursed his name but no, that's not what Brienne did.

She congratulated Jaime, like she doesn't care of whatever happens to him.

He deserves that, he supposed. He probably deserved more of that scorn. He remembers Brienne's tearful blue eyes when he left her, and feels the longing inside him intensifies.

He has no right. No right, at all.

But he can't help but to miss her, after all.


	2. Jaime II

When the Dragon Queen extended an invitation to the rest of surviving Lannisters, Jaime knows that they're going to decide something about Cersei. Tyrion tries to calm their sister down by saying his Queen promised Cersei won't be executed but Cersei said something about the throne being rightfully hers and Tyrion saying the Queen is the rightful owner of the throne as she is a Targaryen and then she started screaming and Joanna started crying and Jaime watches Cersei looks at his daughter with that look on her face -- the same look she had with Tyrion -- and Jaime has to leave the room with Joanna.

"I wonder why I saved her sometimes." Tyrion grumbles, when he comes in Jaime's room with wine. "If she's going to act like I didn't do what I did for her."

"She's... we have to understand her. She's always like that." Jaime says.

Tyrion gives him a look, disappointment, Jaime notes and he suddenly wants to make himself small. "She is. Always."

Jaime doesn't know what to answer to that.

A week later, Cersei has no choice but to come with them to Kingslanding. Jaime prepares himself in his mind because Tyrion informs him that Brienne might be there. As the Lord Commander of Queensguard and the representative of the Storm's Land. So, he prepares himself. Prepares a speech -- apologies, asking how she is, is she well, and how's life treating her -- and he wants to ask if she ever received the other two letters he wrote her.

But nothing prepares him for Brienne, in Lord Commander's armor, with white cloak behind her. She arrives with them in a different carriage, and when she sees him, she does nothing but gives him a once over and leaves.

Jaime feels his spine grown cold.

There's nothing in Brienne's eyes when she sees him. Not hatred, not even acknowledgement, nothing.

He realises that she's not wearing the armor he gave her nor she has Oathkeeper in her hips. Nothing.

Nothing that indicates Brienne once had Jaime Lannister in her life.

Jaime is focused on Brienne too much, he never realised Podrick is behind her. Jaime finds the emotions he's looking for in Brienne's squire.

The look of disgust. The hatred radiating off him. The acknowledgement that Jaime is just a dirt in Brienne's boots.

Podrick gives Tyrion his attention and spats. "I guess Lannisters only care about Lannisters." His eyes from Tyrion to Cersei. "Even the ones they hate."

Jaime feels Tyrion besides him stiffen. "Podrick --" he says.

But Podrick just shakes his head and walks away.

When they enter the Red Keep, Jaime realises it isn't the same Red Keep he left behind before. It's not in shambles, for one.

"Podrick changed." Tyrion notes. "I just -- he's not like that. Before."

"What do we care about that mere trash, brother?" Cersei hisses. "Think about me."

"I am thinking." Tyrion insists. "But Podrick was my squire, and after that, we were friends. Think about me. Think about what I had to sacrifice for you."

Cersei is about to counters him again but Jaime has had enough. "Enough, Cersei."

A Targaryen soldier leads them to the throne room and everyone important is there. The Dragon Queen, Jon Snow, the Stark siblings and every other political figure in Westeros. Brienne is in the seat, as well, the representative of the Storm's Land.

"My Hand." The Dragon Queen greets. "Kingslayer, and you --" she looks at Cersei. "The False Queen."

Cersei is about to speak when Tyrion grabs her hand and squeezes it.

What's a False Queen's going to do against a Queen with three dragons?

"My Queen." Tyrion says. "As you command, we are here. What is it you ask from us?"

"I gave you time that you ask to me. For your sister to give birth to your blood, and she did. You ask time for her to gain strength before her judgement, I gave it to you. But we can't be keep giving you time. We needs must to make a decision about her."

"What right does a sheep to judge a lion?" Cersei's voice rings in the entire throne room.

Jaime has to close his eyes. "Cersei."

"Jaime, are you really going to let this brat take what's rightfully ours?"

Jaime glares at her. "You will shut up and will listen."

"Or else?" Cersei's raises an eyebrow.

"Or if they execute you right here, right now, I can assure you that Tyrion and I will watch them do it."

Cersei purses her lips but that's shut her up. Jaime looks in front of them again and everyone is watching in various expression.

Except Brienne.

She's not looking at him at all.

The Dragon Queen looks amused on what's she's seeing at least. "We will let Lady Brienne decide about Lady Lannister. After all, she's the reason why we're all alive, after all."

Brienne looks surprised as he feels. She looks at the Queen but the Queen just nods at her. Brienne turns her attention towards them, and for a moment, Jaime thinks she's looking at him but no, she's looking at Joanna; his child.

"I want to think about it, Your Majesty." She says, finally. "For now, I will ask for house arrest for Lady Lannister. She cannot leave Kingslanding until I find a suitable punishment for her."

The Dragon Queen looks at Tyrion. "Is that satisfying for you, my Lord Hand?"

Tyrion looks relieved. Jaime can relate. "Yes, My Queen."

Jaime watches as Targaryen soldiers take Cersei. They have the right mind to not touch her at least.

Cersei glares at Jaime. "Your beast will have to decide for what will happen to me, Jaime. On how you broke her heart, I won't be surprised if she'll kill me."

I won't be surprise if she kills me, as well. He thinks.

Cersei leaves without saying anything more to him or to Tyrion. Not even to her child.

He waits until Brienne comes out and he feels himself stiffen. His hands are cold. He gives Joanna to Tyrion who hastenly catches the child in his arms.

"Lady Brienne." Jaime says when he walks towards her.

"Ser." Podrick corrects him. "You might have tainted it but you did knighted her before you lost your wits to kill yourself on Red Keep."

"Podrick." Brienne says and Jaime knows that tone. A warning. "Wait for me outside. I will be there as soon as I finished talking to Ser Jaime."

Ser Jaime.

Podrick leaves with a huff and Jaime watches Brienne's eyes follow his squire.

"I apologise for Podrick. He never seemed to move on from what happened."

Have you? "I understand."

"If this is about Lady Lannister," Brienne says levelly. "I will make sure to give her a suitable punishment to what she did. There's no execution. I know the Dragon Queen promised that to Lord Hand, at least."

Jaime doesn't want to talk about Cersei. He doesn't want to talk about Red Keep. So, he says, "Cersei gave birth to a girl. We named her after our mother."

"I received your letter. I remember offering you my congratulations, then."

Yes, and that's all you wrote. "I sent you two more of those. The letters, I mean. Did you receive them?"

Brienne blinks at him, her big, blue eyes are still as beautiful as he remembers. He misses her, he misses her so much, it's starting to hurt. "I might have."

"You didn't wrote me back." He replies.

Brienne looks confused. "Why would I? There's nothing that indicates that I need to."

But we used to tell each other everything. And he wants to. He wants to tell her about Joanna, about how her memories of her keeps him sane most days, how he misses her.

But what comes out is, "I -- I just want to apologise of what happened in Winterfell." I was happy with you. Happier than I deserve.

She frowns. "What is this about?"

"I don't think I can live without apologising." He says.

Brienne looks at him. Nothing in her eyes says hatred, or that she wants to hurt him. But what she says next might as well be.

"I don't care of what you can or can't live without."

Brienne leaves him there, in the middle of Red Keep, feeling like the castle is in shambles again and every debris is falling on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a feeling some people would comment on how brienne telling anyone 'i don't care' is ooc. i agree. BUT that would make sense as more chapters come pouring in. as always, thank you and i hope you enjoy!
> 
> leave a kudos, comment, or whatever authors do at their end notes. hehehehe


	3. Jaime III

"What am I still doing here? If they want to kill me, they should."

Jaime sighs. "They won't kill you, Cersei. They promised Tyrion that, at least."

"Are you going to let them take something from me again?" Cersei asks, grits her teeth so hard, Jaime starts to wonder how her jaw hasn't cracked yet.

You took everything from me, Jaime wants to say. And you didn't hear anything from me, then.

She's hateful and so am I.

Everything I did was for Cersei.

"We have no choice. You refused to help us when the winter came, decided to destroy the entire realm instead to surrender. The Queen has to have a mind to punish you." Jaime explains like he's explaining it to a five year old child. Like he's explaining it to Joanna.

"But the punishment won't come from that Targaryen whore!" Cersei hisses.

"Cersei--"

"It will come from that whore of yours!"

Brienne.

"She's not my whore." Jaime hisses.

"Wasn't she?" Cersei demands. "You fucked her, made her feel special, and left as soon as you heard me dying. She was just there to relieve you when I'm not there! Isn't that what a whore is? Isn't that what it means? She's just a second to me and everyone knows it."

I didn't mean to dishonor her. "I'll be back later, Cersei. Do you want me to bring Joanna this time?"

Cersei laughs at him. "You fucking coward."

He leaves Cersei's room and the Targaryen soldier outside doesn't look at him. Just says, "The next time I hear her say anything against our Queen or Lord Commander, I will make sure she will accidentally starve."

Jaime doesn't say anything, he just nods and walks away.

He needs to tell Tyrion about Cersei's tongue. Cersei doesn't listen to him. It's been weeks now and all they do is argue. The first time he visited, he was with Joanna and Cersei almost threw their child out of the window. The second time, she begged him to fuck her and he had to leave because he didn't want the news to come to Brienne.

The only time Jaime fucked Cersei was before she gave birth. To help her give birth easily, that's all. If Jaime holds on to that, it will help him feel better.

Jaime goes to Tyrion in the Hand's room and Tyrion is looking at the papers in front of him.

"Let me guess, Cersei did something and you want me to fix it." Tyrion almost sounds bored.

"Cersei might have said something against your Queen and the Lord Commander and the soldier guarding her room might let her starve."

"And she would have deserved it."

"Tyrion, please --"

"Jaime, what else do you need me to do?" Tyrion asks, looks at him with anger. "When you said you wanted to save Cersei, I let you. When Cersei destroyed the world, Brienne had to sacrifice a part of herself to save us all, when she gave birth, I gave us time. I made my Queen promised she won't die. What else do you want me to do, Jaime? What else?!"

Jaime has nothing to say. "I don't know, Tyrion."

"This is what I don't understand. You keep expecting the world to bend to her whims and it did but she still wants more and everyone except her has to comply. Seven hells, Jaime! I have nothing else to give her! Ask someone else!"

"What's going on, Tyrion? What happened?" Jaime asks, because Tyrion might hate Cersei but he cares for her. And even if not, Jaime knows Tyrion will understand him.

"Everything!" Tyrion roars, and Jaime suddenly remembers that no matter how small his brother is, he's still a lion. And lion bites. Tyrion sits down on his chair and aggressively drinks his wine. "I talked to Podrick. He hates me. I tried to talk to Davos, and he refused to talk to me anything other than business. Samwell fucking Tarly asked King Jon to make sure I know that he wants nothing to do with me. My own Queen can't do anything about it because the person I chose to betray is the Lord Commander. The reason why we're all still alive. And I have no face to show Brienne because of what I did. I don't think I can apologise a second time." He laughs humorlessly. "I have half a mind to pay Bronn for company." He glares at Jaime. "Because if I stay with you and that fucking cunt of a sister that we have, I will kill myself."

"Tyrion --"

"No need to tell me." His brother looks at his papers again and Jaime knows the conversation is over. "Go back to Cersei. You always choose her every time, anyway."

Jaime leaves because he doesn't know what else to do. Every time he has to decide, someone else will have to get hurt. Jaime isn't blind, he knows what Cersei is but Cersei has no one else; except him and Tyrion. She is also the mother of his child. What will happen to his child without a mother?

"Ser Jaime." Jon Snow's voice rings in his ear.

Jaime looks up. "King Jon."

Jon Snow chuckles softly. "I haven't seen you after your sister's trial."

"Red Keep is big." Jaime would know. He tries to find Brienne but she's anywhere else where he can't find her. "I'm sure we're not seeing the same sights, Your Grace."

"I see." Jon Snow smiles at him and Jaime remembers too much of Ned to him. His hair, the eyes, how he presents himself. "Will you walk with me? I feel we must talk."

Jaime doesn't know how to say no to a King so he joins Jon Snow.

"I had a talk with the Queen today." Jon Snow starts and Jaime doesn't know why Jon wants him to know that. "It is regarding the alliance of Houses and the realm for the greater good."

"Is it something about arranging marriages?" Jaime asks. And he remembers his own Father, how Tywin will talk them to marriage but instead of greater good, it's legacy.

"Yes." Jon Snow nods. "And I feel must we need to have this conversation with each other and that you need to hear this first, from me."

Jaime frowns. "What is it?"

"I will be betrothed with Lady Brienne. For the alliance of the North and the Storm's Land."

Jaime's eyes widen and he can feel it again -- she's hateful and so am I, everything I did was for Cersei -- that feeling of wanting to go away inside -- burn them all, burn them all -- of wanting to be anywhere but here.

But Jon Snow is still in front of him, and no matter how many times has passed if he goes away inside, Jon Snow, with his Ned Stark's hair and Ned Stark's eyes, will still look at him the same way as he does now, when he says, "You're invited to the wedding."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we'll be putting jaime in torment for few chapters or so before i do the plot. i want him to suffer first. i'm that *hateful* towards him. *evil laugh*
> 
> second, i just want to address tyrion as jaime's brother here. i discussed this with my friends in our gc and i already told them that imo, tyrion is jaime's first collateral damage when it comes to his unhealthy relationship with cersei and i want tyrion to be mad at that, i want tyrion to hate the fact that he finally had something for himself (being the queen's hand) and tyrion had to give that up because of jaime and cersei. so we're gonna have that in this fic as well. jaime realising he's hurt too many people because of cersei.
> 
> i crackshipped brienne/robb and considering he is dead and i made jon the king of the north, jon is going to be the second lead of this fic. #thenorthremembers
> 
> this fic pov jaime ONLY because i like writing him hurting and knowing how much it hurt him that's why our plot is slow going don't worry we'll get there
> 
> and as always, please kudos, comment, subscribe or whatever authors do in their endnotes! thank you so much and enjoy!!!!


	4. Jaime IV

The news of Brienne and Jon Snow's bethrothal is all over King's Landing a few days after Jon Snow told him. Jaime has never been the same, after that.

The Queen thought it was the right thing to do, Jon Snow said with his Ned Stark hair and Ned Stark eyes. Lady Brienne saved us all, I owe her my life. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. The bethrothal is official but it will be announced later on.

But, Jaime said. His tongue felt too thick. But, weren't you with the Dragon Queen?

Jon Snow just smiled at him, sadly. You and I both know love isn't enough to stay. You didn't.

And that hurt. That hurt more because it's true. And that hurt more because Brienne said yes to Jon Snow's proposal. Jaime wants to talk to Brienne and shake her, ask her why is she marrying a bastard? But Jon Snow is King now, and what right Jaime has? When he dishonored her? And left her bleeding out one night in the middle of winter?

Jaime finds himself in his daughter's room more. He never go out -- not even to visit Cersei -- because if he does, he will do something stupid; kill somebody or kill Cersei and he doesn't know what's worse.

Tyrion finds him with his daughter in his arms, a six moon child with a name of a Lannister.

"Brother." Tyrion says. "Brother, are you well?"

Jaime hasn't talked to his brother since the last time. You choose her every time, anyway. "I'm well."

"That's a lie and I know. Lady Brienne is to be married."

Jaime closes his eyes. "Did you know?"

"No." Tyrion sighs. He gestures for Jaime to sit in a chair besides the crib of his daughter; he does and Tyrion continues. "There are a lot of things I don't know about. My Queen doesn't trust me as much now, considering on what I did to help Cersei."

"She's your sister." Jaime counters.

Tyrion chuckles darkly. "One day, Jaime, one day, you will realise that isn't enough as an excuse to continue letting her be a monster."

"Tyrion--"

"Enough, Jaime, I don't want to fight." Tyrion massages his head. He changes the subject. "How did you find out? Considering you started staying here even before the announcement."

"Jon Snow told me."

Tyrion's eyes widen. "The King? The King told you?"

"Yes." He croaks out. You're invited to the wedding, love isn't enough to stay, you didn't. "Yes, he did."

Tyrion hums. "I see."

"How's Cersei?"

"I don't visit Cersei." Tyrion says flatly. "Because if I do, the soldier outside her room might remember to accidentally starve her." A pause. "You don't visit her."

"We argue every time. What's the point?"

"Oh, yes." Tyrion stands up and walks to the door. "What's the point, indeed."

"Where are you going?"

"We venture back to our dear, cunt sister and if I stay, I might murder you. I'm rather fond of you, brother, and I like Joanna." He answers without looking back.

At least Tyrion has the mind not to slam the door.

Few more days, Jaime stays with Joanna that it starts to takes it toll. He asks the wet nurse that he'll need some fresh air; she looks relieved.

"I'm sorry, My Lord, but you were..." she says.

He doesn't let her finish. He just nods at her and leaves. He walks around the castle, wanting to see Brienne and ask her about -- about anything. He doesn't want to see Cersei or Tyrion. He wants to see blue skies and blue seas.

He doesn't find Brienne but he does find the next big thing: Podrick.

Podrick grew up as a fine, young man that Jaime thought he wouldn't see. When he was still under Tyrion's command, Tyrion taught him anything he needed to know about vices -- just, Podrick did it better, Jaime thinks.

Jaime walks towards the training yard and he knows Brienne has been teaching him if Jaime is only half way near him and Podrick knows already where he is.

Podrick doesn't like what he sees. His posture guarded and aims to strike anytime. It is almost too funny, he wants to laugh.

"Pod."

"Ser Jaime." He says, voice dripping acid. "I didn't want to see you but here you are."

"It's a surprise I saw you, even. You're always with Lady Brienne."

"Ser Brienne." He spits out. "You best remember that even if you were an oathbreaker son of a fucking cunt, you knighted her."

Jaime sighs. "I will never forget."

"Good. Now, leave."

"Why do you hate me, Pod? It's not even me --" Jaime does a step forward and Pod watches him close and steps backward. Like, a fight. "You don't need to hate Tyrion, too. You were his squire and was his friend."

"Was." He hisses. "I was his friend and I regretted every minute of it. Because we failed Ser Brienne. We let her get hurt for the likes of you."

"I failed her --"

"And we let you do it. I've known you since I was little, Lannister." Podrick glares at him. "I knew about your sister, about how you're both so fucked up but I didn't warned Ser Brienne. I should have told her from the start that you destroy everything that you touched." Podrick laughs humorlessly. "And your brother knows it, too. Knows how you love him less than you love your sister and if there was a choice to make, it wouldn't be him."

Jaime feels stunned. He knows what his love for Cersei looks like and how wrong it is for everyone else but he never sees it this way -- the way where his love for Cersei overshadows his love for Tyrion, his little brother.

He thinks of the times he explains to little Tyrion that he should understand Cersei, on why their sister hates him. Explains to a child that he might be at fault on why his big sister would rather let him die.

Because Jaime would do the same decision, too, if the decision was between Cersei and Tyrion.

Jaime feels shame in his spine and he feels... small.

"I love my brother."

Podrick smirks. "Do you? You freed him in that cell behind the back of that bitch sister that you have because you're a fucking coward. Don't tell me you love your brother, don't explain to me that you do, I don't need it. Because at the end of the day, who are the ones that get hurt when you chose Cersei?"

Silence. Silence that bites.

"Good day, Ser Jaime." Podrick mocks bow and leaves.

Jaime runs to the armory and locks himself in. He wants to cry but he doesn't know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, we are slowly entering the plot. As much as I want to stay making Jaime suffer, we need to move forward.
> 
> Thank you so much for commenting, kudosing and reading this story. I really hope you enjoy it.
> 
> As always, leave a kudos, a comment or whatever authors say in their end notes. Hehehe.


	5. Jaime V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye, Oathkeeper.

Jaime makes sure he won't see Tyrion the next few days after his encounter with Podrick, which isn't hard, since it looks like Tyrion is doing the same.

It's not like Jaime doesn't know what he was doing when Tyrion was little. He loves his little brother, and tried to protect him from the worst of their sister and father. Especially when mother died, everything good in their lives died with her.

It makes Jaime feels a little pathetic that the only person Jaime has been with the past few days were his child and her wet nurse. But he has no one else, except Tyrion and Cersei. And as he is avoiding Tyrion, Cersei would likely just yell at him if he visits her so he doesn't.

(A part of him whispers for Brienne but he buries that as soon as it comes out. Brienne, the one he had as a friend and respected is gone now.)

Jaime is trying to make Joanna fall asleep when he hears a knock on the door and he says a soft come in. He half expects Tyrion to be on the othe side of the door, but when he looks, it isn't his brother.

It's Brienne.

"Ser Jaime." She says.

She looks... incredible. She walks towards him and Jaime feels his lips gone dry.

"This is Joanna Lannister, I take it?" Brienne asks, looking at Jaime carrying Joanna.

While Jaime is looking at Brienne, and he notes that Brienne is wearing a blue dress.

It goes well with her eyes, Jaime thinks. "Yes."

"She's beautiful, Ser Jaime." Brienne looks up at him. Eyes so blue, like the eyes he saw before everything fell apart.

"She is." Jaime replies. Joanna is golden haired and green eyes but Jaime wants her to live how Brienne lives her life.

"How is she? Red Keep is generally not a place for children."

"She's fine. She's young enough not to remember what happens."

Brienne's eyes soften as she gazes at her daughter. "I will do my best to decide what's best for Joanna."

She means Cersei. Jaime thinks. "Have you decided?"

"Not yet." Brienne shakes her head and she softly hushes when Joanna whimpers. Jaime wants to paint this in his memory. "Certainly I must decide before the wedding."

Jaime's stomach drops. The wedding. Before the wedding.

"The wedding?"

"Yes. The wedding." Brienne looks at him. "Jon --" Jon. So casual. Not Lord Jon nor King Jon. Just Jon. "-- wants to finish every business we have in Kingslanding before the ceremony. I do, as well. We have no time to come back here as we are needed in the North and in Tarth."

He imagines Brienne in a dress -- like this one, only bluer and her hair styled up and she's wearing the happiest expression she has on her face. Beside her is Jon Snow with his Ned Stark's eyes and Ned Stark's hair and Ned Stark's honor. Jon, who never left Brienne for the worst creature in Westeros. Jon, who didn't made Brienne cry in the middle of winter as she begs for him to stay, to live.

Jon who isn't Jaime Lannister. The Oathbreaker. The man with shit as his honor.

"I wish you a happy marriage, Brienne." He says. "I really do."

Brienne looks at him, and Jaime doesn't see the same heated eyes she used to have when Jaime whispers in her ear. Or the longing look she had before that. There's nothing. It's like Brienne is looking at something that doesn't mean so much to her.

"Thank you." She says. "That reminds me. Pod!"

Podrick enters the room, holding something in his hand and a glare pointedly to Jaime. Brienne rolls her eyes and takes whatever is Podrick's hand.

"Thank you, Podrick." She tells her squire. "You can go now."

Podrick nods and doesn't look at him. Brienne doesn't start speaking until Podrick closes the door.

"You might want to put Joanna in her crib for this." Brienne informs him.

Jaime hasn't stop looking at what Brienne is holding. It's long and covered in white sheet cloth. He can feel his stomach dropping on what it is. He puts Joanna in her crib and follows Brienne in a small table in Joanna's room.

Behind Brienne is a window; in this light, she almost looks like an angel and a warrior as she takes out Oathkeeper and unseathed the sword.

Jaime knows what Brienne wants to do. "No." He chokes out. "No, Brienne. The sword is yours --"

Brienne shakes her head. "I already fulfilled my oaths, Ser Jaime. Sansa Stark is back in Winterfell and Arya, as well. It may not be in my hands but we fulfilled our promise to Lady Catelyn. The purpose of this sword is done."

"I can't take it." Jaime says. He wants to go away inside. The sword is his only connection to Brienne. Oathkeeper. He can't lose it as well.

"Yes, you can, it's your sword." She insists.

"I gave it to you --"

"For a purpose."

"Brienne," he says firmly. "Brienne, it's yours. The sword is yours. It always be yours."

There's a moment of silence where Brienne does nothing but look at him. In that tent, in Riverrun, Jaime has said the same thing and he meant it, then. The sword -- his heart -- is hers. He means it now.

Brienne's eyes used to be so expressive; one look and Jaime knows what it means. If she's happy, sad or angry -- it was easy. But not this time.

This time Jaime doesn't know what lies in Brienne's eyes.

Brienne breaks the silence by saying, "Not anymore." She puts the sword down, gently, and Jaime wonders if she knows what the sword means to him. She doesn't clearly, because she says, "Goodbye, Ser Jaime."

Jaime watches her leave. He stares at the door for a long time, after that. Oathkeeper in his hand. Jaime feels weak, lightheaded. He imagines Jon's face and how he looks so much like Ned Stark. Ned Stark was married to Catelyn and Catelyn was devoted to that man. If Jon was anything like Ned, Brienne would be happy. Jaime thinks of Jon, the way Jon is not Jaime.

His chest suddenly feels too tight, he feels the ground beneath him is shifting and all he can hear is burn them all, stay with me, stay with me please, you always choose her, anyway, knows that you love him less, love isn't enough to stay, you didn't, before the wedding.

Stay with me.

Please.

And the world turns dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have entered the plot! Lol. Really had to let out my Jaime anger first.
> 
> This is one of the chapters I have to rewrite and rewrite the scenes because I never seem to be satisfied.
> 
> Thank you so much for leaving a kudos, comment and reading this story.
> 
> Leave a kudos, a comment and whatever authors do in their end notes!


	6. Jaime VI

Jaime sees Tyrion, a child. He's only six years old when he realises that his sister almost killed him.

"Why does she hates me, Jaime? Did I do something wrong?" He asks.

"No, you didn't. But she's... she's Cersei and she is your sister. You just have to understand."

Little Tyrion's eyes are so big with two different colors and they are staring at Jaime until they draw blood.

"She did this to me, Jaime! Jaime, she did this to me!"

Jaime hugs his brother and screams, and screams and screams. Then another --

Cersei asking him to put it inside her as she touches his cock and he doesn't understand, but he does what Cersei asks, anyway, because he loves her and nothing matters but them but Jaime doesn't like what he's doing so he goes away inside -- inside -- inside --

"Brother," Tyrion says. A boy. "Brother, Cersei hates me." Tyrion, a boy, with a stab on his chest. "Brother, Cersei hates me."

Jaime tries to embrace Tyrion but he can't. "Tyrion, I'm sorry -- I'm sorry, little brother, I love you! I love you!"

Aerys on the throne seat and then he burns everyone. He's burning Cersei, Tyrion and Brienne and Joanna, he's burning them. Jaime screams.

Jaime screams as they cut off his sword hand. He screams and screams and there are blood everywhere --

\-- blood of his mother. She has Tyrion on her arms and glares at Jaime. "You let your sister do this to him! To your brother!"

Jaime runs. Runs and runs and he hears Tywin calling him useless and Jaime runs and runs and runs until the ghosts stop haunting him --

And stops in a scene in winter. There are snow upon snow upon snow -- except for a pair of blue eyes and a warm pair of hands against his cheeks.

"Stay with me. Stay with me, please."

He doesn't.

  
#

Jaime wakes up, feeling like his body went to war and his mind wants to die. He can't see clearly yet -- his vision reminds him when he opens his eyes underwater.

"The crippled cunt is awake." That voice sounds like Bronn.

"Brother." That's Tyrion, his brother.

"Tyrion," his voice rough. He doesn't sounds like himself.

"I'm glad you're awake. You scared us."

"It scared you." Bronn-voice counters. "I know some people would have celebrated if he died."

"And you?" Tyrion snaps.

"Nothing. You're paying me to be here. Why would I give a fuck?"

"Tyrion, I'm sorry." Jaime mutters.

"Shh, it's okay, Jaime, it's okay."

It's not, he wants to say but doesn't. He cries, instead. He sobs through the pain in his chest as he remembers that he almost lost Tyrion so many times and --

"Brienne." Jaime says through his sob. "Brienne, Oathkeeper." He says, again and again, like a mantra.

Tyrion holds him through it. Embraces him like he can put Jaime back together but he can't. Because Jaime has been destroyed countless of times and it hurts.

So, Jaime cries. Because he's in pain and there's nothing else to do but to feel it -- until it hurts again.

  
#

  
Jaime still feels tender two days after of what happened. Tarly has no explanation or he does but he hates Jaime enough to not tell or he told Tyrion who didn't tell him because Tyrion is protective of Jaime, too and would protect Jaime from the worst of the world if he can.

Jaime embraces and kisses Joanna, when Tyrion comes with her. He misses his child so much. Tyrion sits down next to his bed and gives him a look, a soft one, warm.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

"Brienne gave me back Oathkeeper. The sword I gave her to bring Sansa Stark to safety." Jaime says.

"I saw." Tyrion replies. "She can't very well bring you back Pod, considering he hates us."

"That sword... is the last connection I have with her. She's done with me, Tyrion. She's done." He can feel his eyes, moisten. "It's over."

Tyrion purses his lips and pats his stump. "It's been over since Winterfell, brother." He says quietly. "It's been over for a long time."

Jaime knows it's true. What he did to her, in Winterfell... Jaime knows it's something he couldn't take back. Brienne begged him to stay, even if not for her, for his life but Jaime didn't know what else to do. Cersei had been his life for a long time. What is he without Cersei?

"I know that." His voice cracks. "But, I..."

"Jaime," Tyrion murmurs. "Jaime, you have to let her go. You owe her that much."

Does he? Is that what's going to make Brienne happy? For Jaime to let her go? To severe all the connections they have with each other? To get rid all the things they're reminded of each other? To pretend they haven't met?

Is that what it means for Brienne to be happy?

He doesn't think he can but he'll try.

For Brienne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's slow going to the plot but we are getting there. i'm starting to realise how many chapters i might finish this fic.
> 
> there's a lot of questions in the comments that i feel like i have to addressed so you can enjoy reading.
> 
> \- it is brienne/jaime endgame but it won't be a happy ending but hopeful one. i don't think i can give that kind of ending to show jaime, and considering this is based on got s8-show jaime. but no matter how much i hate that jaime and i would push him off the cliff for what he did, i'm still a brienne/jaime shipper and a romantic at heart.
> 
> \- there will be other pov chaps! my estimate is jon, brienne, and cersei. i'm dreading cersei because i don't think i could give her justice that's why you rarely see her on here lmao
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and enjoying this with me.
> 
> leave a kudos, comment or whatever authors say in their end notes! hehehe.


	7. Jaime VII

When the decision about Cersei comes in, there was no spectacle. It was quiet, just a letter that says Cersei Lannister, to be stripped of her rights of her name and everything that entails and never to step foot outside Casterly Rock and Cersei yells, and breaks things that isn't hers and Jaime is just glad he left Joanna to her wet nurse. He doesn't do anything until Cersei demands he does something.

He frowns. "Do what? I'm powerless as much as you. The only reason why I'm not dead is because I helped during The Long Night." And she vouched for your life.

"Your whore did this!"

Jaime still feels tender of what happened. Thinking of her still hurts him. He knows his face shows something because Cersei looks surprised, as she takes him in.

"What did she do?" She demands.

"Pack your things up. We're leaving." He tells her.

Tyrion doesn't want to see Cersei. He's outside her room, waiting for Jaime. Tyrion walks with him.

"I won't be coming with you. My Queen has need of me here but I will write and visit as much as I can." Tyrion says but Jaime knows he won't be visiting. It might be years when Jaime sees his brother again.

Jaime doesn't come to his room to pack. No, he comes to a window to watch what's going on outside.

There's a carriage, and Jon Snow standing besides it, waiting for someone.

"You sure you want to see this?" Tyrion asks.

No. He wants to say. He's not prepared to let go of her yet but he has no choice. "Yes, I do. I need to see." He really doesn't.

Jaime remembers the first time he said goodbye to her -- the one when he gave her a sword and she named it Oathkeeper -- and he remembers how badly he wanted to follow her to her quest but he couldn't. Remembers the time in the tent in Riverrun, that time she wanted to give Oathkeeper back and he told her it's hers, it will always be hers, remembers the goodbye in the river, as he watched her go and he wanted nothing more but to swim and be with her. Remembers the goodbye he didn't do in Winterfell. Remembers the goodbye Brienne told him when she left Oathkeeper to him.

And he will remember this one as well. The goodbye Brienne doesn't do in Red Keep. As she follows Jon inside their carriage, and doesn't look back to see him.

Yes, he will remember this one, as well.

#

Tyrion makes do with his promise to write. Jaime finds ravens after ravens everyday and Jaime is grateful since Joanna has been teething and crying all day while Cersei is deep on her cups and refuses to come out of her room.

She's no longer a Lannister. The maids has been taken to call her Lady Cersei. She begs him, one night, to fuck her. Jaime doesn't want to and Cersei throws the glass she's holding towards him. He leaves before they do anything that will actually hurt each other.

Tyrion never tells him about Brienne. Jaime never asks. He's afraid of the answer if he does.

He cleans Oathkeeper everyday, however. Touches it gently, imagines Brienne doing the same with the sword and he feels pathetic enough to admit he does it so he can feel the echo of her warmth.

Jaime has been writing to Tyrion one day when one of his squire tells him that Lord Bran of Winterfell comes knocking on the Casterly Rock's door. Jaime blinks and tells the squire to repeat what he said only to tell him the same thing.

Jaime walks outside the castle to see Bran, indeed, at the bottom of the stairs looking at him.

Bran is in Casterly Rock.

#

"Are you saying no one knows you're here?" He asks. They're in his room, and he offers Bran some tea that Bran politely declines.

"Yes. I had a vision and I wanted to inform you as soon as I can, if you will. A warning, if you believe me. Don't worry, I wrote to Sansa and I have Mark, my squire."

"I believe you." Jaime tells him.

Bran almost smiles. "I have a question, Jaime Lannister. How good are you as a Lord Commander?"

"What?"

"You heard what I ask."

"I'm... I don't know how good I am. But I've been in a battlefield long enough to know how it works. Why?"

"Good. You will be needed." Bran says. "For the war to come."

Jaime doesn't like the sound of that. "What are you saying? There's a war?"

"There might be. I see fire, everywhere. I see people bleeding. I see soldiers dying. I woke up the other day, screaming. Ask Mark, he was horrified."

"What's the war? Also, what do you mean Lord Commander? Why? What will happen to --" he stops. He still can't. Even now.

"Ser Brienne?" Bran asks. "Interesting how you can't say her title."

"Bran." He says, desperately.

"What will happen to Ser Brienne? I don't know. I have visions, flashes of borrowed memories, some figment of the future. But I am not as knowing as you think I am. Just the other day, I found out that the Tarth's sigil is the sun and the moon. Did you know that, Ser Jaime?"

Jaime stiffen.

"She was like the sun, wasn't she, Jaime? Burning, bright, passionate. She was blinding. And like the moon, you liked illuminating her light, until she runs out. Until she's no longer burning."

Jaime says nothing.

"Because you turned the sun into ashes, Jaime."

And Jaime can still taste the ashes in his mouth, most days.

"I don't know what will happen to Ser Brienne because if I knew, I would have told her that putting her heart into your bare hands would be a mistake. If I knew what happened to her..." Bran trails off.

Silence. And Jaime wants to fill it of his screaming. But he doesn't.

"The sun and the moon had a star." Bran says, suddenly. "The star turned into ashes, too." Bran looks at him, his eyes burning Jaime's. "That star was yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand end scene.
> 
> leave a kudos, comment or whatever it is the authors do in their end notes :3 hehe


	8. Jaime VIII

Bran stays in Casterly Rock. He says he has to extend his visit and Jaime doesn't object. Especially if the company he keeps is his sister who's drunk, most of the time.

Most days, Jaime comes to Cersei's room to tuck her to bed. He kisses her temple, and wonders where was the girl he loved when he was young? The bright, golden girl that Jaime loved so destructively, that he would have destroyed the world if she asks?

Some days, she begs him to fuck her, she's drunk and she doesn't know what she's doing. Jaime says no and she forces him, grabs his breeches but Jaime catches her hands and say no, Cersei, no.

Jaime finds himself going to the library, the most. The place that Tyrion likes best. Bran stays there, too. And he usually has a book in front of him; opening it where the Tarth sigil is in and touches the edges.

"Have you ever wondered what Ser Brienne has given up to save the realm?"

Wonders. Jaime wants to laugh. He's always been thinking about it. He's always been thinking what she had to sacrifice for Cersei's sins. But Tyrion said she didn't want to talk about it -- that she ordered everyone to stop thanking her.

"I do." He answers, honest. He doesn't think he can lie to Bran, at all.

"Yes." Bran says airily. "Of course, you would."

Bran stays like that. Touches the edges of the sigil. Except one day, he rips the page off and burns it.

"What are you doing?" He asks but Jaime can feel his blood runs cold.

"It's time." Bran announces.

Jaime orders the Lannister army to prepare themselves for war. There's no news for it, but Jaime knows it's coming. As he puts on his armor, he asks Bran, "how is she?"

Bran looks at him. "I might tell you if you can say her name."

Fucking brat.

Hours later, Tyrion's raven comes in and all it says War has started. Tarth is taken. See you.

Tarth is taken. He reads. Tarth is taken.

"We have to move." Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. "Now!"

Bran watches him and he says, "She isn't married yet."

Jaime stiffen. "It's been many moons."

"Yes." Bran says airily. "Makes you think."

Jaime doesn't reply, just mounted to his horse. He orders a carriage for Bran and Joanna. They're about to leave when he hears Cersei screaming for him.

"Are you leaving me? Here?" Cersei asks, angrily. "No, you will take me with you."

"Cersei, it's dangerous out there."

"It's either you take me with you or I will walk by myself." She hisses.

Jaime considers his options and finds there's none. He orders another carriage for his sister because he doesn't like the idea of Bran being alone with Cersei. Or Cersei being alone with Bran. A lion and a wolf. He doesn't know how they can kill each other but they would.

They start their journey and Jaime finds himself more and more anxious on what happened to Tarth and to her. More and more of Tyrion's ravens comes but nothing of what matters to him. Until a raven about Ser Brienne has been taken as hostage. Jon Snow severely injured. Lord Selwyn is here. Hurry. with a map of where they are. That makes Jaime more determined to reach their destination.

As soon as they reach Tarth, Jaime sees the Dragon Queen and her two companions waiting for them and Tyrion looking relieved.

"Brother." Tyrion says as Jaime kneels down to hug him.

"Your Grace." Jaime greets the Dragon Queen when he stands up.

"Enough of the greetings. We need to save my Lord Commander."

Jaime orders a tent for Cersei before he leaves. Cersei touches his arm and kisses the corner of his mouth and Jaime glares at her.

"What are you doing?"

"I know where we are, brother." Cersei whispers in his ear, seductively. And like a trained dog, his cock twitches. "You're going to save your whore. You best remember who you belong to."

Not to you. He wants to say but doesn't. "Just take a rest, Cersei." He leaves her and orders two Lannister soldiers to guard her.

Tyrion raises an eyebrow as soon as he sees him. "Really?"

"No." It isn't Jaime who answers but Bran. "It didn't happen when I was staying in Casterly Rock."

Tyrion gives him an assessing look. "Interesting."

Jaime ignores the both of them and goes inside the tent and the first thing he sees is Jon -- he looks... like he fought tooth and nail against a giant. He doesn't even seem to look like he should be standing up. The next one is the giant that Jaime might be thinking Jon fought except he has the same blue eyes as... her and he realises who he's staring at.

"That's Lord Selwyn of Tarth, Ser Jaime." Missandei tells him.

Jaime catches his breath.

"Are you sure you want to be here, Jon?" Bran asks.

"Yes." Jon's voice is scratchy. "Brienne --" her name makes him flinch and Tyrion catches it. "-- is my bride-to-be. I have to be here."

"Very well." The Dragon Queen says. "What do we do?"

#

The battle for Tarth is won but the war isn't over yet but Jaime is grateful all the same.

They managed to take Tarth back but it seems like there's more of where they came from as the soldiers say another Targaryen wants the iron throne before being killed.

Jaime sees her, in chains and Jaime's heart clenches with the sight of her.

She's filthy, yellow and blue and almost dead. Jaime cuts her chains and catches her in his arms. It isn't right to think of it, Jaime knows, but he misses her this way. The way she seems to fit against him. But all too soon, it has to stop as Lord Selwyn comes and takes her away from him.

Samwell Tarly is on her as soon as he sees her and Gilly closes the tent. He has no right to be there, he knows, but as he watches Jon limps inside as Lord Selwyn helps him, Jaime can't help but feel a stab of pain.

Jaime visits Joanna instead. She's already two years old. He doubts Cersei knows that her daughter's name day has passed and she spent it with him and Bran.

Joanna still doesn't speak. When Jaime asked around, they say it's normal. That sometimes a child will not speak until they do and Jaime just has to be patient and patient, he shall be.

"Hello, Jo." Jaime greets his daughter. His daughter looks up and smiles. He scoops her up and embraces her, careful not to hurt her with his armor.

He needs this -- because he still can't stop thinking of her body being bruised. His anger spikes as he thinks if they forced her. If they took away her rights to say no and -- Jaime tightens his hold to his child to soothe his anger and anxiety.

Joanna falls asleep in his arms when Tyrion comes inside the tent and informs him that she's fine, and all that needs to happen is for her fever to break and they can all rest easy.

Tyrion hesitates. "And they didn't rape her."

Jaime's relief washes over him. "Thank the gods."

"Small mercies. Lord Selwyn looked like he would bring them all back alive just so he can kill them all himself."

After that, Jaime lingers outside her tent. He wants to see her but he doesn't know how. Lord Selwyn catches him there.

"My Lord." Jaime says.

Lord Sewlyn gives him a once over and with his booming voice, he says, "Thank you for saving my daughter."

"Yes." Jaime's mouth dries. Can I see her?

"You can take a rest now." Lord Sewlyn tells him and Jaime knows it's a dismissal. He doesn't want Jaime anywhere near his daughter.

Jaime leaves.

They stay for a few days. Tarth is ruined but nothing that can't be fixed. The Dragon Queen promised to help them rebuild and Jaime suggests that the Lannisters can loan golds for funds if they need it. Lord Selwyn thanks them.

Cersei stays in his tent. She refuses to leave when he asks and Jaime is too tired to argue so he finds himself in Tyrion's company and Bran keeps on giving him amused looks that probably means something in Third Eyed Raven language.

She hasn't woken up yet but Samwell clears up that she is okay and all she needs to do is heal. Jaime lets relief washes over him. He hugs his daughter so tight while whispering, "Brienne is alright. She's alright."

Jaime never sees Jon around and Tyrion winces when Jaime asks.

"Would you like to know?" Tyrion asks.

No. But what choice Jaime has? "Yes."

"Samwell informed me that Jon should be resting."

"Is he?"

"The man refuses to leave Brienne's side." Tyrion looks at him. "He was sitting in that sorry excuse of a chair that they have. Lord Selwyn ordered a bed to be brought in."

Jaime frowns. "Why would Brienne's father would let a man inside her room?"

"Not flinching when you say or hear name now, are you?" Tyrion raises an eyebrow and Jaime tries not to let anything in his face show. Tyrion is too smart for his own good. "It's not like Ser Brienne's a maiden." He says drily and pointedly look at Jaime. "You made sure of that."

Jaime flashes. Feels anger and shame shimmer in his veins. "Careful, brother."

Tyrion chuckles darkly. "Truth hurts, Jaime, but it will set you free. The sooner you realise that, the better." He drinks his wine in one shot. "And if you must know why a father let a man inside his daughter's room when they're not married is because Brienne's calling for Jon in her sleep."

Jaime doesn't breathe. She calls for Jon. Brienne calls for Jon. He closes his eyes and lets the pain in his chest lives.

If Tyrion sees Jaime breaking, he doesn't comment on it and Jaime is grateful.

Lord Sewlyn holds a small feast for them, a token of gratitude for their help and he politely asks Jaime to leave their island as soon as they are able.

Jaime's eyes widen. "My Lord, I --"

"I thank you for what you did to my daughter. But I ask you leave before Brienne wakes up. Don't worry, I would tell Brienne what you did and she will know it's you who saved her."

Jaime doesn't want that. What he wants is to see Brienne. To know if she's okay. He wants to see her big, blue eyes, blinking at him. He wants to see her alive.

"My Lord, I ask that I speak to Lady Brienne before I leave." He knows his voice is begging but he doesn't care.

Lord Sewlyn is silent for a moment, and then, "Some of these people saw my daughter vouch for your life, and put her honor at stake so you wouldn't be burned alive by a dragon."

Jaime feels his world stops.

"Did you enjoy my daughter? When you fucked her? You probably know every inch of her freckled skin and liked the way she sighed your name against your mouth then what did you do when you took her over and over again?" Lord Sewlyn's voice is calm and collected, dripping with poison. "You cut her chest wide open and left her bleeding in the middle of winter."

Jaime looks down and swallows the lump in his throat.

"I don't know why you saved her. For your fucked up knightly duties or because you're a Lannister paying for debts but if it is, I will give it to you." Lord Sewlyn steps closes to him and spits out. "Consider your debt paid."

Jaime feels Lord Sewlyn leaves him because the shiver that runs down his spine is true.

He doesn't finish the feast. He goes inside his tent and he's thankful that Cersei isn't here because he doesn't know what he will do. He thinks. Thinks of Brienne begging him to stay. He closes his eyes and thinks of how Brienne gave up a piece of herself for what his sister, who he chose over her, destroyed. He knows, he knows he has no right.

But when Tyrion asks him, when they get back to Kingslanding, if he wants to be the temporary Lord Commander as Brienne heals as per the Dragon Queen's request, he accepts.

He'll see Brienne, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and things are picking up.
> 
> as always, thank you and i hope you enjoy.
> 
> leave a kudos, comment or whatever it is authors do in their end notes. :D


	9. Jon I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited Jon chapter.

"How is she, Samwell?"

"Awake. But she's still weak as a babe." Samwell looks at Jon. "As much as you are."

"I'm fine." Jon says firmly. It's a lie. He still feels weak and Samwell knows it. But thankfully, Samwell just nods at him and tends to Brienne.

Brienne. His bethroted, who offered her life for his but they tried to kill Jon, anyway. He touches her face, catches the fading bruises and cuts. He shivers just thinking of the determination in her eyes as she cuts down her opponents.

Oathkeeper. She said in her dream. If I had Oathkeeper --

Jon and Brienne have long accepted that their lives are for the people. When Daenerys suggested they take each other for the alliance of their Kingdoms, Jon knew it was the best choice that they have. It wasn't the most romantic proposal; he asked her quietly, outside the meeting room and she smiled at him and said yes.

My Lady Commander is a good choice as a wife, Jon. Dany told him when he came by to her room, one last time. He didn't touch her, then -- he would never do that to Brienne. But the woman that he loves... the woman that he loved. You will be lucky to call her yours.

And I am hers. Jon said. I am hers, now.

Jon is Brienne's and when Brienne whimpers his name in her sleep, "Jon, Oathkeeper --" he kisses her forehead.

Oathkeeper. Jon holds Brienne's hand, as gently as he can. Brienne has her own Dany to worry about, too.

"Jon." She murmurs. "Oathkeeper."

  
*

  
"The Lord Hand asked how Brienne's mending." Samwell announces. "I suggest you don't write."

"I will." Jon sighs. "I know you don't like him but he is Dany's Hand. She gets her information from him."

"He's a Lannister." Samwell insists.

"Who is the Hand. And his brother, who is currently acting as the Lord Commander of the Queensguard until Brienne comes back, is also a Lannister. You don't like them, I know, Sam, but this is what we got."

Jon changes his clothes as he thinks of what to write to Tyrion. He might write to him, but he doesn't want to give anything away that much. Especially on what happened to Brienne. Considering of... what happened in Winterfell.

Everyone knew what happened in Winterfell. The way Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer, left the most honorable woman in Westeros for Cersei. Everyone knows that, in some extent. Jon remembers that Dany was so angry at people talking about it and mocking Brienne behind her back. That was Dany's first rule as a Queen, to respect Brienne even she doesn't see it or the Dragons will answer to them.

The rest of Winterfell knows what happened, of course, but Jon, Sam, Gilly and Podrick know differently.

They saw how Brienne after it. How weak she had been, how she cried night after night, how crimson red never looked good against her pale skin.

Jon shivers, thinking of what happened in one particular night. I don't -- she said then. I didn't --

Jon wanted to hurt Jaime. That much is true. He may not love Brienne the way he loved Dany but he treasures her. And when he told Jaime that he's going to marry Brienne, Jon had the sadistic pleasure of watching Jaime's myriad expressions of grief as he realised that he couldn't touch Brienne. Not anymore.

"I don't know why Kingslayer is still trying to be in the same vicinity as Brienne and why we're letting him." Samwell grits his teeth. "He wasn't there when he needed her. Leaving her was one thing, but when he --"

"Sam." Jon says, a warning. Sam shuts his mouth.

A pregnant silence passes between them. 

It's Sam who breaks it. "You know what happened, Jon, and the things Brienne had to sacrifice."

Jon sighs. "I know, Sam."

"We have to protect her."

Jon thinks of that day in Red Keep, when the red priestess told them she can save the world and how Brienne decided to sacrifice a piece of herself for the greater good. He closed his eyes as he watched it happening. How when he realised what the sacrifice was, Jon wanted nothing more than to break Jaime Lannister's jaw.

Brienne doesn't need protecting. Jon doesn't think there's even a tender place in Brienne's skin that Jaime can sunk his teeth on anymore.

  
*

  
Weeks later, Brienne's has started to improve. But not much that Jon is willing to take the risk of her stressing herself as the Lord Commander of the Queensguard.

Brienne pouts at him for it; her blue eyes and plump lips make her adorable. Jon has to smile.

"Samwell says maybe a few more weeks, we can go back to Red Keep. But he strongly suggests that you take a lot of time to rest even if we're there." Jon informs her.

"And let me guess," Brienne looks at him. Her eyes reminds him of blue seas he read before in a book and how Jon longed to see of what lies beyond North. "You're going to tail me around, reminding me of it."

"Yes." Jon grins. He can't help it. "I'm glad you're getting it, My Lady."

Brienne snorts. "You're such a pushover."

Jon takes the food on the small table that the servant left. He looks at Brienne and raises his eyebrow.

Brienne's blue eyes widen. "You are not feeding me."

"And yet, I am." Jon chuckles. "Let me do this for you, Brienne, as your future foolish husband wants to."

She stiffens at the mention of husband and Jon wants to slap himself for what he said.

"Brienne, it's -- I'm sorry."

She nods and ducks her head down.

It's been many moons after their engagement but they aren't married yet. There were so many... things to consider, at first. Jon wanted Tarth to like him and to take him as Evenstar's consort and Jon spent a lot of time in Brienne's home to prove himself. And then, there's the North that already loves Brienne as she saved the entire realm.

("I don't want to be thanked." Brienne tells him, on their first day in the North.

"For what?"

"For the sacrifice. It's the most dishonorable act I've ever done."

It is not. Jon wants to tell her. You are the most honorable and bravest Knight this world has seen and it doesn't deserve you.

But Jon just says, "I'll tell them not to mention it again.")

But the following moons after that? They don't know how to explain why they aren't married, yet. Jon knows why but it doesn't mean he's willing to explain it to people. This is between him and Brienne.

"Brienne," Jon says and waits until Brienne looks up to speak. "I'm not -- I would wait until you're ready."

"I know. I just --" Brienne breathes. "I don't know why I'm scared."

Jon, she said in her dream. Oathkeeper.

"You don't need to know why. I promise you, I'll wait."

Brienne smiles at him. "Thank you, Jon."

And Jon doesn't know where it came from. Maybe because it's her eyes, the bluest pair he'd ever seen and he always wanted to taste the summer.

He kisses her. Gently. A peck. He pulls back as soon as he does it and Brienne looks as surprised as he feels.

"I'm sorry." Jon croaks out. "I--"

But Brienne doesn't let him finish. She pulls him by his tunic and kisses him. Jon opens his mouth to let Brienne in and Brienne moans against his mouth. Jon is not a man that lets his carnal desires to control him but Brienne tastes so good that he just has to --

As he puts himself on top of her, the plate he's holding comes crashing down between them and food is everywhere at once.

"Shit!" Jon exclaims. "Are you alright?"

"I am." Brienne moans out. It sends a twitch in Jon's cock. "The soup is still hot."

"Shit." He helps Brienne stands up and she's so tall that Jon looks like Tyrion against her but, huh. That works for him. Because he can feel himself stirring in his pants.

Jon clears his throat. "Let me clean this up."

"You don't have to, Jon, we can just ask --"

"It's okay." He says. Jon is going to use this time to calm himself down. "Let me. Also, you need to change. I have to change."

Jon and Brienne stare at each other and they laugh. Loudly. Because there's something so funny on how their first kiss ended up with soup between them.

This is the first time that Jon feels they'll be alright.

Even if Jon still feels a void that Dany left behind.

Even if Brienne still dreams of Oathkeeper.

Even if the sacrifice Brienne made is still hanging on their heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i given him justice? did he meet your expectations?


	10. Jaime IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Implied sexual content.

"Ser Brienne will be back." Tyrion, announces, slurring the words together. He comes in Jaime's room already deep in his cups and another set of wine in his hands. "We must prepare for her arrival."

Jaime knows he stops moving for a second but it feels like eternity. "She's healed?"

"The letter they sent said she's healing just fine. But as we are in the middle of a war with an unknown opponent, they felt she needs to come back."

They. Jaime knows what that entails.

Tyrion puts his cup in Jaime's small table and glares at him.

"What?"

"She's with Jon." Tyrion says.

Jaime doesn't need to be reminded. "I know."

"No, she's with Jon, Jaime. Brienne will be married to Jon, sooner or later. They will fuck, they will have children who will inherit the North and Tarth."

He feels his blood burn. "I know, Ty--"

"I am not so stupid on the reason why you accepted this position, Jaime. I was there when you forced Cersei to go back to Casterly Rock. I'm here, not as the Queen's Hand, but as your brother." Tyrion looks at him straight in the eye. "She's not going to come back to you. Do your job and leave."

"Tyrion, I just -- I just wanted to know how she is. I just want to see her --"

"Don't be stupid, Jaime, it is not your color." He hisses. "If you think this is enough for her to even consider to give you forgiveness, don't bother." He drinks his wine and sighs. "Just because Cersei isn't here, doesn't mean you're not in a leash. We all know how will this end, brother."

Stay with me. Stay with me, please.

"Let me have this. Just once." He whispers.

Tyrion chuckles darkly and leaves Jaime with his thoughts.

Jaime doesn't sleep that night.

  
*

  
Cersei wrote him a letter that he doesn't bother to read. He asks his squire to put it in a fire. There's nothing in her letter that will benefit him, anyway. Joanna is with him -- he doesn't trust Cersei that she won't accidentally forget that she has a daughter -- and Casterly Rock is under his cousin's command until he comes back.

He doesn't need to know what Cersei has to say. His face still stings when he gets reminded how Cersei slapped him and called him an idiot for accepting the position for Brienne that Cersei called his whore. For the first time in his life, he wanted to hurt Cersei. Cersei saw the glint in his eyes, then, and that shut her mouth.

Tyrion had to beg the Dragon Queen not to kill Cersei, as Brienne's decision when she had her trial. One of the things Tyrion had to do for her sister that will not thank him for his doing.

"She will be punished." The Dragon Queen said, calmly. "Not now, yes but as soon as my Lord Commander comes back, I will let her decide."

She left. But not before glaring at him.

The Dragon Queen has no love for him -- as he is to her. She reminds him of Aerys too much. But as Tyrion fondly tells him, she is not her father. But it does raises the question: why did she decide to give Jaime the position in the first place?

Jaime is still thinking of an answer when he finds Bronn in the training yard.

"Have you seen my brother?" Jaime asks.

Bronn gives him his usual look. "Do I look like your brother's keeper?"

"No." Jaime still feels strange seeing Bronn anywhere in Red Keep. He doesn't question it, either. He feels like it's another box to open that has more questions to answer. "I just want to know if you've seen him."

"Saw him with Lord Bran in the sept."

"Thank you." Jaime replies. And for a moment, it looks like Bronn has something more to say but he doesn't. Jaime leaves him. He has to ask Tyrion about Bronn. Him being polite seems a warning that something bad is going to happen.

Jaime does find Tyrion with Bran in the sept. They're in front of the altar of the Mother.

"Brother," Jaime calls. "Lord Bran."

"Jaime," Tyrion moans. "Don't talk too loud."

"I'm just Bran."

Jaime has to smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Other than decomposing?" Tyrion groans. He looks at him. "Did I do something to you last night?"

Jaime swallows down the words. You told me I don't deserve Brienne's forgiveness and I'm on Cersei's leash. But he catches Bran blinks at him. Jaime knows Bran has an idea of what he has to swallow down. "Nothing." He lies.

Tyrion nods and ducks down his head.

Bran flicks his gaze towards Jaime. "To answer your question, Ser Jaime, I'm here because I like the quiet."

Jaime looks at the altar of the Mother in front of them. "Why in front of the Mother?"

Bran breathes. "I'm mourning."

Tyrion looks up. "For what?"

"For who." Bran corrects.

"Will someone die?" Jaime asks.

"A star." Bran says. "They say all stars are dead but not this one. This one was alive and we are allowed to mourn for it."

Jaime and Tyrion look at each other. Soemtimes, Bran says something that makes no sense in the moment. Bran had said something similar when he was in Casterly Rock. When Jaime asked, he just said time will tell.

"I would like to leave." Bran announces. "Can you push me?"

Jaime rolls his eyes. "I will give you a hand with that."

Tyrion groans at them. "These japes... do you enjoy them?"

"Well, we are both crippled." Bran answers.

Jaime pushes Bran's chair with Tyrion in tow. When they come out the sept, Podrick is outside waiting for them.

Podrick. Brienne's squire. She's here?

"Podrick." Bran says. "It's nice to see you."

"Yes, My Lord." Podrick nods at him. He refuses to look at Jaime and Tyrion. "Lord Hand," he grits out. "The Lord Commander has come back. She wants to speak with you."

Brienne has come back. She's here. Jaime's heart beat feels like chaos.

"Of course." Tyrion nods. "Jaime, you will have to be there, too."

Jaime nods.

Jaime pushes Bran up until the courtyard where he says he'll be staying. He has a look in his eyes he gets when he sees something in his vision. Jaime and Tyrion follow Podrick and Jaime doesn't know how to prepare himself when he sees Brienne. It doesn't matter how much time he has to prepare, it's not enough.

And all too soon, he sees her.

Podrick opens the door in the meeting room, and she's there, standing, in her Lord Commander armor and a sword that isn't... Oathkeeper.

She's breathtaking. She's magnificent and maybe Tyrion is right, he doesn't deserve her forgiveness.

Jaime walks closer and sees the bruises and cuts that the armor can't hide. He wishes he could kill whoever who hurt her.

You will be killing yourself first, a voice that sounds a little like Cersei whispers in his ear.

Jaime realises that she's not the only one here. Davos, Tarly and the rest of the council are here except the Dragon Queen.

Davos raises an eyebrow. "Well, shall we begin?"

  
*

  
Jaime doesn't have the chance to talk to Brienne because as soon as the meeting finishes, Brienne demands to see the soldiers. After that, she wants ravens to be send to other Kingdoms to warn them. She's better at being the Lord Commander than Jaime is and Jaime feels his heart burst with pride.

It isn't until they do another round of meeting later that day that Jaime has the chance he's waiting for.

"Ser Jaime." Brienne says. "Will you join me? I want to ask how things were without me."

Jaime feels his heart on his throat. He can feel everyone's eyes on him. "Yes.

"Are you sure, Lord Commander?" Tarly asks. Jaime watches as Tarly's hand curls and turns into a fist. "I'm pretty sure we can discuss it here. With us."

"Clever." Tyrion murmurs besides him.

"Ser Brienne can do what she wants." Davos says slowly. He flicks his eyes towards Jaime. A warning is written all over his face. "I'm sure Ser Jaime wouldn't do anything that will bring her dishonor."

Brienne sighs. "I feel must we discuss about this. Ser Jaime was here when I wasn't, and he had been good enough as Lord Commander. He also saved me when I was captured in my own home. We must give him the respect he deserves."

Tarly scoffs. "If he deserves it."

"Sam." Brienne says.

"We are aware... of Ser Jaime's circumstances." Davos says the word circumstances like the way he would say the word trash and Jaime would be impressed if he wasn't the point of the topic. "There's just... some complications as it were."

"What happened to Winterfell is between me and him." Brienne says and Jaime has to close his eyes as he feels shame in his spine. "That was done. We must move on."

How? Jaime wants to scream at her. How were you done on what happened?

Sam gazes at Brienne with hurt expression on his face. "Yes. I would say so, too." He says softly.

"Thank you." Brienne nods. "Shall we?"

Jaime has nothing to say but nod. He can feel everyone staring at them when they leave the room.

"About Winterfell..." Jaime says Brienne closes the door and he knows they won't hear them from outside.

"Yes?"

"I... I apologise for it."

"You had done that. No need."

Jaime stares at her. Remembers how her big blue eyes looked when she begged him to stay. "I see."

"We all made our choices, Ser Jaime. I may not understood it, then, but I understand now. Cersei is your choice. Everything is just second against her."

Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. "Brienne."

Brienne frowns at him. "Am I wrong?"

Everything I did was for Cersei.

Love is not enough reason to stay. You didn't.

Jaime replies nothing.

Brienne seems to be satisfied.

When they get to the training yard, Jaime busies himself on explaining to Brienne about the improvement of the soldiers and some ideas for the war that only a Lord Commander and a soldier understand. Brienne listens and Jaime tries to paint every bit of her face, body and voice in his memory.

He's still doing it until he hears Joanna's wet nurse's voice calling for him. Jaime turns around to see Joanna running towards him.

"Jo!" He calls. His daughter reaches him and hugs him with all of her might.

"She's been looking for you." Joanna's wet nurse says. "Well, I assumed she is as she kept pointing to the door."

Jaime clutches his daughter tightly. "I miss you too."

"Lady Joanna." Brienne calls.

Jaime gives her a startled look. Brienne shakes her head and smiles at him.

"It's alright." She says softly. She gives Joanna a pat in the cheek. "Hello, Lady Joanna. I am Brienne of Tarth."

Joanna stares at her. Her green eyes blinking. She reaches out and touches Brienne's face. And at Jaime's shock, Joanna says, "Bri! Bri!"

Jaime's eyes widen. Joanna's first word.

"Bri! Bri!" Joanna giggles. "Bri! Bri?"

"Yes, I am!" Brienne replies. She takes her from Jaime which is not a hardship. Joanna embraces Brienne like a child would to a mother. "You are so smart, Lady Joanna."

Jaime is astonished. His child. His child with the woman she loves. All he wants is to embrace them both and he could do it. It would be so easy. But Tyrion's words last night lashes out in his head. His hand curls around itself and he longs for his other hand that it starts to hurt. "She likes you." He croaks out, instead.

Brienne has no idea that Jaime feels like the world has crushed down on him. "I'm happy she does."

Jaime watches helplessly as Joanna continues to giggle at Brienne's smiles.

  
*

"I can't believe it." Tyrion's disbelieving face is comical. Joanna is on his lap, calling Brienne's name over and over again. "Her first word is Ser Brienne's name?"

"You're hearing my daughter say it." Jaime can't help it. He's happy.

"Ser Brienne is truly a miracle, isn't she?" Tyrion says. "Too bad she couldn't change you."

Jaime stiffen. Tyrion looks like he wants to take back what he said.

"Jaime, I'm sorry." Tyrion tells him, helplessly. "I-- in the meeting earlier, you were already -- I shouldn't have --"

"It's okay." Jaime's good mood shutters in an instant. Everything is just second against her, Brienne had said. And Jaime couldn't even deny it. "Can you take care of Joanna for me? I just need some fresh air."

Tyrion nods. "I really am sorry, brother."

Jaime tries to smile. "I'll be back." He leaves before Tyrion can say anything.

He knows Tyrion means nothing bad about it. That talking about how Jaime will always choose Cersei is probably a casual conversation he had with Bronn. But knowing and hearing it are two different things.

He sighs. He needs something to do before he loses his mind.

Jaime remembers every part of Red Keep, like a back of his hand. He has been walking in every hallway million of times before. He wonders if he can go back to Elia's room without feeling the ghost behind him.

But before he does go there, he hears something in the hallway he passed. A groan. Jaime frowns. He walks back to check the hallway again. He can hear it, a little louder this time. He walks through it, the noise gets a little clearer and he hears a distinct moan this time, in one of the door.

A familiar one.

Jaime feels his stomach drops.

"Jon."

It's Brienne.

"Jon, gods -- I can't --"

"Yes, you can." Jaime is certain that is Jon fucking Snow's voice. "Please, please for me, come for me, I need it, Brienne --"

Jaime has half a mind to run away. Fuck the ghost of Red Keep. This will what haunts him forever. He continues running until he finds a ground he can walk on without it shifting in his eyes. He stops, and a couple of seconds later, he feels his stomach turn and he throws up everything he ate.

He leans in one of the walls and feels his knees weak. He doesn't want to close his eyes because he can just imagine Brienne with Jon, under him, fucking her, Jon inside Brienne and Jaime just has to throw up again.

"Fuck." Jaime says between his teeth.


	11. Jon II

"There's still no information about the invader?" Dany asks.

Jon shakes his head. "Nothing. Every time they try to attack a Kingdom, it's always just the soldiers and they announce a Targaryen wants to take the throne before they get killed."

Dany frowns. "There are only two Targaryens."

She means me and her. Jon thinks. "Yes. And you know it's not me."

"So, whoever this is, is fake."

"Yes." Jon licks his lips and it's hard to focus on the task at hand when he can still taste Brienne in his tongue. "They're trying to make it look it is to make us fight. That's how I think of what's happening, anyway."

"You wouldn't betray me." Dany counters.

"I know. But someone certainly think I would and it's using it against us."

She sighs. "I hate this. I want to rule peacefully and I can feel the people being afraid. We can't afford another war that will cost an entire realm or my Lord Commander's sacrifice will be all for nothing."

At the mention of Brienne's name, Jon stiffen.

Dany looks at him. "What's wrong?"

Jon shakes his head. Dany is still... the woman he loves. But day by day, he's starting to feel a shift. Because he can look at Dany now and doesn't feel the void that was there before. Or the desperation he feels to be inside her when she does anything that can turn him on. He looks at Dany and he still thinks she's the most beautiful woman he had seen but that's it.

"Nothing." He answers. "Just... I worry about Brienne."

"Brienne." Dany says slowly.

"Yes. She's still... as healthy as she can be but Sam said she needs to rest. But she doesn't know what rest is when she starts working."

She smiles at him. "That, she is." A pause. "You look happy."

Happy? Jon doesn't know what that word is. When he was young, he tried to find pleasure that Catelyn Stark wouldn't ruined. When he took the black, he had to mourn for Ygritte, for the people he had to kill and for himself. When he had to come back alive, he had to fight for his life. And now, he's looking at Daenerys, and knows she trusts him. He's bethroted to the most honorable knight of the Seven Kingdoms. Sooner or later, they will be married in front of the gods and the people, they will have children and if the gods are able, they'll live for a long time.

He wonders if Catelyn Stark sees him being married to her sworn sword, what she would say? She would likely find it less funny than he does.

"I might be." He answers, finally, smiling at Dany.

  
*

  
Jon first tasted Brienne in Tarth.

The first kiss that they had was a revelation. They could make it work. And Jon hadn't stop thinking about it. He caught himself thinking what Brienne would like if she was sucking his cock. He shivered at the thought and then grimace because of his carnal thought when Brienne was still healing.

"Do you need Moon Tea?" Sam asked him when he revealed it to his friend.

Jon looked at Sam like he has two heads. "Are you mad?"

Sam shrugged. "Couldn't hurt."

It couldn't hurt. But he wasn't about to be the second Jaime Lannister in Brienne's life. He had every intention of marrying her first before they do anything physical.

Which fell out of the window as soon as Jon saw Brienne, half naked, when he opened the door without knocking.

He didn't know what happened. Just saw her half naked, covered in bruises and she was looking at him like she was seeing him for the first time. He stared at her, hungrily, and when she nodded, he was on her. He kissed her like his life depended on it.

They ended up with his face between her thighs, and he fucked her mouth after.

Jon hadn't wanted to stop making her come after that.

  
*

  
"Now, do you need Moon Tea?" Sam asks him when he visits him and Gilly in their work room.

Jon raises an eyebrow.

Sam chuckles. "Oh, you didn't know? You were apparently loud last night. Some soldiers heard you."

Jon doesn't blush often. There's nothing much to make him blush. But he couldn't stop the warmness that forms in his cheeks. "We didn't -- we don't -- we didn't do that -- just stop talking, Sam." He groans.

Sam continues cackling.

Gilly smiles at Jon. "I'm happy for you. And I'm happy for Ser Brienne. She deserves it."

And like on cue, they all go silent. An uncomfortable one. It isn't until someone knocks on the door that breaks the silence. On the other side, someone calls for Sam and Sam tells them he will be back.

When the door closes, Gilly looks at him. "Jon."

"Gilly."

"I really am happy for you." Gilly says. "So, please, don't take this the wrong way."

Jon nods. "I won't, Gilly."

"We all want to protect Ser Brienne as we all know what happened to her." She says slowly. "I've seen it. I was there." She closes her eyes and swallows. "I don't want to remember it as we all do."

Jon's eyes soften. "I know. I won't hurt her."

"Oh, no, Jon. I know. But we all hurt people, even the ones we love because we are just human. You might hurt her unintentionally and that's okay."

"I know."

"As like Ser Brienne might hurt you too." Gilly gazes at him. Her eyes warm. "And that's what I want to tell you. Protect Ser Brienne but protect yourself, too."

"Brienne will never hurt me." Jon insists. "She's not -- we're not the Jaime Lannister of this world, Gilly. We're not terrible people."

Gilly smiles, sadly. "She doesn't need to be a terrible person to hurt you, Jon. None of us need to be a terrible person to inflict pain on people. I'm not asking for too much, I'm just asking you to protect yourself."

Jon sighs. "I will."

"Jon," Gilly touches his hand. "Jon, you know what Ser Brienne sacrificed." She says and Jon can't help it, he flinches. "And fate has a funny sense of humor. I just want you remember that."

Another knock on the door and on the other side is a soldier asking for a medicine for fever. Jon leaves Gilly to accomodate the man.

It's not like Jon doesn't know what Gilly meant. Of course, he does. But Brienne hasn't shown that she might -- with the Kingslayer. Even when she... Jon has to close his eyes, as he remembers.

I didn't -- she said. I don't --

She didn't. When that happened to her, she hasn't shown that she was... now. But before...

Jon laughs bitterly to himself. You'd think he's the one who experienced the trauma on how he couldn't say them even in his head.

He goes to the training yard as he knows Brienne is there. He's right, she is; she's sitting down next to Podrick and it looks like she's lecturing him. He has to smile. Brienne had offered to knight Podrick but Podrick refuses as he thinks he needs more training. But the truth is, Jon knows, that Podrick feels guilty on what happened in Winterfell. Jon feels his smile slipping a bit.

He reaches them and wraps his arms around Brienne and kisses her temple. "Brienne." He says, sweetly.

Brienne jumps and looks at him. "Jon."

Podrick looks between them, wide eyes and blushes. "Oh." He chokes out. "Oh, um, I will -- have to --"

Jon wants to laugh. Podrick knows. "Go on, Podrick. You can come back later."

Podrick nods and looks eager to leave.

Brienne looks confused. "What's that about?"

"No one told you?" Jon feels surprised. "They knew what we were doing last night."

Brienne's eyes widen. "What?"

Jon wants to laugh. "We weren't as silent as we were in Tarth."

"No." She says, horrified.

Last night, Jon didn't stop making her come until she was in her limit. He begged her to come, and she squirted on his face. She slept, peacefully in his arms after that.

"I want to do it again." Jon announces.

Brienne's eyes widen. "Not tonight."

Jon raises an eyebrow.

"But if you can make sure that no one will hear it again..."

"Is that a promise?" Jon purrs. He watches as Brienne blushes and he has to laugh.

Jon leans in to kiss her, and the corner of his eyes, he sees Jaime Lannister watching them.

We are not the Jaime Lannister of this world. He had said to Gilly and it's true.

But Jon still feels triumph when Jaime looks away when Jon kisses Brienne.


	12. Jaime X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning y'all this is going to tackle some sensitive matter about miscarriage and that's something that triggers you or you just don't want to read it skip this one be safe!

Jaime never knew how to love someone less.

He's always been like that. He's always been all in, giving everything he has because he doesn't know how to stop, on how not to give himself up for the people he loves. He might be able to explain it more if he experiences it less. But there's no other way around it. He's stupid when it comes to that.

And he never wishes to not love anyone. Cersei, with all her faults, Jaime loved her. Loved. Jaime can still taste how wrong that word against his tongue. He never not love Cersei. Since he was born, that was one of the things he knew how to do. Breathe, blink, love Cersei. It was what he is. Was. Because he's not... he still loves her but not in a way she would understand.

He loves her now, as a sister. As a mother of his only living child. As a twin. Sometimes, he wonders, if he loved anyone less, he'd learn to hate her. Maybe then, he wouldn't have left Brienne in Winterfell. Or maybe he still would because the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. Like how Brienne is with him. When Brienne looks at him, there's nothing there. Nothing Jaime can recognise.

Nothing.

He knows that Brienne won't be ever with him again. It is what he expected a long time ago. There are so many reasons for it -- and he wished he was a better man so he could at least have a fighting chance to take her back but if he was a better man, he wouldn't be Jaime Lannister. He would be Jon Snow, perhaps.

Because Jon Snow is the one with Brienne, who kissed her, who makes her come, who makes her laugh. Who makes her everything Jaime wishes he can do.

But he is not Jon Snow.

And that's something he has to live with.

  
*

  
"Are you alright?" Tyrion asks. "You've been in bed, Jaime. You said you're not feeling well. I already asked Samwell to check up on you. I knew he did what I asked because he was mad at me in the meeting."

"I'm alright." Jaime replies. He can't stop hearing Brienne's moans or seeing Jon leaning in to kiss Brienne. His stomach turns. "I'm just... not feeling well."

"I get that. But Samwell said you don't have a fever or any sickness. Are you in pain we don't know about?"

In my fucking chest. He wants to say but shakes his head. "No."

"Jaime." Tyrion sighs. "You're my brother and I want you well. Tell me what to do."

"I will be fine." Jaime insists. "How's Joanna?"

Tyrion purses his lips. "She's every bit like you, Jaime."

Jaime raises an eyebrow.

"She likes spending time with Brienne."

Time stops.

"My daughter is with Brienne?"

Tyrion sighs. "For some reason, Joanna doesn't want to leave Brienne. Your daughter saw her in the hallway and never left her. I don't have the heart to tell Joanna to go. Do you want me to?"

Jaime shakes his head. "Just as long Joanna is safe."

"She's with the Lord Commander, Jaime. It's the safest place she'll ever be in."

At least his daughter is with Brienne. Jaime thinks, and he really is a man with shit as honor if the reason why he wants his daughter to stay with her is he wants to be selfish. Jon won't be able to do anything.

Tyrion catches his gaze and there's a knowing look in his eyes.

"Well." Tyrion sighs. "You've always been selfish."

Jaime doesn't even have it in him to feel ashamed.

  
*

  
Jaime visits his daughter later that day and it shouldn't surprise him when he sees Brienne with her but he is. And they're such a sight to see.

Joanna is in Brienne's lap, and they almost look the Mother painting Jaime sees in every sept he visits. He can feel a warm feeling in his chest and he longs for the family he could never have.

Not when Jaime left Brienne in Winterfell. Not when Joanna is Cersei's blood. Not when Jon Snow fucking exists.

"Lady Brienne." He says.

Brienne looks up at him and smiles. "Ser Jaime." Then a serious expression passes to her face. "Are you well? Tyrion said you haven't been feeling like yourself."

"I am now." Jaime answers. And he is. With Joanna and Brienne together, he could almost pretend they're a happy family.

Almost. He thinks bitterly.

"I was just here talking to Lady Joanna about swords." Brienne says. "She's as interested as a knight would."

"Wanna Bri. Me! Bri!" Joanna giggles.

Jaime's heart soften. "Oathkeeper?" He asks, warm.

Something in Brienne's flashes but it's gone in an instant. "Among other things." She looks at Joanna and smiles softly. "I told her about the sword Jon gave me."

Jon gave her a sword when she returned Oathkeeper. Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. He doesn't want to do this. "King Jon gave you a sword?"

"Yes." Brienne grins at him. "It's not made out of Valyrian steel but Jon made sure it will feel like one. Gendry is really good at what he does."

Jaime remembers the time he gave Brienne a sword. Forge in Ned Stark's Ice, and she called it Oathkeeper. It was a connection they had. The last connection they had after Winterfell that she severed when she had gotten the chance. "Since all great swords have names, what did you call it?"

"Vanishing Star." Brienne murmurs as she plays with Joanna. "I named it after the unborn child I lost."

Jaime knows he stops, only for a second but it feels like an eternity on how it stretched. For a moment, all he can hear is the unborn child I lost.

A sword she named after the unborn child she lost. Vanishing Star.

The sun and the moon had a star. Bran had said back in Casterly Rock. It turned into ashes, too. The star was yours.

I'm mourning. Bran had said in the Sept. They say all stars are dead but not this one. This one was alive and we are allowed to mourn for it.

A star. A star that turned to dust. A star that was his.

An unborn child that Brienne lost. Was his.

"What did you say?" He croaks out. He looks at her and Brienne's confusion is written all over her face. "Brienne, what the fuck did you just say?"

"Ser Jaime, the child!" Brienne puts her ears against Joanna's ears and --

Joanna. Joanna. A child he had with Cersei. The child he managed to save. No, he wasn't the one who saved her. It was Brienne. While Brienne lost their child.

"Brienne, the child --" he shrieks. "The unborn child, you said --" he can't breathe. Suddenly, he feels like he was in Red Keep when it was in shambles. When everything hurt, when he was bleeding.

But he wasn't bleeding now. There's no blood in sight but he's dying. He's dying.

Brienne's face clears out with understanding. A sad understanding. "Yes. I -- I lost it."

"When?" He leans against the table and feels his knees weak. He's shaking, trembling. He doesn't know from what. From anger? Sadness? From his stupidity?

"Two weeks before we went to Red Keep. I didn't -- Gilly said I lost it because of stress. I was crying, then, night after night --"

Joanna seems to realise the mood has changed in the room because she looks at Brienne with her green eyes -- not blue, no, that child has died -- blinking and says. "Bri?"

"Shh, it's okay. Your father and I are just talking."

Just talking? Just talking? Jaime laughs hysterically. He laughs and laughs because Brienne said they're just talking. Just. Talking. About the child she lost because of stress. The stress he put her through! When he left her in Winterfell.

"Ser Jaime --" Brienne says but Jaime just laughs harder.

A child for a child. Fate really has a sick sense of humor.

Jaime laughs turns into a sob. He falls into his knees and cries. There were only few times he cried in his life. When his mother died, when his hand got cut off, when Brienne gave him back Oathkeeper. Those are his heartbreaks. This one is worst.

He doesn't think he can consider this a heartbreak, at all. He doesn't know what to call when he feels like his soul is being ripped out of his body and a continuous cycle of the trauma he felt when they took his sword.

There's nothing to compare to the pain he feels now. To know that a child with blue eyes with a Lannister name is supposed to be born.

The last thing he hears is Brienne's Ser Jaime!

  
*

  
He doesn't want to wake up.

But he does.

Tyrion is besides him, as usual. But in the room is Samwell Tarly and Gilly as well.

Gilly said -- Brienne told him.

"Did you know?" He asks. His voice cracks. He doesn't know if it's because he lost his voice or because it reflects of what he feels in his chest. "About Brienne's child?"

Gilly stiffen but Samwell glares at him.

Tyrion gasps. "A child?"

Samwell ignores his brother. "Yes. We do."

Jaime closes his eyes. "Tell me."

"Tell you?" Samwell cackles. "Tell you what? How Ser Brienne was right after you left? Or would you rather know how she cried night after night, begging for you to come back in her sleep? How about when she saw blood in between her thighs and told us she didn't fucking knew she was pregnant." He spats.

"She didn't knew she was pregnant?" Tyrion asks.

Jaime opens his eyes on time to see Gilly nods. "She is. Well, was."

"How did she lost it?" Tyrion stands up. 

"There is a lot of ways to lost them, my Lord. But in Ser Brienne's case it was --"

"Your brother killed it." Samwell says with venom. His aim is for it to hurt and he succeeded.

"Sam!" Gilly hisses.

"Ser Brienne wouldn't even be pregnant if the Kingslayer managed to keep in his breeches." He aggressively puts the medicine in Jaime's table. "If I could just poison you right now, I would."

"Sam!" Gilly exclaims.

"Consider this as a warning, Lannister. Stay away from Ser Brienne. Take your child with you, too. Go back fucking your sister or whatever it is you do with her." He glares at Jaime before he slams the door.

Gilly sighs. "I apologise for him."

"He never said anything that isn't a lie." Jaime is tired.

Gilly gives him a look. "I never said my husband lied. But you didn't need to hear it when you're like this."

"Dying?" Jaime japes. "I wish I was."

"Is that what you think Ser Brienne needs?" Gilly looks insulted. "Your death?"

Jaime replies nothing.

"She begged for your life. She asked you to stay. She lost the child because she was mourning for you. You think what you're feeling now is painful? You think you have the right to want death because of the pain you feel because of a child you never met? Ser Brienne felt the child die inside her. I had to take the flesh outside, and she had to look at it. She had to touch it, to bury it. And she didn't want to die, then. So no, Lannister --" she sneers. "You are not allowed to want death. If Ser Brienne lived when she had to bury that fucking child when all you ever had to do is hear it from her mouth, you will have just to do the same."

Jaime feels the tears flowing from his eyes. "I don't know how."

Gilly shakes her head. "You're pathetic." She walks towards the door but at least she doesn't slam the door.

"A child, Jaime?" Tyrion demands. "A fucking child?"

"I didn't know --"

"You at least should have the fucking courtesy to spill outside!" Tyrion screams.

"Tyrion, please --"

"Brienne lost a fucking child because of you!" Tyrion narrows his eyes. "What else did you take away from her? When will you be satisfied? When will it be enough? And you ask for forgiveness? Jaime, you don't even deserve to breathe same air as she does. You don't deserve anything."

Jaime says nothing.

"And your audacity to be selfish. You don't even want her to be happy." Tyrion laughs, darkly. "Jaime, I can't believe I'm saying this but Cersei might be right." He looks at Jaime and Jaime knows whatever it is he's about to say will kill him. "You might actually share the same soul."

Jaime doesn't do anything when Tyrion leaves. He feels numb all of a sudden.

The star. Bran had said. Was yours.

The star turned into ashes, too.

Jaime closes his eyes and weep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so at it is christmas tomorrow, i won't be posting another chapter until the 26th. i will be, however, posting a festive christmas fic so please watch out for that one.
> 
> i've already finished two chapters but after that i might post less. i'm gonna flesh out the plot and i checked the timeline in my head the other day, we're going to dive in some rollercoaster after chapter 16 or 17 depending on how i write it. also i want to be very careful on how i write the chapters after chapter 14 because we will be understanding jaime's side of the winterfell story. i just want y'all to be prepared in case you're thinking i'm gonna put jaime in an another round of emotional turmoil.
> 
> i hit writer's block the other day. i keep on deleting and writing chapter 14 because i wasn't satisfied on the things i write and as i need my muse after that chapter i need to get my groove back before i write.
> 
> anyway thank you so much y'all and i hope you enjoy. PLEASE PLEASE wait for my christmas fic tomorrow.


	13. Brienne I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Brienne chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk of miscarriage if its trigger to any of you pls skip this one

"And you want to leave?"

"Yes."

"Now?"

"Yes. I need a permission to leave."

Queen Daenerys gives Brienne a look of confusion. As much as Brienne wants to tell her why Ser Jaime wants to leave, she doesn't know where to start.

"Ser Jaime." Brienne says instead. "Your help is needed here. We are in a war and it's better to have two people who are in the know on how to handle things than me, being all by myself. We ask you to consider."

Jaime flicks his gaze towards her. His eyes seem to burn, and she wonders if he ever looked at her this way before. The look he has right now seems familiar. "I wouldn't be any help."

Brienne leans forward. "Yes, you would. Ser Jaime, I know you're upset about --"

Jaime chuckles, self deprecatingly. "Upset? Brienne, I'm not upset."

"Ser." Tarly snaps.

Jaime looks at him. "Yes. Ser Brienne." He says with such finality. It's like an ending of something Brienne doesn't know what, yet. 

"If you're not upset, then why are you leaving?" Brienne asks.

Jaime looks down at his hands -- one alive and one golden. "I'm not upset, Ser Brienne. I just realised that maybe forgiveness is not what I need."

Brienne wonders what forgiveness he's talking about. She also wonders if he meant Lady Cersei.

  
*

  
She watches Ser Jaime outside, his carriage ready and he hugs his brother one last time. Joanna is crying in the arms of her wet nurse and she wonders if it was a mistake when she told Jaime about the child she never had a chance to give birth to.

The child was... a lump of flesh when she saw it. There was a lot of blood and Brienne remembers how awful it felt when she touched it. Remembers how she couldn't hug it because it never had a chance to grow. It was awful, yes, but Brienne thinks of those memories like something in the past. Like looking in a painting. The subject of the painting is real, but it's only real in that particular moment that it was painted. Nothing more.

The unborn child was real and now it's not.

She understands why Ser Jaime would feel upset when she told him about the unborn child. She did feel it, too, when she lost it. What she doesn't understand, though, is the extent of the sadness Jaime has been exhibiting. He was the one who left Brienne in Winterfell, to follow Lady Cersei in Red Keep. To be with her in her last moments, because he loved her. She didn't blame Jaime for leaving, anyway. He never promised her anything or said he loved her. He just continued fucking her and she enjoyed being used, she supposed.

There were moments she feels a shallow void in her chest when she thinks of that but it fades as quickly as it comes. 

Ser Jaime enters the carriage without looking back; it reminds her of the goodbye they had in the river. But unlike, then, she only feels remorse towards Lord Tyrion now.

  
*

  
Later that night, Brienne has Jon between her legs. It's something that she enjoys, really, but there is a moment in the middle of what they're doing when she longs for a touch that Jon couldn't give her and she wonders whose touch that was.

She forgets all about it after she comes and makes sure Jon does the same.

*

  
Brienne catches Tyrion in the Sept, a few days after Ser Jaime left. He's kneeling in front of the Mother and weeping silently. She wonders what he's praying about. She walks towards him and sits besides him. He looks up and looks surprised when he sees her.

"Ser Brienne."

"Lord Tyrion."

Lord Tyrion sits next to her and wipes the tears in his cheeks. "Am I being summoned?"

"No." Brienne shakes her head. "I'm just... curious on why you're here. You have been here since your brother left and I want to ask if you're okay."

"I am." He replies. "I want to ask if you're okay."

Brienne frowns, confused. "Of course, I am. Samwell said I have healed of the bruises when I got captured. We are now preparing for the war with our unknown opponent. It would have been a great help if Ser Jaime stayed."

"He couldn't stay. Not after of what happened."

"About the child?"

Lord Tyrion nods.

"The child is gone. And it has been gone for a long time." She knows he can see her confusion. "And the child wasn't Lady Cersei's, it was mine. I don't see how that lump of flesh is any of importance."

Lord Tyrion snaps his gaze at her. Anger and confusion shimmering. "Lump of flesh?"

"What else would you call it?"

"Is that what you think my brother is? That he doesn't care about your child because it isn't Cersei's?"

"He left me." Brienne snorts. "I begged him to stay. You are alive, one of his remaining family and yet he chose your sister." That realisation was the one that haunted Brienne when Jaime left her. That his love for his sister was greater than his love for his brother or her. She never expected for Jaime to stay for her but she was desperate, then, and that was why she said what she said. But it didn't work. Of course, it wouldn't. Brienne is just a woman he used for a moon while he had loved Lady Cersei his whole life. What would Brienne amount to that? "I doubt my pregnancy could actually make him stay."

Lord Tyrion's eyes moisten. "I imagine the child he had with you. When I found out. It would have been taller than me, it would have blue eyes and Jaime's hair."

"Lord Hand," she says, softly. "The child is gone."

"Let me mourn." He insists as he kneels. "Let me mourn for what we have lost."

  
*

  
Brienne sleeps next to Jon and she knows Jon is smaller than she is but there's a feeling that makes her skin itch, about a taller figure and a warmer body.

  
*

  
Lord Bran summons her in the Sept after they received a news about the invader, who still remain unknown, that failed to take over Dorne. A soldier found out about the plan that they have and put a stop to it.

As much as Brienne thinks it's a win for them, they really need to learn who is this fake Targaryen invader, to make Queen Daenerys' people to stop worrying.

Lord Bran is in front of the Maiden when she comes.

"Lord Bran." She greets.

"Just Bran, Lady Brienne."

She sits next to him. "Then you have to call me Brienne."

"Brienne." Bran smiles. "I have mourned for the child you have lost."

Brienne blinks. "Did anyone tell you?"

He smiles, mysteriously. "Does it matter? You don't really care about that child, do you?"

Brienne opens her mouth to say something -- anything but nothing came out.

But Bran beats her to it. "Have I told you how Jaime crippled me?"

Brienne shakes her head. She has heard in Jaime's side of things but never Bran's.

"I was climbing up a tower and I saw Jaime fucking his sister. I almost fell but Jaime caught me. Cersei told him to do something about me and that's when Jaime pushed me off the window." Bran has a wistful look on his face. "Before he pushed me, he said, the things we do for love."

Love.

"Was that love?" Bran asks. "When a person you love wants you to be the worst you can be, can you call that love?"

"I don't know."

Bran looks at her. "He was afraid of you, you know."

"Me?" She feels genuinely surprised. "Why would he be scared of me?"

"If the person you loved all your life has told you to push a kid off a window and one day, you meet another who is whole and just, and would never ask you to do anything that will bring you dishonor, wouldn't you be afraid?"

Brienne feels that shallow void again, in her chest. The feeling of emptiness. That feeling where she suddenly wants to put her heart in her hands and chase the feeling away. 

"It may have been in pieces," Bran says, softly. "But he gave you the best of him."

Brienne thinks of Jaime. The man who killed a King and suffered the consequence. Thinks of the man tried to take care of his little brother in the way he knows how. Thinks of the man who loved his children that he lost. Thinks of the man who had to choose, all his life, and hopes he'll choose a decision that he will regret less.

There's a memory in her head, sometimes, when she looks at Jon in bed. It was in Winterfell; Jaime was awake and Brienne is half-asleep, and Jaime touches her hair and whispers a story of his childhood and his mother.

But it's gone now and all Brienne feels is an echo.

Bran breathes in and asks. "Have you been to Casterly Rock, Brienne?"

Brienne flicks her gaze at Bran.

"Can you come with me?" He smiles. "We'll be visiting an old friend of mine."


	14. Bran I

Bran doesn't sleep, he dreams.

In this one, he dreams of a woman with a pair blue eyes that can compete against the skies and the seas and a man with eyes that is green as meadows. There is a stairs where both of them are standing.

I did love you, one of them said.

Then, why didn't you tell me?

And suddenly the sun shines so bright, Bran has to wake up.

He opens his eyes and feels the longing of his dream breathes in his skin.

It's time, Bran thinks. It's time to move forward.

  
*

  
"Are you sure this is the right decision, My Lord?" Mark asks, his squire.

Bran and Mark are in the same age but unlike Bran, Mark lost all of his family. Mark's last living family died in the Long Night. Mark's big brother took the black when Mark was sixteen. Bran doesn't tell Mark that sometimes, he hears his brother's screaming when he died. There are visions people don't need to know about.

"About what?" Bran asks back.

"About..." Mark looks at him, skeptically. "About convincing Ser Brienne to go to Casterly Rock. She and Ser Jaime have history. Shouldn't you support your brother's cause since they're about to be married?"

Bran saw it, in his dreams; even before Cersei had torn the world apart; that there will be a time Jaime and Brienne will have to hurt each other because it's inevitable. Like how Bran got to be a cripple; it will happen. Even if Jaime Lannister didn't push him off the window, Bran will sooner or later experience that tragedy in another situation because it has to happen in order for him to move forward.

The irony, Bran wants to laugh. That to move forward, you have to break down a wall. Even if that wall is yourself.

"I had a vision." Bran answers. He looks at Mark as Mark fixes his shoes. "About Jaime and Brienne."

"And Jon?" Mark asks.

Bran flicks his gaze towards the window. "He wasn't in there."

  
*

  
"You want me to tell the Queen about your request of borrowing the Lord Commander to go to Casterly Rock because of a vision that you had." Tyrion tells him, slowly. He seems to understand the words but not exactly understanding them as a whole.

"Yes." Bran replies.

"Lord Bran," Tyrion massages his head. "That's... there might be a complication. The Queen is not so approving of my brother at the moment. It will be hard for me to convince her."

Bran blinks. "Do you want me to offer support?"

Tyrion laughs, without humor. He stands up and takes a wine on the table near the wall. There are papers everywhere, and Bran wonders if this is how Tyrion Lannister mourns; wine, women and diving himself to his position to forget. Bran wouldn't blame him if he does.

"I will try to ask the Queen." Tyrion says. A pause. "But let me ask you something." He turns around to face Bran. "You know Jaime and Brienne's history."

"Everyone knows."

"You know even about the child." Tyrion says dryly.

"Yes." Bran nods. The child would have been a Knight. In some days, Bran dreams of him as a royalty. He wonders if it's the figment of the future that can never be or hopes of Jaime and Brienne that crushed just like the Red Keep.

"I'm not stupid, Bran. I know what you're doing." Tyrion grunts. "And I want to know why."

Bran looks at him. Tyrion is smart. But he's not that smart. "I seem to have a knack for bastards, crippled, and broken things."

Those words brought Bran some memories he would like to forget but it's worth it, though. Because for the first time in days, Tyrion laughs.

He will be okay.

  
*

Bran is almost expecting the knock on his door when the night falls. Mark looks at him with worry in his eyes but Bran just nods. Mark opens the door and as expected, Jon is in the other side looking like he always does.

"Can you fetch me some bread in the kitchen, Mark?" Bran asks and Mark looks relieved. "And water, as well."

"I will." Mark nods. He walks away and nods at Jon as a goodbye.

Jon closes the door and gives him a look. "Would you like to explain why Brienne requested she'll go to Casterly Rock with you because of the invader?"

"I had a vision." Bran answers, simply.

"I know you did." Jon sighs. "But will Brienne really have to go to Casterly Rock for this? There has to be some other way --"

"No." Bran says. I did love you. Why didn't you tell me? "She has to be there."

Jon clenches his jaw. "It makes no sense for her to go there. Jaime already left. He's gone. There's no need for them to meet."

"Don't they?" Bran asks, airily.

"Bran." Jon warns. "Brienne doesn't love Jaime Lannister anymore. It's better if we all move on like her."

Jon looks like he almost believes it, too. Almost. But Bran knows Jon is aware of Brienne's sacrifice. His brother is not so stupid for him not to see it.

"And we are not going there for Jaime, Jon. We'll be there because of the invader. If you don't trust your relationship with Ser Brienne, then that is not my problem." Bran says, firmly.

Jon's eyes soften. "It's like you don't want me to be happy, Bran." He says and there's an obvious hurt in his voice that Bran almost feels bad about it.

Bran loves Jon as much as he can love a brother. He saw Jon's grief; it's like that's all he has inside: he's just mourning for an extended amount of time and preparing himself for another tragedy to befall him.

"That's why I'm doing this, Jon." Bran says softly. "Because I want you to be happy."

Jon looks like Bran slaps him. He closes his eyes and nods. When he opens them, there's only resignation. "The only reason why Brienne is going is because she's the Lord Commander, Bran. I just want you to know that."

"If you're this confident that Brienne won't look back, then, there's no need to worry."

"I'm not worried." He hisses. "Just -- Jaime Lannister hurt her and I don't want her to experience it ever again."

Bran tilts his head. "She won't. Because that's exactly what --"

"Bran."

Bran sighs. "She's needed. I would never lie to you."

Jon nods, looking unsatisfied. "I'll go. Brienne is waiting for me."

Bran watches The King of The North leaves his room and wonders if that's what it takes to be a king: to believe that you have to lie and that you lie best when you lie to yourself.

  
*

  
Bran watches Brienne walks down the stairs and he remembers his vision: I did love you. Then, why didn't you tell me?

Jon is nowhere in sight.

Brienne steps inside the carriage and sits across him.

"Did Jon tried to stop you?"

She snaps her gaze at him. "Lord Tyrion send a message to his brother."

He knows a change of subject when he sees one.

For a moment, Bran has to stare at her and sees a place full of sunflowers and a sword in the middle it. He can almost feel the warm breeze, the smell of summer.

"Bran?" Brienne asks. "Are you okay?"

"Of course." Bran looks at her, smiles as he sees another memory of Brienne in somebody else's eyes, holding a sword and a smile playing against her lips. Behind her is the sea, so blue, it matches her eyes. Bran may have to help them to destroy walls to get where they have to be but rest assured they will get there. "The sun is coming."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this just cemented what will be endgame in this fic, i'm not gonna lie.
> 
> hello, y'all. happy holidays. this will be the last fic in december. a lot has happened and my mental health is in shambles so i will be posting the next chapter again next month/year/decade lol.
> 
> also because i wanted to deliver a more fleshed plot, the chapter im writing now seemed to have a bigger word count so it will take me a while to post them.
> 
> i hope you guys will have a good holiday and so am i!


	15. Jaime XI

Tyrion's letter was long and informative but the only thing that Jaime couldn't help but think over and over again was; Lord Bran had a vision. The next place the unknown invader will attack is Casterly Rock. I ask you keep yourself and Joanna safe.

Lord Bran has also requested audience with you and is coming there with the Lord Commander.

Jaime, I beg of you. Love her enough to know when to give up.

And see, he understands that. That's why he left Red Keep and went back to the walls of Casterly Rock where every ghosts is haunting him.

But if the gods thought he deserves to be in the presence of the most honorable woman of Westeros, he'll take it.

His cousin laughs at him when he mentions that. His cousin is named Mikael; a bastard, a Dornish man but his mother was a Lannister and Tyrion made sure to legitimized him as one of them when he found out they have another kin. They were desperate for a family.

"It's not funny." Jaime glares at his cousin.

These days, Jaime will be found in his cousin's bedchamber. Sitting in the chair of his balcony, watching the sunset. Jaime doesn't trust Cersei that she won't go to Jaime's solar to ask him to fuck her.

However, Jaime knows he can trust his cousin when it comes to not falling through Cersei's cunt like Lancel, Oberyn would rather fall in a volcano than fuck her, Jaime remembers Mikael telling him before Jaime leaves to Red Keep. And if Oberyn thinks that way of your sister, I'd just use my hand.

"You just -- you have it bad." Mikael coughs as he says it. "This woman must be worth it."

"She is." Jaime nods. And thinks of Brienne's blue eyes, and how magnificent she is; a lumbering ox of a woman that he loves. "I'm just not worthy of her. I don't deserve her."

"Lucky for you, cuz, people don't deserve people, they just are." Mikael says dryly.

"You don't know what I did to her. Of what I have done. And --" Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. Vanishing Star. He can't. He still can't.

Mikael seems to notice his discomfort. "You know, I've always been told wine is bad."

Jaime looks at him.

He continues. "My father told me that. Which is ironic, because he loved wine. He loved Dornish Red. It was one of the things he loved; my mother, wine and I. But you know what killed him?" Mikael flicks his gaze back to the sunset. "Your father. Tywin hated Dorne so much, he killed him. I'm not angry at you. I'm not so stupid to know who decided to kill him."

Jaime watches Mikael's face looks wistful as he speaks and he's been noticing it, for quite a while, that Mikael's face becomes more sharper and shallow. His cheeks hollow, and the bags under his eyes doubled. Mikael has become thinner, too, not that he had muscles to begin with. Being an acting Lord of Casterly Rock is tiring, but Jaime doesn't think it will change a person's body this much.

"His last words to me was that wine is bad. Because of that, I never touched wine in my life. But I think he forgot to warn me about one thing."

"Which is?" Jaime asks, eyebrow raised.

Mikael looks at him, and as the sun hits his face, Jaime knows he has to have a talk with the maestar. He looks like a corpse. "Love is what killed him."

"Not love." Jaime corrects. "It was Tywin."

Mikael laughs. "Now, you're getting it."

Jaime talks with Mikael some more and his concerns over his cousin doubles. When he leaves, he asks one of the servant that he needs the maestar to report to him on the morrow and asks about Cersei.

"Lady Cersei is sleeping, my Lord. Would you like me to wake her?"

"No." Jaime answers so fast, the servant looks as surprised as he feels. "No, don't. Just... you know what to do."

The servant nods at him and leaves.

For many moons that he's been in Casterly Rock, he hasn't seen so much of his twin and he's grateful. He knows she's been looking for him, and had asked audience a couple of times, but he said no to all of them. He has asked all of the servants to make sure they lock her door when she's asleep and to unlock it before she wakes up.

There's something about his twin that makes him feel fear.

He goes to Joanna's solar to find her playing with her wet nurse.

"My Lord." The wet nurse greets.

Joanna looks at him, blinks her pair of green eyes and asks. "Bri?"

Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. She's been asking for Brienne ever since the left Red Keep. It's the first thing she asks whenever she sees her father. "No. But she's coming. With Bran. You know Bran, right?"

"Bri come?" Her eyes widen. "Bri?"

"Yes."

Joanna beams and giggles. If Jaime ever done anything right in his life, it's her. "Bri! Come! Bri! Bri!"

Later that night, as Joanna falls asleep in his arms and he's going to spend sleeping in a very uncomfortable chair, Joanna's wet nurse puts fur on top of them before leaving.

In a week for now, Brienne and Bran will be here and he knows even if he prepares himself for the worst, he will never be prepared of seeing Brienne again.

He tightens his hold to Joanna and remembers Tyrion's words; love her enough to know when to give up.

Jaime loves Brienne, and that has to be enough. It has to be.

*

  
The Lord's solar of Casterly Rock has always been suffocating to Jaime, even when he was a child. The four walls of this place doesn't bring him any good memories and it doesn't matter how much he asks the servants to clean it or to take off his father's things, it will always have his father's ghosts in it. That, and so many other things.

But this is also the only room in Casterly Rock that doesn't have invisible ears. Tywin Lannister had made sure of that.

"Nothing is wrong with him?" Jaime asks the maestar.

The maestar is old but Tyrion specifically put him in his position because he's good. Apparently, he has Samwell's approval. Jaime thought, once, that Samwell might have told Tyrion that just to shut him up but Samwell might hate the Lannisters but he wouldn't put people's life in danger.

The maestar nods. "Yes, My Lord. He doesn't have any sickness. He should be in good health. And considering he doesn't have vices -- smoking, drinking -- he should have been okay."

"Then, what's wrong with him?" Jaime feels the frustation building inside of him.

The maestar looks at him, startles and looks down again. "My Lord..."

"Yes?"

"This might be... I don't want to assume or to point fingers at anyone."

"What do you mean?"

By that, the maestar looks up, worried. "But there are medicines that will disappear as soon as it enters the body."

Jaime's spine straighten. He doesn't like where this is going.

"My Lord, Lord Mikael might be being poisoned."

*

  
Jaime rolls the antidote in his hands. It's a small bottle, but one drop can saved his cousin's life. He puts it in his pocket, and enters Mikael's room. His cousin is in bed, looking fragile and pale. His squire is about to feed him when Jaime stops him.

"Cuz," Mikael moans. "I need to eat if you want me to drink this medicine. The maestar said so. You know, the maestar you sent."

Jaime looks at Mikael's squire. In Jaime's defense, he hadn't look at him closely because he left in hasten to go to Red Keep. But now, Jaime's guts is telling him to make him leave.

"What's your name?" Jaime asks the squire.

"His name is Ryden, Jaime, the squire you gave me." Mikael answers.

"Okay, Ryden. Leave us." Jaime orders.

"But, My Lord, Lord Mikael --"

"I'll do it." Jaime says firmly. "You can leave now."

Ryden looks positively terrified but manages to nod and leaves the room.

"What was that for?" Mikael asks.

"I will tell you when you're able." Jaime says. He goes towards the food and puts a drop of the antidote. He sits next to his cousin and feeds him.

"I won't ask." Mikael says, in between swallows. "For now. But you will tell me later."

Jaime nods. "On my honor."

Mikael smiles at him. After Mikael finishes his food, Jaime makes him drink his medicine. Mikael falls asleep a few minutes later, Jaime feels satisfied seeing his cousin rest. JAIME asks the guard outside Mikael's bedchamber to tighten the security.

Jaime was worried about him and Mikael, not remembering other people can fall in Cersei's cunt and she knows it.

*

Jaime opens the door in Cersei's bedchamber and for the first time he sees her, she's not deep in her cups.

She looks beautiful. Long, golden hair, green eyes and slim, feminine body. His cock stirs in his breeches like a train dog but for once in his life, he doesn't act on it.

Jaime thinks of Mikael.

Mikael has made improvement on his health as Jaime continues putting the antidote in his food and drinks, which pushes the idea that someone is poisoning his cousin. Jaime's guts is telling him Ryden is the one doing the poisoning, but who is telling him to do it is another story entirely.

"Brother," Cersei says seductively. "You're here. Have you miss me?"

Jaime raises an eyebrow. "I don't."

Cersei walks towards him, jutting her hips as she does and pushes her chest against Jaime's when she reaches him. "I know you, brother. You couldn't take not being inside me when we were younger. Don't you want to make another Joanna? Give her a sibling?"

The mention of Joanna reminds Jaime the child he never had. Vanishing Star, Brienne called it. A child that he gave up for another.

Jaime pushes Cersei away and when she doesn't let go, he pushes her harder that she almost stumbles.

"Brother --" she hisses.

"I didn't came here as your brother, Cersei. I didn't came here to fuck you. I came here as the Lord of Casterly Rock and I have questions."

Cersei sneers. "I'm no longer a Lannister. You could use me however you want and you're acting like a prude?"

Jaime doesn't tell her that thinking of fucking anybody else after Brienne makes him feel sick. "Did you poison Mikael?" He asks instead.

"No." Cersei huffs. "I don't care about him."

"He's our cousin."

"Our cousin?" Cersei laughs mockingly. "Just because that little monster legitimized him does not mean he's a Lannister."

"And yet," Jaime says, looking Cersei in the eye. "Between the two of you, he's the only one who still has the title."

Cersei slaps him. "Because of your whore --"

He grabs her hand and pulls her towards him. Unlike before, where he would have wanted to kiss her; now, he wants her to look at him and for it to hurt. He knows his hold in her wrist will bruised. "Listen to me, Lady Cersei, if I ever manage to find the truth of who is trying to kill the only family I have in this poor excuse of a castle and it's you, I will make sure they will throw you in the black cells." He tightens his hold in her wrist and hisses. "And if you call Brienne anything that isn't worthy of her, I will make sure you will regret it."

For the first time in her life, Cersei looks genuinely afraid.

*

The time has come.

Brienne and Bran will be arriving in Casterly Rock. The first thing he ever did is to make sure Cersei is locked in her room. The possibility of Cersei not seeing his guests is low, but even just for their first day, Jaime wants it to be perfect.

Jaime is fixing his attire, for the hundredth time that day. Mikael rolls his eyes at him and he looks healthier than he ever did few days ago. He's still thin, but he's starting to look better.

"Come on, cuz, you look okay. Very handsome." Mikael comments.

"I just don't want to disappoint." Jaime murmurs.

"You have a face people would wish between their legs. You might disappoint but it won't be your appearance, I can tell you that."

Jaime glares at his cousin. "You bastard."

Mikael just chuckles. "Exactly, cuz."

A soldier comes running in his room and asks for an audience. Ryden, Jaime is still bitter he can't put him in black cells for questioning; considering he still has no proof Ryden is poisoning his cousin, opens the door.

"Lord Commander of Queensguard, and Lord Bran of Winterfell have arrived."

Jaime swallows. "We'll be there."

The guard bows and leaves.

Mikael looks at him, concerned. "Are you prepared?"

Jaime laughs, warily. "I will never be prepared for Brienne."

"More the reason to do this now." Mikael grabs his arm and drags him outside his room.

The hallway of Casterly Rock has never been this long. Or short. Depends on how what Jaime is feeling. He wants to see Brienne. He wants nothing more than to see her big, blue eyes and freckled skin. But at the same time, Tyrion's words comes running in his head. Love her enough to know when to give up and Jaime doesn't know if he can.

He loves her. He did. He does.

Jaime has fought countless battles and wars, has killed men left and right. He killed a King and lived to suffer the consequences, got his sword hand cut off and survived, killed an entire nation of the undead as a one handed knight but nothing could ever prepare him for Brienne, looking at him from the bottom of the stairs of Red Keep.

His heart is on his throat. He could drown in the blue of her eyes.

"Lord Bran, Ser Brienne." Mikael announces. "Welcome to Casterly Rock."

Jaime blinks. "Yes. Welcome." He swallows the lump in his throat. "Welcome to Casterly Rock." He repeats.

*

The dinner is quiet, and the food is delicious but for some reason, Jaime doesn't know what to feel.

Especially when he's sitting across Brienne.

"Ser Jaime." Brienne greets.

"Ser Brienne." He greets back. Ser is a line. A line that Jaime wouldn't cross. He knighted Brienne, and he may not have respected her as a Lady should have, he will respect her as a knight. "Lord Bran."

Bran raises an eyebrow at him, even Mikael notes his way of talking.

"You had a vision, Bran?" Jaime asks instead. "About the invader?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure."

Jaime sighs. "Bran, you just can't come here at will whenever you want just because of a vision."

"I can and I just did." Bran says simply. He eats his bread. "The last time I was here, you rescued Brienne."

Ser Brienne chokes on her drink, and Bran pats her back. "I -- yes." She blinks. "Father told me. I haven't thank you for that, Ser."

"It's alright." Jaime flinches, remembering what Lord Selwyn has told him.

"And my vision isn't very clear. I just see what I see." Bran continues. "And so far, this is what I know."

"The fact King Jon and your sisters are letting you roam around in Westeros is strange to me." Jaime raises an eyebrow at Bran. "Aren't they looking for you?"

"That's why my chair have wheels." Bran answers, drily. "They should know I will just wheel around Westeros."

With that, everyone except Bran laugh in the table.

"But, honest. The invader needs to be stopped. I have heard what happened in other kingdoms." Mikael chimes in.

Brienne frowns, and Jaime wants to kiss the stress away from her. But love her enough to know when to give up. "We're lucky that most of the attacks has been stopped before it started. That's why we're here, Bran said something about the invader and Casterly Rock."

"Yes." Bran nods. "As it is, while we are waiting for the next vision or the attack -- whichever comes first -- I want to see what Casterly Rock has to offer."

"We're not here for sight-seeing, Bran." Brienne counters.

Jaime clears his throat. "Well, I --"

But before he can even finish his sentence, he hears Joanna's excited voice screaming, "BRI!" and comes running to where Brienne is seated. She immediately wraps her arms around his child and carries her.

"Bri!" Joanna exclaims. "Bri! Here! Bri!"

Mikael flicks his gaze at Jaime and gives him a look of disbelief while Bran is hiding his mouth with his cup of water.

"Enough, both of you." He growls. Thankfully, Brienne is busy with Joanna.

"It will be fun, Jaime." Bran says quietly.

"It's almost like you're here for entertainment."

Bran chuckles lightly. "And you will certainly give it to me."

Brat, Jaime curses in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know what i said. leave me alone.
> 
> i will be writing happy holidays after this. my mental health improved a bit so my first thought was like "DUDE LET ME WRITE PTFP!!!!" so i did.
> 
> we are entering fluff zone after this.
> 
> also, i fancast pedro pascal (i know he's oberyn) but imagine mikael as how pedro irl.
> 
> we're halfway done btw. and everything will make sense finally. well, to YALL.
> 
> happy new years!


	16. Brienne II

Brienne finds herself in front of Ser Jaime, sheepishly looking anywhere but her when she comes to the dining room. The table is filled with food and the atmosphere is nice enough -- she doesn't remember Casterly Rock being anything like this when she was here before -- but there's an obvious absence of two people that's supposedly with them to break their fast.

"My squire told me Bran and Mikael left this morning. It looks like Bran made do of his promise to do some sight-seeing." Jaime is still not looking at her.

Brienne sighs. She should have known better. "Bran will do anything he wants."

Jaime looks at her, then, and Brienne realises how green his eyes are. Same as Joanna. "That, he is." He clears his throat as he flicks his gaze somewhere else. "Let's eat and find something to do after we finish."

Brienne sits in a chair and Jaime does the same thing across her. Every time Brienne looks at him, she feels the same emptiness she always feels in occasion when she remembers how Jaime left her in Winterfell but now, it intensifies for some reason. There's sense of feeling like she's missing a feeling that used to be there before.

She doesn't want to think about it. "Lady Joanna has grown." She says instead.

Jaime nods. "She does. She's been asking about you. Considering --" his lips smack together and he closes his eyes. "She likes being around you."

She knows what Ser Jaime wants to say. He left, suddenly. And Brienne never had the time to say goodbye to Joanna.

For some reason, her chest tightens. Jaime did the same, back in Winterfell and Brienne had to beg for him to stay.

"Farewell wouldn't change anything. You would still leave." She says, as a matter of fact. "This isn't the first time it happened."

Jaime flinches but says nothing.

Brienne wants to feel bad, really, but she doesn't know how when it's the truth.

They eat in silence.

It's Jaime who breaks it. "We should probably do something. Do you want to investigate the invader?"

"We could." Brienne nods. "Do you think we could ask around?"

"That would sound and look suspicious." Jaime says. He scowls. "I wish Bran was here to tell us what he knows. It's hard to work if we don't know what we're dealing with."

"We have no other options."

Jaime chuckles. "Yes. That seems Bran's brand. Just to make people think."

Brienne laughs alongside him. Her laughter turns into occasional chuckle and she watches Ser Jaime looks at her with unreadable emotion in his eyes.

This feels familiar and she feels the emptiness in her chest more and more.

*

Brienne wants nothing more than to go back to Kingslanding, to go back to Jon, to go back to her duty and oaths. The more she's around Jaime, the more she feels an ache in places she can't soothe. The feeling of missing something that used to be there but she can't pinpoint where.

She wonders if Bran knew this would happened.

She puts Vanishing Star in her hips and tries to remember that Jon is waiting for her and everything will go back to where it was when she comes back. Maybe Jon doesn't make her feel the same way Jaime did but Jon is safe and... nice. What else is there to ask? That has to be enough.

Brienne exhales before she leaves the room assigned to her and walks to the hallway and finds that there's absolutely no trace of Tywin Lannister -- neither Lady Cersei -- except of a portrait in the middle of what seemed to be the living room of the castle.

She walks towards it slowly and finds it fascinating.

Tywin Lannister is besides his wife, Brienne thinks, and Lady Cersei is besides her father and Jaime is besides his mother. Lady Lannister is obviously pregnant; that's Tyrion, she's sure of it.

This is a family portrait.

Brienne stares at it, and couldn't help but to memorise every part and corner of Jaime's face. She doesn't know why but she does.

"Lady Brienne." A voice says and when she turns around, she's grateful to see it's the maid.

"Yes?"

"Lord Jaime is waiting for you outside." The maid looks above and sees what's Brienne was looking at. "Aren't they a beautiful family?"

Brienne gazes at the portrait again and nods. "They are."

"When Lady Joanna died, so was the light of the entire castle. It had been many years before we saw this portrait again."

Brienne looks back at the maid and frowns. "What do you mean?"

"Lady Joanna is the Lady of Casterly Rock. She was... she was beautiful and as kind as a Lannister could be. When she died, so was the best part of Lord Tywin. He took everything that reminds him of his wife out of the castle. He didn't mourn for her, I was afraid he thought if he did, it would have been real."

"But... it was real." Brienne mutters.

"Yes. But isn't it easier to ignore those emotions and never acknowledge it ever existed?" The maid asks. She smiles sadly but it never reaches her eyes. "He loved her but I didn't think he loved her enough to live for her."

Brienne blinks. Remembers how she sacrificed a piece of herself but it was for the greater good. She didn't need it, anyway. There's a difference between her and Lord Tywin. She's not a --

"The emptiness he felt became anger. And too much anger makes us a monster. A monster that doesn't feel anymore." The maid says. She looks at Brienne in the eye and says. "Pain will hurt but it makes us human."

Brienne freezes on where she's standing. The maid seems to notice and apologises.

"Lord Jaime is waiting for you." The maid adds.

Brienne nods and walks as fast as she can away from the portrait.

Jaime is waiting for her in the bottom of the stairs of Casterly Rock and Joanna is besides him with her wet nurse.

"Are you okay?" Jaime asks when she reaches him. "You look... flushed."

Brienne is not going to be a monster. She's not Tywin. She's not.

Joanna looks up at her. Worried, she asks. "Bri?"

Brienne forces a smile. "Yes, I'm fine, Lady Joanna. Just..." she swallows th lump in his throat. "I've seen the portrait."

Jaime's face soften. "I named my daughter after my mother. She was... she really was something." He looks wistful as he adds. "My father only laughed around her. Can you imagine that? Lord Tywin Lannister, the cunning Hand of the King, laughing." He chuckles as he shakes his head. "If I haven't seen it myself, I wouldn't believe it."

His daughter named after his mother, the woman who raised him; who clearly was the only saving grace of Lannisters, the best part of who Tywin Lannister was. It makes sense why Jaime would leave Brienne. It's not only because he loves Cersei. It's also because of his child, the remnant of the woman Jaime obviously adored.

Brienne could never amount to that.

"But she's gone and we have to accept it." He smiles sadly at Joanna. "We'll live in her stead."

Brienne nods, she has nothing to say. Instead, she tilts her head and asks, "Let's go?"

"Yes, of course." Jaime carries Joanna in his arms. "I'm bringing her. I thought it would be less suspicious if she's with us. And she wanted to spend time with you."

Brienne smiles. "Of course."

Jaime and Brienne walk side by side, and there are only two guards with them. While Brienne is wearing her armor, she notices Jaime isn't.

"I was wondering where we should go to investigate. I thought it would be better if we do it in places where there are a lot of people." Jaime looks at her. "What do you think?"

Brienne blinks and realises she's been staring at Ser Jaime longer than what's considered as appropriate. She clears her throat. "Yes." Again. "Yes."

Jaime nods, satisfied. "I'm going to the sea. It's time for me to check the ships, anyway. We can ask around if they see anything strange."

Brienne nods her head. Jaime has hated to be the Lord Of Casterly Rock but he's doing so well in his position as one.

There's something... different on seeing Jaime with Joanna. They walk together, Jaime smiles a lot with her and occasionally giggles. Brienne feels something in her chest, wanting to come out, crawling it's way up like it's been buried for too long.

They share a carriage and Joanna settle in Brienne's lap and smiles at her.

"She likes you. I think she wants to be like you one day." Jaime tells her, wistfully.

Brienne looks at the little girl in her lap. A child of Jaime and Cersei... which reminds her. "Where's Lady Cersei?"

Jaime's entire demeanor changes. He becomes sharper, his eyes become cold. "She's alright."

"I haven't seen her."

Jaime's jaw clenches. "Let's hope you won't."

Brienne has nothing to say that. All she feels is confusion, considering how Cersei is everything to Jaime. He broke Brienne's heart for her. Jaime left her in the middle of winter, when she was begging and bleeding. She thought he'd be more... more.

Brienne manages to play with Joanna as Jaime just stares at them and jokes with them once in a while. It feels like being in a bubble with her being here with Jaime and Joanna.

The bubble pops when a soldier tells them, "We are here, Lord Jaime."

Brienne gives Joanna to Jaime quickly, like Joanna is on fire, Brienne couldn't blame Jaime for giving her a look, it's justified. But she has to do it. She doesn't know what she will do if she stays around Jaime's vicinity.

You are the Lord Commander of Queensguard, she scolds herself. She's not here for Ser Jaime, she's here for the greater good and safety of the entire realm. If she wraps herself with her oaths and honor like a protection, she'll be okay.

But when Joanna calls for her, chases her and giggles when she catches Brienne's leg and Jaime looking at them with obvious fondness in his eyes, she melts. Jaime offers Joanna his hand and she holds it but what Brienne doesn't expect is for Joanna to hold her hand as well and the three of them walking side by side, together.

With the scent of the sea, and the breeze of the sun, it reminds her of Tarth and a feeling of familiarity that she only feels around her father and Galladon.

Jaime smiles at everyone who greets him and nods when they ask how he is. They smile at Joanna as well and coos when she giggles.

"This is Ser Brienne," Jaime says when they ask who she is. "The Lord Commander of Queensguard. She's also Joanna's favorite person, at the moment."

"Bri!" Joanna exclaims excitedly. "Bri!"

"Welcome, Ser Brienne." They tell her. They don't look at her like it's impossible for her to stand with Jaime and Joanna. "We hope you enjoy Casterly Rock."

Brienne nods and wishes the smile she has on her face is not forced.

Because Brienne bled and begged and cried for Jaime when he left her for Cersei. She needed Jaime and Cersei to work, she needed for people to think she doesn't belong with them because if they don't, everything she sacrificed for will be all for nothing.

*

There's no information about the invader when they asked around. They tried to be discreet and hoped the invader and anyone who are involved with them won't be as smart as Brienne hoped. They left as soon as Joanna did her first yawn, and that was before she begged Brienne if they could eat Casterly Rock's street food.

Jaime just shrugged and gave them gold to buy when Brienne looked at him helplessly. At one point, Brienne felt an ache in her chest when she watched Joanna feed Jaime an sugar apple.

"She's asleep." Jaime whispers and Brienne blinks back to reality.

Brienne watches his facial expression soften as he gazes at Joanna, sleeping. "She seems tired from the trip."

"Thank you for giving her this opportunity to spend time with you." Jaime leans forward and looks at her. His eyes are sad and gentle, it reminds her of the meadows in Tarth, the first day of Spring. "Thank you for giving her this memory."

"Thank you for allowing me." Brienne has the sudden urge to kiss him.

Jaime seems to have the same urge as he leans towards her. Brienne closes her eyes and hears her heartbeat beats like a stallion in a war. But she feels his lips against her forehead, instead, rather than her lips.

The door opens and they pull back away from each other and it's Mikael and Bran looking at them.

Mikael has an eyebrow raised but just says, "We're hungry. Let's all eat together." and he leaves.

Bran, though, looks at Brienne in the eye and he looks like he's laughing.

Fuck, Brienne thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me why i didnt just titled this; bran: *i am right and yall wrong noises*
> 
> alternatively, bran: hoes mad idgaf keep being mad hoes
> 
> i'll be completely honest with yall i dont think my mental health was the problem of why i couldn't finish this chapter. i think it's because of the switch up of the angst to fluff style. like every time i open this file, my mind is like page 404. i haven't been doing a lot of writing, to be fair. so it could be anything!
> 
> i do think... there's some... weird pacing in here. but every time i delete it i just go back to that kind of strange pacing. i decided to let it go and hope for the best. i do have the next two chapters outlined so i'm gonna start writing that. it is less emotional and more on the plot, so it is more informative and will answer some of your questions.
> 
> i did post this chapter before but deleted it cause i read it again and thought some of my writing seems rushed, im not gonna lie but i try to write it and delete and write again and honestly, i just go back to it again. hopefully my writing will improve on the next chapter. i think its because of a.) switch up of the style b.) i havent been writing recently to practice and it shows.
> 
> i promised yall january and im happy that i kept that promise so hopefully next week i'll post the next chapter cause i honestly want to wrap this up and block any show brienne/jaime, man. we're going in to the next decade and we only fuck with non show brienne/jaime. only happy brienne/jaime, baby, we are done being sad. leave it in 2019 and bring more book brienne/jaime in 2020!
> 
> so, thank you guys for reading.


	17. Jaime XII

“You know what?” Mikael asks them. He gives Jaime one look of challenge before saying, “Let’s drink. Considering tomorrow, you’ll be leaving, I’d say let’s make some memories before you go.”

  
Jaime swallows whatever protest he has on his tongue and shoves an entire spoonful of food. He wants nothing more than to lock himself in his room so he wouldn’t see Brienne and Bran leaving – they received a letter from Tyrion a week ago, asking Brienne to come back as the Queen needs her Lord Commander and a letter from Jon that just said _come home, Bri. I miss you_ , Jaime doesn’t know if that’s really the content of Jon’s letter and he never wanted to know but Bran doesn’t listen to him and loudly announced that’s what the letter said, the fucking _brat_ – but he has no choice; he’s the Lord of Casterly Rock and they are his guests, it’s only common courtesy for him to see them off.

  
But, at the same time, he’s a man. A man who is in love with Brienne. They never discussed the forehead kiss Jaime had given her in Joanna’s room and given the chance that they can talk about it? Jaime probably wouldn’t. He doesn’t know how to explain it. He never had the right words to say even when he was talking about it to Mikael. That’s why when Mikael said he will force them to, Jaime didn’t know what to say.

  
And that’s the problem with him these days, he thinks bitterly. Saying the wrong things in times he needed them to be right.

  
_Everything I did was for Cersei._

  
_She’s hateful and so am I._

  
“Bran doesn’t drink.” Brienne says.

  
Bran gives her a look and shrugs. “I do. I just don’t do it often.”

  
“You drink.” Jaime cant quite believe it. “Does your siblings know?”

  
“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” Bran breathes. “Besides, I need to sleep.”

  
That... shut Jaime up. Sometimes he forgets that Bran is just a boy, forced to face the demons that not even a full grown man could bear.

  
“How about you, Ser Brienne?” Mikael asks and how he calls her Ser, makes Jaime almost choke on his own food. “Do you drink?”

  
“I do.” Brienne answers.

  
“How often?”

  
“Enough.”

  
“You did have a drink, then.” Bran says suddenly.

  
“What?” Brienne asks.

  
Bran looks unimpressed. “You know exactly _what_ I’m talking about.”

  
This time, Jaime does choke. But at least, he’s comforted with the fact Brienne blushes, as well.

  
“So, that settles it.” Mikael beams. “Let’s drink!”

  
And that’s how Jaime finds himself in Mikael’s room, staring at the moon who is looking down at them as they drink themselves away.

It’s almost laughable – because Mikael doesn’t drink, Jaime doesn’t think Bran would drink now if it wasn’t for the fact he wanted to make Jaime and Brienne’s life harder. Jaime has stopped drinking after of what happened with him and Brienne, pretty much self-explanatory as to why and Brienne? He can’t imagine her drinking until she drops, as a Lord Commander, that kind of luxury is scarce.

  
Until today.

  
Bran passes Jaime his cup and asks for a drink.

  
“Lord Bran.” Jaime says sarcastically. “My apology for not realising sooner that you want a drink.”

  
“You made my squire sleep early. You’ll be playing him today.”

  
Honestly, Jaime didn’t want to. But he needed an excuse for Ryden to be far away from them. It seems suspicious enough if he dismissed Ryden but not Bran’s squire.

  
“No thinking, Lord Jaime.” Mikael announces. “Pour our Lord Bran of Winterfell a drink and let’s play a game.”

  
Jaime pours wine in Bran’s cup and catches Brienne’s eyes across him. He gives her a look that he, hopefully, conveys right. Brienne gives him a smile, she leans forward and pats his hand.

  
“You might want to stop pouring.” She says.  
He looks down and the cup is overflowing. He groans and everyone in the table laughs.

  
“What game would be playing?” Bran asks after they stopped laughing on Jaime’s stupidity.

  
“Not that complicated. Oberyn likes to play this game, he introduced this to me. It’s called Spin The Bottle. This is how it works,” Mikael puts an empty bottle in the middle of their table. “As the game’s name suggests, we’re going to spin the bottle. On whom the pointy end of the bottle will stop to, will be the one answering the question of the person with the other end of the bottle pointed at. If we don’t want to answer the question, we will have to do two shots of wine. Is that clear?”

  
“Crystal.” Jaime says.

  
“That sounds like Tyrion’s game from before.” Brienne grins at him.

  
He rolls his eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

  
Bran clears his throat. “Can we start?”

  
Jaime breathes deeply while Brienne blushes once again.

  
 _Brat_ , he thinks.

  
“I can hear you thinking.” Bran announces.

  
“Then, start acting like it.”

  
Mikael spins the bottle. The pointy end stops at Bran and the other to Mikael.

  
“Fascinating.” Mikael says excitedly. He claps and leans forward. “Did you ever forgive Jaime of doing what he did to you?”

  
Bran looks taken back, for once. It gives Jaime pleasure. “Crippling me?”

  
“Yes.” Mikael nods.

  
Bran looks at Jaime and raises an eyebrow. “I have.”

  
“You weren’t angry at him?” Brienne asks.

  
“I was.” Bran answers. “It was my right to be angry. Some days, I still am. But I know what I know now because of what happened. Jaime was just a tool – just like the rest of us. And I owe myself that peace. Peace that I can control.”

  
“But... he crippled you...” Brienne adds. Under the moonlight, she shines.

  
“Yes, he has. And he lost his hand, as a pay back. Some people would call it poetic justice. I’d call it as Jaime being a Lannister.”

  
“Because he paid his debt?” Mikael asks.

  
“Exactly.”

  
Jaime coughs. “Well, I’m glad you had forgiven me.”

  
Bran hums and has a look on his face that says he wants to say something more. But, he doesn’t.

  
Mikael spins the bottle again and this time, it’s Bran who’s asking the question and Brienne answering it.

  
“Anything you ask of me, I feel like you already know the answer.” Brienne says giggling.

  
“I do. But do you?” Bran asks. And he doesn’t give Brienne a chance to answer as he asks, “One thing you regret?”

  
Brienne blinks. “ _Oh_.” She says softly. “Oh.”

  
“Well?” Bran asks.

  
Silence. The only thing that Jaime hears is the rustling of the wind against the trees and the warm breeze of Spring.

  
Then, Brienne says, “I never had a chance to say goodbye.”

  
Jaime doesn’t know goodbye to whom but it seems it doesn’t matter if they know or not – because Bran just nods and replies, “I know.”

  
Mikael shrugs and spins again. It lands on Jaime as the one answering the question and Mikael asking.

  
“Honestly, though, cuz, do you really push Bran’s chair and say let me give you a hand with that?”

  
Brienne lets out a laugh and Bran almost, almost laughs. Jaime rolls his eyes and answers the question.

  
For a time, that’s how they do. They ask funny questions – _why are you called Third Eyed Raven when you don’t have a third eye?, how many times have you opened a door and find Tyrion fucking some woman?, does Davos really lost his finger and kept the bones?_

  
And Jaime has never stop laughing through the night. He’s a bit drunk, too.

  
When Mikael’s laugh turns into occasional chuckle, he spins the bottle once again and it stops to Jaime and Bran.

  
“Ask away, Bran. Keep it juicy.” Mikael wiggles his eyebrows as he drinks his wine.

  
Bran blinks softly at Jaime and says, “You don’t know how to show someone you love them unless you either give your life for theirs or you fuck them.”

  
Jaime feels like the world just stops for a second, but it feels like eternity on how his tongue just rolls in his mouth. They all look at him. “That’s not a question.”

  
“And I don’t need the answer. Because I know. I know that you have prayed to gods you don’t believe in to bring back your mother and take you instead. You would have killed yourself for Tyrion’s life when he was in danger. And let’s not get started with Cersei.”

  
“ _Bran_.” Jaime is powerless against him.

  
“You give up everything and took white cloak for her sake. You went away inside to her when the worst moments of your life happened. You fucked her in the Sept, besides the dead body of your son because that’s the only way you know how to communicate.”

  
“Yes.” Jaime’s tongue feels too thick.

  
“You wish it was different.” Bran says.

  
Jaime closes his eyes and watches his time in Winterfell unfold. He did wish it was different. He wishes he didn’t have to seduce Brienne, he wishes he didn’t fuck her then, he wishes he didn’t leave. He wishes, he wishes, he wishes.

  
He wishes he knew more on how to tell anyone he loves them other than digging his own grave or fucking them.

  
But, it’s not different and if he was a better man, he would be Jon Snow. Which he is not. Because Jon Snow is going to marry Brienne and he isn’t.

  
When he opens his eyes, Brienne is gone.

  
*

  
Jaime wakes up the next morning with a burning headache. His first thought, _I’m going to fucking kill Mikael_ and the second is, _what the fuck happened last night?_

  
He stands up and curses the sun for being too bright. He realised he never changed his clothes from last night so he asks for a bath and some clothes.

  
“Lady Cersei asked for an audience, My Lord.” One of the squire says.

  
Lord Jaime has no time for her. She’s been asking to see him for weeks. “Tell her not right now.”

  
“She said she won’t eat unless you talk to her.”

  
Jaime slowly gives his squire a look that he knows would pass the message he wants to convey, which worked, if the squire’s one step backwards is any indication. He may be a one handed lion but he’s still one and lion bites. “Tell her to starve, if that’s what she wants.”

  
The squire nods and leaves his room.

  
After he finishes his bath and looks and feels like the every inch of a Lord that he is, he walks out his room as well and walks to the dining room where he sees Mikael and Bran breaking their fast.

  
Brienne is nowhere in sight.

  
Before he sits down, he tells one of the servants, “Bring Ser Brienne soup and bread in her room. I’m sure she feels sick and tells her she’s welcome to join us if she wants.”

  
The servant nods and leaves.

  
He looks at the table and the two men are looking at him like he has two heads.

  
“What?” Jaime asks.

  
“If that’s what you think why Brienne is not leaving her room, then you’re dumber than I thought.” Mikael says.

Jaime’s blood runs cold. “Did I do something last night?”

  
“You didn’t.” Bran answers.

  
“Then, why –”

  
“You don’t remember what happened last night, that’s okay.” Bran cuts him off. “It will make sense someday. For now, let’s eat.”

  
Another cryptic message from Bran. Typical.

  
They eat in silence until Jaime breaks it off.

  
He sighs and says, “You’re leaving today. I’m more pissed that we didn’t have anything on the invader.”

  
“We do.” Bran replies. “It’s an old friend of ours.”

  
Jaime’s eyes widen. “ _Who_?”

  
“I can’t tell.” Bran answers.

  
“Why not?” Jaime whines. Bran knows, and if he does, it means they can fix this right away.

  
“Because it is not my job to tell you. My destiny is to know and to nudge you in the right direction.”

  
Jaime feels his frustration boiling. “Bran, it will be easier if you just tell me – us, it will finally make us all rest if you do.”

  
“Think, Jaime. It’s an old friend. I’m here at Casterly Rock. Think.”

  
“Bran –”

  
“There has to be a time and place to make a moment happen. You, knowing the identity of the invader is a moment. This is not the time nor the place for it.” Bran looks at him. “Think, Jaime.”

  
That follows Jaime everywhere he goes. When he helps Bran to fix his things in a box, he thinks of what Bran had said. When Mikael talked to him about anything, Bran’s words follow him. It didn’t stop him coming to him until he realised he never saw Brienne for hours.

  
Bran said he didn’t do anything last night but he finds it hard to believe.

  
Jaime sees Brienne walking down the stairs; that’s the first time Jaime has seen her today and he stares at her enough, tries to map every corner and inch of her skin because this might be the last time he sees her.

  
Joanna squirms on his arms and he puts down his daughter just for her to run towards Brienne.

  
Brienne carries her and they talk softly to each other.

  
When Brienne reaches them, she looks at the carriages he prepared for her and Bran.

  
“Thank you for your hospitality.” Brienne says.

  
 _Love her enough to know when to give up_ , Tyrion had said. Jaime has given enough memories and a kiss in Brienne’s stay here. That’s enough for Jaime to last a lifetime.

  
“You’re welcome.” Jaime replies.

  
“I have a favor.” Bran announces. He’s already inside the carriage he would share with Brienne.

  
Jaime turns around to look at him. “What?”

  
“I saw a vision. There’s a sunflower field and a sword in the middle. It didn’t make sense to me at that time but now, it does.” Bran meets Jaime’s eyes. “Take us there.”

  
Jaime feels himself stiffen. That... place. That place Bran wants to go is... the garden his mother used to use but when she died, so all of the flowers. Jaime had asked for the servants to plant sunflowers in there, now, and he put Oathkeeper in the middle of it.  
He never met his child with Brienne. Most days, he mourns. In some days, he stays in the garden for a long time and talks to the child that can never be.

  
“If you want.” Jaime says finally.

  
Brienne looks confused but follows them regardless. She gives Joanna to the wet nurse and kisses her forehead.

  
When they reach the garden, he hears Brienne gasps and says, “It’s beautiful.”

  
“I’m glad you do.” Bran replies, like he’s the one who did the garden. “Because this is Jaime’s momentum for your son.”

  
Brienne looks at him. “Ser Jaime?”

  
Jaime swallows the lump in his throat. “I don’t know where you buried him. And I don’t think I have the right to demand to know.”

  
“I...” Brienne blinks. “I let the sea take it. Like my brother.”

  
“You would have named him Galladon.” Bran announces, and he has a far away look in his eyes. “He would have been a knight, and he has golden hair and blue eyes and he would have been the first real Lannister that will sit in throne.”

  
“Really?” Jaime asks, his eyes moisten.

“Maybe.” Bran wheels himself away slowly. “We will never know now, would we?”

  
Brienne and Jaime don’t leave each other and continue to stare at Oathkeeper.

  
“I’m sorry.” Jaime says.

  
“For what?”

  
“For loving you.”

  
Brienne looks at him. “What?”

  
“I know you don’t love me –”

  
“I don’t –” Brienne says and Jaime has to feel his heart gets step on. “But, I did. Before.”

  
Jaime blinks. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  
“Because...” Brienne looks away. “Because you didn’t owe it to me to love me back. I just loved you.”

  
 _Loved_.

  
Something in the past.

  
 _Love her enough to know when to give up._  
Jaime is giving up.

  
*

  
Days has passed when Brienne and Bran left, and Jaime has to... bring himself back again, when they did.

  
He feels like he’s just in continuous heartbreak and it never stops. It’s a cycle that he doesn’t know how to get rid of. But he does know how to distract himself, so he talks to Mikael about on who’s poisoning him.

  
“So, you think Ryden is poisoning me.” Mikael says.

  
“Yes.”

  
“Why?”

  
“For a lot of things.” Jaime sighs. Remembers how he killed Olenna. “For money, maybe. Or I don’t know, maybe someone is ordering him to.”

  
“Who would it be?” Mikael asks, incredulously.

  
“My first guess is Cersei –”

  
Mikael snorts. “You got me there.”

  
“Because you’re a Lannister now and she isn’t and she’s willing to do anything to have what she thought the world took from her.”

  
Suddenly, Jaime stops.

  
_She’s willing to do anything to have what she thought the world took from her._

  
_An old friend of ours._

  
_You expect the world the bend to her whims, Jaime._

  
Of course. Of _fucking_ course.

  
It makes sense now. She’s poisoning Mikael not with the intent of just killing him but to use it to manipulate all of them enough to take the fucking crown. He doesn’t know how Cersei does it, on how she managed to create wars in places she has no business in. She’s probably using the Lannister gold, too. It makes him grit his teeth.

  
“Ryden!” he calls.

  
Mikael raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

  
Ryden comes running inside and Jaime pushes him against the wall and makes sure it hurts.

  
“ _Jaime_ –”

  
“I know Cersei is ordering you to kill my cousin.” He hisses. “The question is, why? Are you fucking my sister? Is her cunt what made you betray your own fucking Lord?”

  
“No, Ser, Ser – I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t do it for that kind of petty reason! I have family, Ser, Lady Cersei just – she said she’ll kill my family –”

  
Jaime lets go of Ryden. _Ryden is not Lancel_ , he thinks.

  
“Mikael, send guards to Ryden’s family, just in case Cersei does anything backhanded again.” He walks out the room and hears Mikael asking _where are you going_?

  
Where else?

  
Jaime doesn’t knock in Cersei’s door. He just pushes inside and catches Cersei in her bed, naked.

  
“Brother –” she stands up and her body is still as beautiful as Jaime remembers.

  
But unlike before, he doesn’t feel anything. He’s not a fucking trained dog anymore.

Cersei wanted him to be a knight and that’s what she’s going to get.

  
Jaime walks towards her and wraps his hand around Cersei’s neck and squeezes.

  
“You _fucking_ bitch.” He hisses. “When will it be enough for you?” he squeezes harder for one last time and lets go. He throws her on the floor and catches a sadistic pleasure of seeing her wheezing for air. “If I didn’t value the fact the world deserves to see you executed, I would have killed you myself!” He screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did this one sitting and it shows.
> 
> i'm sure a lot of you knew it's cersei because who else would it be? lolol


	18. Bran II

Bran watches in amusement as Sansa and Arya walk inside his room with a scowl on their faces. Arya smiles as soon as she sees Bran and runs towards Bran to embrace him.

"Bran." Arya says. She smells like the sun and Winterfell -- like home, that it makes Bran aches in places he knows The Third Eyed Raven wouldn't understand. When Arya lets go, Bran catches a vision -- Gendry walking away and Arya flinching -- but it's over even before it makes sense.

Sansa keeps on scowling, however. "Lord Bran of Winterfell. It seems you're like our King."

"I'm not the King of The North. I can do what I want." Bran says. "And it seems, you're a good alternative if Jon doesn't want to go home. Winterfell hasn't fall apart yet under your command."

"But I'm not the king." Sansa insists. And Bran doeen't mean to, he swears he doesn't but he sees Sansa's mind and catches Sansa and Podrick -- and oh. Oh.

Bran doesn't say anything.

"Jon seems smitten." Arya sniffs. "Understandable. Brienne is lovely."

Sansa rolls her eyes. "I know that. But is that enough of a reason to leave his post?" She hugs Bran and whispers I miss you before she pulls away.

"Just because you can't come here and visit Podrick, doesn't mean you can judge Jon, Sansa." Arya teases.

It seems to work. Sansa blushes as the same color as her hair. "Shut up, Arya."

"I'm glad you're both here." Bran announces and it's true. "But, what are you really here for?"

"I'm here to pick Jon up. He keeps on forgetting that his place isn't here anymore but in Winterfell. Our Bannermen is nervous." Sansa says.

"He's here for Brienne." Bran replies. Or keeping Brienne from Jaime, he thinks wistfully.

"That isn't enough reason to leave a whole kingdom." Sansa frowns. "I still don't understand why they wouldn't get married."

Because if they do, they'll fall apart in more ways than one. "You have to ask Jon." Bran puts his attention to Arya. "And you?"

Her face soften and she seems to be the Arya Bran knows. The Arya when they were younger. Arya, I love you but I... and Bran blinks. Another oh. "I just want to make sure Sansa travels okay."

Something happened with Gendry and Arya but Bran is not one to pry. He has enough from Jaime and Brienne, thank you very much.

"We should probably talk to Jon, considering he's what you came here for."

Sansa grumbles. "You should go back there, too."

And Bran thinks of Winterfell. His home. The place where he got crippled. The place where Rickon died. The place full of ghosts that they don't see but he does. He might face them and he will -- but not right now.

"I'll think about it." Bran pushes himself and leads his sisters in Jon's room.

And they find him with Sam, having a deep discussion. Sam lights up with recognition when they see them.

"Oh, the Starks are here." He says, smiling.

Jon turns around and finds them. He grins -- he rarely does that -- and walks towards them to hug each and one of them.

"We saw each other this morning." Bran tells Jon.

"But it's all of us now." Jon insists.

Sam chuckles. "I'll be leaving, then." He looks at Jon. "I'll be back, Your Grace."

"Yes. Thank you, Sam."

Sam nods and smiles at all of them. He walks towards the door and as soon as he closes it, Sansa gives Jon a look of annoyance.

"Can you tell me, King of Winterfell, what are you doing in Red keep when you're the ruler of North?"

Jon sighs. "Sansa."

"Jon," Sansa sighs back. "Our Bannermen personally asked me to pick you up, like a child, if that's what it takes to bring you back to rule."

"I'm here for Brienne, my bride-to-be." Jon says and looks at Bran. "I'm sure our brother knows that."

"Brienne is here as the Lord Commander of the Queensguard." Bran says. "Whether or not I'm here doesn't change that."

"Then, marry her." Sansa butts in. "Live for a while in Winterfell or in Tarth. Have children. I don't know, Jon, but don't forget that an entire nation of people asked you to be their king and you said yes."

"I know my responsibilities." Jon says.

Sansa scowls. "Then, start acting like it."

There's silence that follows them and for once, none of them knows how to fill it.

Bran doesn't know what happened between Jon and Brienne a couple of days after they went back to Red Keep. There seems to be a wall that was there even before but they couldn't ignore it any longer now. Bran likes to call that wall Jaime Lannister but he doesn't think Jon nor Brienne will appreciate it.

"I want to take a rest." Sansa says. "And King Jon, I hope to hear your decision when we talk next."

Jon sighs. "I will."

Bran has no desire to stay in Jon's room. He asks Arya if he wants to leave with him. Arya gives Jon a sympathetic smile before she walks towards Bran's chair.

"Sansa is just moody because she couldn't visit Podrick. She's just jealous of you and Bran because you can do what you want." Arya tells them.

"Sansa may have... changed." Bran replies. "But she is still the child who believed in happy endings. She still believes in songs and stories. And she thinks Podrick is the prince."

"And?" Jon asks. "Is he?"

Bran gives Jon a look. "Considering you know better, why don't you tell me?" And before Jon can reply, Bran says, "Come on, Arya. Our King needs time."

They do leave. Not before they hear Jon sigh again.

"Is there a problem I didn't know about?" Arya asks as she pushes his chair.

Bran doesn't reply. He can't, anyway. In his mind, he sees Arya visiting Gendry and telling him she loves him. But --

It's too late. I'm about to marry a girl from Dorne.

You haven't met her!

I haven't but --

Gendry, this is not the life you want! We're meant to be free, Gendry, you and me, we can go to Braavos or I don't know, Winterfell --

Ser Brienne is going to marry your brother, Arya. Because she's the representative of Storms Land. I may only have one land that was given to me but it is very important. I need to do everything I can to make sure everything we had to sacrifice to get this peace won't be broken.

You mean --

Arya, I love you but... but I need to marry for duty. Maybe, you can go to Braavos. Maybe, you can do what you want but that's not in the table for me. Not anymore. Not after when I asked you to marry me and --

Gendry --

Goodbye, Arya. I wish you the best.

"Bran?" Arya whispers.

"He rejected you." Bran announces softly.

Bran feels Arya's movement halts.

"Shouldn't you be the one telling me a problem I didn't know about?" Bran counters.

"I forgot you have this power." Arya sighs.

Bran smiles sadly. "Most days, I believe it's a curse."

*

Bran feels Brienne before he sees her.

He's in the Sept again -- it is the most quiet place in the entire Red Keep, after all. She sits besides him, and waits until he finished praying. Or it's what it looks like to outsiders. Truthfully, Bran doesn't pray; not because he doesn't believe in the old gods or the new; not even the Third Eyed Raven can prove whether or not the gods are real. He just doesn't know what to feel of telling secrets to the wind he never wanted to know in the first place.

Bran doesn't pray. What he does is close his eyes to calm his mind. When he opens them, Brienne is not looking at him.

"Brienne." He greets.

"Bran."

"Have you seen Sansa?"

She shakes her head. "She was already resting when I got here. I will talk to her later."

Bran nods. "I see." He tilts his head. "What do you need from me?"

"Do you think the only reason I talk to you is because I need something from you?"

Bran almost smiles. Almost. "Of course not. But you look troubled. And I don't think you came here to pray to the gods to fix it for you."

The corner of Brienne's mouth lifts -- not quite a smile. She does look troubled and oozing the confusion, too. For once, Bran doesn't want to know what she's thinking. He wants her to tell him.

"What do you think the gods do with prayers they receive?" She asks.

Bran looks ahead and watches a candle melt. "I don't know. I guess, they collect and judge who deserves answering to."

"Do I deserve answering?" Brienne whispers.

Bran locks eyes with her. "Do you?"

"I'm tired." Brienne blurts out. "I'm -- I'm tired. Of -- everything --" she hisses the word, like it personally offends her. "I'm tired of being the good Lord Commander. I'm tired of always burning pieces of myself for other people. I'm tired of pretending everything is not falling apart. I'm tired of lying to Jon and I am tired of always saying goodbye to Jaime!" She exclaims. Her voice echoes around the Sept. She looks embarrassed after a moment of realisation. "We always say goodbye. We always do this. We always, always seem to have to leave each other but always come back around somehow. I'm tired of looking at his eyes and see pain in them. I'm tired."

"You're not here to ask for an opinion. You already decide." Bran replies.

Brienne nods, solemn. "Do you think I'm making the right decision?"

"Right decision for whom?" Bran asks. "For you or for everyone?"

Brienne shakes her head and says, instead. "I want to ask if you know where I can find the Red Priestess."

Bran looks out the window and finds one of the raven, looking back at him. "No." He says. "But I certainly know where we can send a message."

*

When Bran was a kid, he always imagine what would have happened if Jon's mother was in the same table as their family when they're having dinner? What would have their mother do? He always try to imagine if Ned will choose Jon's mother or Catelyn's side if it comes to an argument. Simplier times, honestly. And everyone he loves was still alive, then.

He always imagine the tension if Catelyn meets the woman Ned was willing to fuck outside their marriage. He never really quite got it, really, but he thinks this dinner is close enough.

At the very head of the table is Daenerys, and besides her is Jon and Brienne, sitting across each other. It's quite comical to watch. Sansa is sitting besides Brienne and Arya besides Jon. Besides Arya is Tyrion Lannister and across him is Bran. Whenever they lock eyes -- the cripple and the dwarf -- it takes a lot for him not to chuckle.

"I'm glad you're here, Lady Sansa. Welcome to Red Keep. I hope you're enjoying your stay so far." Daenerys says, looking directly at Sansa.

"I am." She glares at Jon. "My... brother has been accomodating."

Jon hasn't. But Bran is not going to say that.

"I see. And have you talked with Brienne?"

At that, Sansa's eyes seem to brighten. "I haven't. I missed her terribly." She turns her head a bit and smiles at Brienne. "I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure you have a lot of stories to tell."

"Yes." Brienne smiles, a little uncertain. "I do."

"Yes. Just recently we met up with Jaime." Bran announces.

If looks could kill, Jon would have done Bran a red wedding.

"Jaime?" Arya frowns. "Why?"

"Bran saw a vision of the invader in Casterly Rock. We went there to check." Brienne explains.

"There was nothing there." Jon glares at Bran. "Which I have told Lord Bran here."

"Jon." Brienne warns. "I'm sure there was progress in the investigation."

Jon looks at him, soften. "I know."

"Speaking of progress," Arya says. "The fact there was an instant peace surprised me. Considering what Cersei had done, I didn't think we would have gotten there. We were busy doing a lot of things but I wonder what happened. I heard Brienne did something and I wanted to thank you."

Sansa looks at Brienne. "I wanted to thank you as well. But Jon said you didn't want to be thanked."

Brienne swallows. "It was not honorable. What I sacrificed."

"It's fine. We don't need to talk about it." Jon insists.

"Not honorable?" Daenerys isn't having it. "Because of you, all of us are safe. You're a hero."

"No." Brienne croaks out. "Not even close."

"Brienne." Jon pleads.

"What is it?" Tyrion asks. "That you sacrificed?"

Brienne snaps her head.

"It was... it was something important, that at that time, I didn't think it was." Brienne refuses to look at Tyrion.

"Something important?" Arya blinks. "What changed about you, then?"

It is that word that seemed to click everything into place. Change. That what it was. Change.

What change about Brienne?

Tyrion's eyes widen. "Jaime?"

Daenerys' follows him. "The Kingslayer?"

"Please. Can we just let this go?" Jon angrily looks around at the table.

"Not exactly Jaime." Bran says. He gives Jon a look. "But what Brienne feels about him."

Sansa exhales slowly and says, "Love?" She blinks at Brienne. "You gave up love?"

"I didn't have a choice." Brienne whispers.

Sansa slowly turns her head towards Jon. "And you, you knew this?"

Jon doesn't look at her.

"You knew what she sacrificed and you still want to marry her?" Sansa demands.

Jon stands up, and his seat creates a noise that echoes. "Yes! I know! And yes, I still want to marry her! Because if the alternative choice is Jaime fucking Lannister, then I would rather it be me!"

Brienne looks down at her plate. Her hair sways along with her. "I... I decided to get back what I sacrificed."

"Brienne, no!" Jon looks like he wants nothing more than for Brienne to shut up. "Brienne, just tell me what happened in Casterly Rock. Whatever Jaime said --"

"He said nothing." Brienne insists. "Just -- this is about me. For once in my life, I want to decide for myself."

Tyrion looks at everyone and says, "But Jaime isn't here... for this." The dwarf also looks a little overwhelmed, he can't blame him.

"It's fine." Bran says airily. They all look at him. "Jaime is coming. And he has someone with him."

As if on cue, a soldier comes running towards Daenerys with a letter in his hand.

"My apologies for interrupting your meal." He looks bewildered. "But a letter came from The Hand's brother."

"Jaime?" Tyrion asks.

"Yes." The soldier waves the letter. "He said he's coming. And he has the invader with him." A pause. "It's your sister."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update. i have no excuse.


	19. Jaime XIII

Jaime has never felt like he belongs in a Lord Commander armor. He's a knight, he knows how to lead, he's always wanted to be a character that people write in their songs. But when he's the  _ Kingslayer _ , and a sister-fucker who fathered three of the former Queen's bastards, it does feel like the armor is being disrespected.

Most days, he can ignore the itch of taking it off, he can bury the voice at the back of his head that he doesn't deserve the title, he can do his job as the protector of the innocents or whatever the words go. Some days, however, are hard. Those are the days when he goes away inside when the itch gets too much; where he just doesn't want to take the armor off but also rip his own skin, when the voices get too loud, when he just  _ can't _ ignore everything.

But, right now, as he walks towards the Dragon Queen, and she's looking at him with the same eyes as Aerys, he doesn't feel shame. At this moment, he and his armor are one -- he is a Lord Commander and he is a knight. He is  _ Lord _ Jaime Lannister. He is all of those things.

And Tyrion is right, Daenerys might have the color of her father's eyes but she isn't the man who will sacrifice the entire realm for her own sadistic pleasure.

Jaime stops in front of what seems to be her version of the throne. Their eyes meet and for a moment, Jaime thinks he sees what Tyrion sees; a woman with conviction and confidence that he hasn't seen to anyone before.

Daenerys' throne isn't a throne; it's just a simple table and a chair that has been designed to look like Targaryen colors. It is one of the things he never noticed when he was working as Lord Commander in Red Keep before, with Brienne.

Aerys liked the crown and power but Daenerys is wearing flowers in her hair. Perhaps, a flower crown made by the children.

The Queen tilts her head a bit to look behind him. She looks at Jaime and raises an eyebrow. "Your sister?"

"Yes." He nods.

"You do realised what this entails."

"I know."

Behind him, Cersei is silent. Jaime thinks it's hard for her to talk when a cloth is inside her mouth, anyway and when her hand and feet are bounded, it's hard to make any movements. When Jaime saw how the soldiers secured her, he remembered what he looked like as Robb Stark's prisoner. He remembered fondly when his biggest fear is Robb Stark's dog. In some ways, those were the easier days.

The Queen blinks at him and gives him a look of assessment. "What do you want me to do with her?"

"Throw her in the cells." He answers, no hesitation. "Execute her publicly. I don't know, this is your kingdom."

"I do need to ask the small council that I have of what to do with her. But..." She sighs. "As you can see, it's only you and me here. My Hand, who is supposed to be here with me, is your brother and the Lord Commander is..." her lips tighten and Jaime feels his spine goes straighter.

"Is she alright?" He asks.

"She's fine." The Queen answers. "She's... Tyrion likes to call it  _ compromised _ . She's compromised at the moment, and Jon is sulking." She pauses and looks behind him again. "There is too much happening. We will talk again later. For now, we will do as you say and I will have to talk to the small council on what to do with her."

Jaime frowns. "I thought this would be an easier decision. Cersei is the invader. Shouldn't she be killed on the spot?"

The Queen ignores him. Instead, she stands up and gives a hand gesture to a soldier and the soldier comes running. She turns around to look at Jaime. He can't help but think she really is a beauty. "As it turns out, we have a bigger problem to solve." She turns her head towards the soldier and talks to him in a language he doesn't understand. As she finished, she taps Jaime in the armor and gives him a look of pity. "Rest well. I will send My Hand."

Jaime watches as the Queen walks away. He only stops watching her when he hears Cersei's muffled screaming, he turns around to see the Targaryen soldiers taking her away.

"She'll be in the cells?" He asks one of the soldiers.

"The Queen told us to do what you say." One of them answers, dryly.

"I'm not going to stop you from throwing her in the cells." He deadpans.

Cersei keeps on fighting them but what's a false Queen against the soldiers of the dragon? She widens her eyes to Jaime, moist and big. If they were blue, Jaime might have changed his mind.

But they're green, and the same as his own. He's not interested.

"Take her away." He orders.

The Targaryen soldiers drag Cersei away and Cersei screams echoes in the throne room.

Jaime looks at one of the soldiers who's still standing in the corner, watching them. On top of Cersei's useless screaming, he asks, "Do you know where I can find my brother?"

  
  


*

  
  


Tyrion's room in Red Keep is bigger than he had in Casterly Rock and that seems an irony somehow. He's also pacing and anxiety keeps on raditiating off him as Jaime pours them wine. "Do you want me to talk to the small council about Cersei? I don't think they'll listen, Cersei had done so many things and I have a feeling they're just waiting for her to fuck something up so they'll have an excuse to kill her --"

"Brother." Jaime says. "Sit down here and let's talk. I love you but I like you better when you're insulting me about our sister."

Tyrion sits down across him and he still looks worried. "But you said you want Cersei alive for Joanna."

"Cersei doesn't even like Joanna." Jaime points out. He takes a swig of his wine before adding, "I don't even think the child is mine."

That catches Tyrion's attention. He snaps his head and looks at Jaime with eyes full of surprise. "Are you sure?"

Jaime shrugs. "Cersei has never been a good mother. But she liked our children enough to be decent. She doesn't like Joanna."

"Euron's?"

"Maybe."

Tyrion grimaces. "That would explain a lot of things."

"It would." Jaime nods.

"And you're... okay with that?" Tyrion asks.

"I am Joanna's father." Jaime replies, tightly. He can feel his teeth gritting. "She may not have been my seed but I love Joanna with all of my heart."

"She is family."

"Exactly." Jaime takes another swig of his wine. There's an obvious pregnant silence between them. He understands that, though. That... having to process what he just said.

Jaime may be the stupidest Lannister but he's still a Lannister. He has a functioning brain and he knows the child couldn't possibly be his. He sacrificed his child with one of the most honorable person in Westeros for a bastard that isn't even his. There's a joke in there somewhere but this is the decision he had made, and he must face it.

Speaking of the most honorable person in Westeros. "The Queen has said something about Brienne when we saw each other. Being compromised. What does that mean? Is it the small council not wanting her to decide with them about Cersei?"

Tyrion physically shudders. "The small council didn't let me in the meeting for Cersei's fate because I'm her brother. Brienne... isn't."

"Then?"

"Jon just thinks... Brienne is incapable of deciding the right thing."

Jaime frowns. "But, why?"

Tyrion drinks his cup like it's water and he pours himself another to do the same thing again.

"Brother," Jaime says. "You're scaring me."

Tyrion looks at Jaime and it is one of those looks that Jaime had been subjected to before. When Jaime released his brother when he was on trial for Joffrey's death. When Tyrion let Jaime go to save Cersei. It is one of those looks. Sadness, and kindness. The most cruel combination. "To save the world, Brienne sacrificed... her love for you."

If Jaime is holding his cup, he would have let go of it. "What?"

"Her love for you is what she sacrificed. And it made a lot of sense. She didn't care that you chose Cersei, when she lost her child, she didn't mourn and I thought it was strange and one night, she told us what she gave up. The Starks were there and Jon was angry. I imagine they had a conversation about that after."

Jaime doesn't register the rest of what Tyrion said. Brienne's love for him is what she sacrificed to save the world. For Brienne to sacrifice anything already makes Jaime feels like he's a worthless fool, but this one takes a lot more to digest.

_ Her love for you. _

_ I don't need it _ , Brienne said before she saved the world. She didn't need it because Jaime is a stupid fool. A fucking fool.

"Does she want it back?" Jaime asks. "The love?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Tyrion shrugs. "Maybe, he didn't want to be like Father."

Jaime thinks of Tywin Lannister when he lost his wife. It does feel familiar; the lack of mourning, and how he wants everyone of his children to continue the Lannister legacy except in Brienne's case, marrying Jon Snow for the greater good of the realm.

The irony of it all.

"Jaime?" Tyrion calls, softly.

"I want to finish an entire barrel of wine." Jaime replies. Because borrowing sanity from tomorrow is better than going crazy today.

Tyrion nods and takes a swig. "I'm way ahead of you."

  
  
  


*

  
  
  


Jaime feels like death, but not enough to forget what Tyrion had told him.

What does it say about Jaime if knowing the woman he loved sacrifice her love for him to save the world is worse than saving a child that isn't his to begin with?

He doesn't know what the conclusion is yet but it will be a horrible one when he figures it out.

He was still feeling like death and thinking of an answer when a handmaiden came to Tyrion's room and told Jaime that the Queen asked if he wanted to join her for breakfast, he didn't hesitate to say yes.

He still feels like a walking corpse (because they did finish a whole barrel of wine and Tyrion is sleeping like a dead man in his bed) when he sits across Daenerys. There's no one with her, still.

"You're comfortable around the Kingslayer?  _ Alone _ ?" He asks. And he wants to slap himself. This is why Tyrion is the only Lannister that should be talking.

But it seems to be the right thing to say because she smirks as she passes him a plate of food. "My father is a crazy fool who wants to kill everyone for his own gain.  _ I am not my father _ ."

"So, I've heard." He says drily.

Jaime manages to swallow a spoonful before the Queen speaks again.

"I'm guessing your brother had told you."

"That the small council didn't want him to be in the meeting for Cersei's trial?"

"No, not that one. But now you've said it, what do you think?" She asks.

"Whether or not he's there won't change a thing. The small council will want to see her dead and as do I."

"You've changed." Daenerys points out.

"A long time coming, I admit." He sighs. "But at least, I got there."

"Of course. But what I want to know is if your brother told you about Brienne."

Jaime halts and breathes sharply.

Daenerys blinks. "He has."

"Why do you think you're one less barrel of wine?" Jaime asks.

"I don't drink wine so I wouldn't know." She replies. "I rarely drink."

"When you're upset, you don't want to feel like death like the rest of us?" He mockingly tries to look innocent. "A queen indeed."

Daenerys lifts her mouth a little. "You're funny. I can see why Brienne would like you."

"My sense of humor isn't enough to forget I was also fucking my sister."

"No." She chews a piece of meat before continuing. "But killing a King to save Westeros and accepting having a bad reputation for one good deed you did might."

"I'm not a good person." Jaime says. "I'm not worthy of love."

Jaime doesn't know what he wants to say or if there's any point of this conversation other than the fact Daenerys probably just wants to see if Jaime would try to kill her -- and fail, miserably -- again or that maybe, she's entertained to watch a one less handed Lord trying to eat a meal.

"That isn't your decision to make if you're something worthy of love from other people." Daenerys says before she drinks a cup of tea. "Or so I've been told."

This has been bugging him for a while. Jaime thinks this is the right time to ask. "You told Jon to marry Brienne. But you let me in Red Keep with Brienne, knowing we have history. What I want to know is that... did you plan that?"

Daenerys's expression is unreadable. "I am not that diabolical. I felt I owe you a chance to prove yourself. You rise up to the challenge." A pause. Then, she sighs. "I still love Jon. I thought if you were here..."

Jaime leans back. "You are a bit diabolical. Just a small one. A normal amount. Probably not as big as Tyrion's and the gods know not like Cersei's but..."

"I'm like you?" Daenerys points out.

"Maybe." Jaime answers, remembering how he used Joanna to get between Jon and Brienne. "I shouldn't have done it. Brienne already went through hell with me and that hell made her want to give up her love for me because I am a fool."

"I'd say." She giggles softly. "But maybe you shouldn't have left in the middle of winter to begin with."

"I had no choice."

"No, you did have choices. As a matter of fact, you have two." The Queen stands up with her cup of tea. "The question is, why did you choose this one?"

"Why did you?" Jaime asks back.

"I want the throne, Kingslayer. It is mine by birth. I want it because I know I can lead. I know I can be a queen that is good and just. I gave up Jon and love not because I'm greedy for the throne but because I can't give Jon the love he deserves. But you," Daenerys stares at him. "You didn't want your sister. You have no desire to be with her. We may have similarities but we are not the same, Jaime Lannister. Because I, for one, know what I want and I have decided to choose paths that led me here. So, ask yourself, why are you here?"

  
  
  


*

  
  
  


"The Sept is too quiet." Jaime announces as he steps in front of the gods. Bran is in his seat, staring at the Mother. "I don't know why you like it here."

"People talk to me here." Bran replies. "And they seem to think it's easier to tell me their secrets in front of the gods."

"You're from the North." Jaime sits beside him. "Shouldn't you believe the old gods?"

"Who says I believe in any gods?"

"You got me there." Jaime mutters.

"Jaime," Bran looks at him. "Why are you here?"

Jaime chuckles loudly. "Daenerys had asked me the same thing." He follows Bran and looks at the Mother, too. He tries to imagine Brienne with a child in her arms. She probably would look better than a god.

"And? Have you got an answer?"

Jaime has everything but an answer. Instead, he listens to the wind outside, how some of the muffled voices and laughter can be heard inside the sept and how it just intensifies thoughts inside his head.

"You do have an answer." Bran mutters, and looks back at the Mother. "Unless you don't want to know it yourself."

Jaime closes his eyes. One thing he hates about Bran is his incapability to lie to him. He crippled the kid; at that point on, Jaime felt like he owes Bran everything. Bran never asked anything he can't give, anyway. But sometimes... he wishes he can just keep some of the truth to himself.

"You never stop being a coward." Bran says.

"I love Brienne." Jaime replies, as firmly as he can. "I did what I did because I have to save her from me."

"No, the problem isn't because you don't love Brienne. The problem is that  _ you _ don't love yourself enough. You didn't go back to Cersei for her or for the child. No, you came back there because you were ready to die. You think the ends justify the means. You think your death will fix everything. But, your death didn't do us any good. Arguably,we''re here because of you."

"I know, Bran!" He screams. "I know! I know, I'm not a good person --"

"You are." Bran insists. "The problem is, you think you're not. People aren't good  _ or _ bad, they're good  _ and _ bad. You can be both of them because you're human. You loved a horrible person but Cersei is  _ not  _ you."

There's silence that passes them.

Jaime looks down, he feels shame in his skin. "I did what I thought was right." His voice cracks.

"Well, you thought wrong."

Jaime laughs, humorlessly. Bran is right; he is a coward. He slept beside Brienne and woke up, feeling like he's a fraud, like a liar. Because he's with Brienne and Brienne looks at him like he's worthy of love, trust and devotion. All his life, Jaime has never been anything except being a Kingslayer and the fool who fucks his sister because he's mistaken Cersei's obsession for herself as love for him.

It's not like he didn't know that Cersei didn't love him. Well, at first, he didn't. But when he found, he didn't do anything to stop their relationship because he thought Cersei could still love him and their children as they were. But he was mistaken. He is a coward  _ and  _ stupid.

He got Brienne's heart in his hands, destroyed it because he was afraid and wondered why the world never seemed to forgive him.

It isn't even the world that hadn't forgave him, it was him. He never forgave himself. He never forgave himself for killing Aerys, for crippling Bran, for his children dying. And he still thinks he should be punished. Not realising that the punishment he gives himself is affecting the people he loves. Tyrion, Joanna...  _ Brienne _ .

"I'm sorry." He croaks out.

"I'm not the one you should apologise to."

Bran wheels himself away but halts as he turns around. Jaime looks at Bran, and he's staring at the door. Jaime turns his head and sees Brienne staring at him.

"Brienne," he calls, softly.

Bran wheels himself again. He stops besides Brienne, and says, "Tell Jaime when he stops being an idiot, he can come see me."

Jaime watches Bran away. Then, it's just him and Brienne. Their eyes meet. Blue meeting green. It's like being able to breathe again.

"Jaime." Brienne's eyes soften. She walks towards him, slowly. Like, Jaime is going to run away if she gets too close. She has some right to it.

Thankfully, Brienne sits across him instead of besides him. They refuse to look at each other. Jaime doesn't know how.

"How are you?" Brienne asks. Barely a whisper.

"I'm... alright. Joanna is with Mikael back in Casterly Rock."

"I've heard about Cersei."

Jaime snorts. "Everyone has. She doesn't make it easy to not be heard."

Brienne looks at him. Blue, blue, blue. "You took her here as a prisoner."

"I did."

"Jaime..." she murmurs.

"I don't want to make excuses for her anymore. Joanna doesn't need to meet someone like her as a mother."

"You loved her." Brienne insists.

"And I always will. I will love her as the mother of my dead children, and as my sister. But I never loved Cersei as a person but the person I had in my head. She was never that." Jaime closes his eyes. "And I let myself believe she is, because I'm scared of knowing that she isn't. That the last good thing in my life isn't really true."

Brienne stares at him for a moment. He doesn't need to look back at her to know. He can feel it. There's familiarity to it, too. Jaime can imagine one of the nights they shared where Jaime pretended he's sleeping while Brienne gazes at him like he's something precious. One of the nights he felt like he's lying to her.

"I gave up my love for you to save Westeros." She announces, casually.

Jaime shakes his head. "Please, Brienne."

"I want it back."

Jaime snaps his head towards her. "You wouldn't want it. I was horrible towards you. I left you alone in the middle of winter to go back to my sister. Our child died because of me."

"But it's  _ my _ love." Brienne replies, firmly. " _ My _ feelings.  _ Mine _ . You may have thought you didn't deserve it but I certainly didn't. Because I still loved you, then. And you're not -- you're not allowed to tell me you aren't worthy because it wasn't yours to decide if you are."

They just stare at each other, exchanging words their mouths couldn't. Pleading. Begging.

"I will be here." Jaime croaks out. His eyes moisten. He feels a warm liquid flows from his eyes to his cheek. "If your love comes back and you want someone to hurt, I'm here. I will be here because I wasn't. Before." He's still isn't worthy of Brienne but if Brienne thinks he deserves an ounce of love that she's willing to give, he has to try to prove Brienne is right; even just a little.

Brienne smiles, a little force, but it's a start. "I know."

  
  
  


*

  
  
  


When Jaime comes back to Tyrion's room, it isn't only Tyrion who's there.

It's Jon.

"There's my brother." Tyrion breathes a sigh of relief. "Please stop harassing me. I feel like death just visited me."

Jaime closes the door. Jaime can feel Jon's eyes watching him. "You're asking for me?" He asks.

Now, see, Jon is smaller than Jaime but he can make himself feel bigger than his opponent. A worthy of the title as a King, if he's honest.

"I wanted to talk to you." Jon replies.

"Well, don't do it here." Tyrion grunts. He's sitting in his bed with a cup of tea in his hands. "Please do it where I can't see or hear it."

Jaime chuckles warmly. He walks towards his brother and kisses his forehead. "I'll be back. Let's eat together."

Tyrion nods. Jaime smiles before he turns around and manages to make his face unreadable and uses his head to points towards the door. Jon follows him outside the room.

It isn't until Jaime closes the door that Jon says, "Stay away from Brienne."

_ Of course _ . "I can't."

Jon frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I can't. I can't stay away from her and she can't stay away from me."

"You hurt her."

"You don't think I don't know that? I know. But for some reason, we still end up together. And now, Brienne --"

"You told Brienne something that's why she's acting like this."

"She's acting like herself."

"She was in misery because of you." Jon hisses.

"You said love isn't enough reason to stay." Jaime says. "You said that before. Remember? But love is enough reason to come back. And Brienne loves me. And I love her. It doesn't matter how many times we say goodbye, we're always going back to each other."

Jon walks one step backwards. "You don't love her."

Jaime would laugh if he doesn't feel insulted. "You can call me anything you want. But you can never tell me I don't love Brienne."  _ I just don't love myself enough _ .

"Lord Jaime?"

Jaime turns around and sees Bran's squire, nervously looking at them. "Yes?"

"Lord Bran is asking for you."

"I will be back." Jon says. "We're not done with this conversation." Jon walks away.

Jaime sighs and tries to look reassuring with Bran's squire. "We just talked a while ago. What does he need?"

"He said he has someone you would like to meet. He's in the garden."

Jaime frowns in confusion. "Who is it?"

"He said to not tell you."

Jaime nods and strolls to the hallways of Red Keep until he finds the garden where Bran is. It isn't hard to guess where; there are always ravens in where Bran is.

"Bran?" Jaime saunters around and he hears a small,  _ Jaime? _ and walks and walks to find Bean and sees him in the center of red flowers, looking like a god. Besides him is someone Jaime dreams in his nightmares.

"The red priestess." Jaime blurts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: is determined to finish this


	20. Jon III / Brienne III

**Jon**

When the Red Priestess hears what Brienne has to say, she raises her eyebrows.

"Is something wrong?" Dany asks.

"Well, the way she describes it, it sounds like her love for the Kingslayer is still present. Which is  _ impossible. _ I have taken out her feelings for him down to the last root."

Jon feels Brienne shifts besides her. He risks a peak towards his fianceé who looks determined as she was when she was fighting the Others.

"I don't doubt it. But I feel…  _ empty _ without him." She says, and Jon can hear the emphasis on the word empty. She's just telling the Red Priestess the truth but the fact that Jon isn't enough for Brienne makes his chest feel void.

"Of course. The center of your soul is your love for him. I told you this, and gave you a choice. You said yes."

"It's not like I have a choice!" Brienne exclaims. "I-- the world would end if I didn't --"

"It didn't have to be  _ you _ ." The Red Priestess cuts her off. " _ You _ wanted it to be you. You saw the chance of forgetting him, you took it. There's nothing wrong with that."

"It's ruining lives, as you can see." Bran says, drily.

The Priestess looks at Brienne and at Jon. Jon looks back at her, challenging her.

"I am  _ not _ your enemy, boy." She tells Jon, calmly. But the implication is heavy.  _ Don't try me. _ Then she looks at Brienne again. "He must be flattered."

Brienne frowns. "Jon?"

"No, the Kingslayer."

Jon is about to open his mouth, asks what she means but that's when Dany decides to speak again.

"Isn't there any way for this to be reversed?"

"Unless you want the entire world dead, yes, there's a way." The Red Priestess answers. "The stars asked for an exchange for your prayers. I gave it to you. Taking that exchange will just --"

"-- put us back where we started." Tyrion finishes. "Which means…"

"There's no other way. Unless you have another exchange as strong as what she gave." She shrugs.

Tyrion and Brienne look dejected while Dany seems passive -- which means she feels…  _ something. _ If that's something is emotion, Jon wouldn't want to know.

This entire thing is a waste of time, in his opinion. Whether or not Brienne still loves Jaime Lannister is irrelevant at this point. Brienne gave that away, in the process she chose Jon. That's how it should be.

Bran tilts his head. "But you can give them a moment."

The Red Priestess gazes at him. "A moment?"

"A change to say goodbye."

For a moment, Bran and The Red Priestess just look at each other, silently conversing with their eyes. She breaks their eye contact first and sighs.

"Yes, I can." She looks around her. "Well? Do we do this or not?"

"Tyrion, call your brother." Bran orders. "Brienne, prepare yourself."

Brienne blinks. "Bran --"

"I always say Jaime is a coward but so are you." Bran complains. His usual expressionless face is nowhere to be seen. He looks mad, upset. Just as he did before he was crippled. " _ You _ will do this, Brienne."

Before Brienne can say anything, Jaime enters the room with Tyrion following him.

The Red Priestess stands up and smiles a little when she sees Jaime. "So it's you."

"What?" Jaime asks.

"You don't look that special." The Red Priestess comments. "I didn't get to look at you properly at first, but I guess… well, she could have done worse."

"Will you please stop insulting my friend?" Bran wheels himself towards them. "Come on, Brienne. You need to be here."

"I just couldn't believe that the love that saved the entire world has been inspired by a man who killed a king." The Red Priestess announces.

Jon stops breathing for a moment.  _ Of course _ … Brienne sacrificed her love for Jaime, and it was strong enough to hold an entire world together… that's…

"You must be flattered, Kingslayer." The Red Priestess raises a hand and puts two of her fingers in Brienne's forehead. "It was a powerful emotion." She looks at Brienne. "I'm giving you an echo of the emotion. A chance, as Bran calls it, to say goodbye. Do you want it?"

"Do it." Brienne's voice cracks.

The Red Priestess sighs. "You said that the last time."

And then --

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


**Brienne**

  
  
  


Brienne doesn't feel any different when the Red Priestess lowers her hand. She blinks and blinks and feels… like nothing changed. Maybe her feelings for Jaime weren't all that powerful to begin with.

That's until The Red Priestess walks one step backwards for her to see Jaime, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

Then her entire chest hurts. It starts with her heart, down to her stomach and spreads all over her body. Her knees wobble, her whole body sways.

_ Jaime _ . Her mind says.  _ Jaime! _

But Jaime doesn't look at her. He's looking anywhere  _ but _ her. His jaw clenches and his hand turns into a fist.

He looks terrible. Like he hasn't slept for days and he looks too thin and he looks exactly like the man she fell in love with when they cut off his hand and he was covered in mud.

He looks so beautiful.

This is the man that she loves, the man who gave her oathkeeper. The father of her child.

"Jaime." She whispers.  _ "Jaime _ ."

The Red Priestess looks at Jaime and grabs his wrist and pushes him towards Brienne. " _ Go _ ."

Jaime looks at her, then and his eyes widens. "Why are you crying?"

Brienne doesn't realise she's been crying, to be honest. She runs towards Jaime and embraces him. And Jaime embraces her back. Then he kisses her forehead, her eyes, her nose, her lips and everything his mouth can touch.

"I missed you." Jaime whispers in her skin. "I love you,  _ I _ love you. I love  _ you _ ." He repeats the words like a mantra, like if he doesn't say them, he won't ever say them again.

"Jaime,  _ I love you -- I  _ \--" then Jaime kisses her lips again and this time, it's deep.

If Brienne didn't try to save the world and managed to overcome her heartbreaks, would they be here? Like this? Desperate for time they couldn't keep? Feelings that couldn't be there, in the end?

"It's okay, Brienne." Jaime says against her lips. "It's okay. I'll love us enough for the both of us."

Cersei took so much from Jaime. And Jaime doesn't know when to stop giving. Because that's what they told him to do. To give until he has nothing left then they have the audacity to ask why he's empty.

Maybe Jaime wasn't right for leaving her in the winter. But as Brienne died that day, so did Jaime.

"Brienne, I love you. I -- there's so much. About Cersei. About our child. About Jo --"

"Jaime," Brienne closes her eyes and bumps her forehead into Jaime's. "Jaime. I want to remember  _ this _ ."

Jaime's face is salty and wet as Brienne continues kissing every part of him. They stay like that, without talking. Silently waiting for it to be over but wanting it to stretch for eternity.

But the stars don't accept debts left unpaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating lmaoooooo its been a while and as you can see i have been trying to get my muse for this fic again? which... im trying???????????? this chapter feels so unsatisfying so i might edit it later but for now! as i want everyone to know im alive and WELL


	21. Brienne IV

The words tasted like ashes, Brienne notes.

When she told Jon that she can't and won't marry him, Jon accepted them. He didn't ask her to think it over or to give him a chance; he lets it go. And Brienne is thankful.

Because Jon deserves so much better than her. The half-assed feelings she has for him. Now that she knows the extent of her feelings for Jaime, everything feels like second best.

And Jon is  _ not _ second best. He's… a king.  _ The _ king. One would argue that he actually should be the one in the throne.

"Dangerous thoughts, Lady Knight." A voice that Brienne is unfortunately familiar with. The red priestess.

"You can read thoughts now?"

"Oh, no. But everything is written on your face. Right now, you're thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm here." The red priestess shrugs. "The Sept is the most quiet place here in Red Keep. Bran had told me."

"Why are you still here?" Brienne asks.

"Hmm?" She sits across Brienne and looks at her. "Bran asked a favor."

"A favor?"

"What will you do, if I tell you that you can have your love for The Kingslayer and the world won't fall apart?"

Brienne shudders. That's… yes.  _ Yes _ . She wants that. But. "What's the catch?"

"Catch? Oh, no. No catch. But I do need a word."

"A word?"

"That the next time a world needs saving, you don't offer yourself." She stands up and gestures Brienne to follow her. "It's actually quite annoying how you and the man you love is too similar."

Brienne sighs.

  
  


#

  
  


The red priestess leads her to Cersei.

Who is bound by the wrist, feet and mouth. This doesn't how Brienne imagines she'd see her again. She used to be so… intimidating. So beautiful. So golden. She and Jaime share a lot of similarities in facewise but looking at her now, Jaime looked more humane. Cersei looks like a doll that was forced to live in this world.

"Why are we here?" Brienne asks.

"Did you know that the small council already decided to kill her?" She tells Brienne. Cersei's eyes widen. "They already talked about hanging her or just cutting her head. In my opinion, bounding her to a horse while the horse runs around is acceptable, too."

"What are you talking about?"

"But I decided to take her life for my own." The red priestess announces. "And her dreams, her greed and her aspirations will be the payment for what she did to the world."

Brienne snaps her attention towards Cersei. "That's possible?"

"Of course."

"This is Bran's favor?"

She shrugs. "It could be."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Why not?" The red priestess opens the cell and takes out a knife.

"We -- what if the small council --"

"They can still cut her head."

"But, Jaime --"

The red priestess laughs mockingly. "That man is mourning. Not for his sister but for you. Believe me, he wouldn't care." She takes off the bound in Cersei's mouth. "Any last words?"

"You --"

Then she stabs Cersei on the neck with no mercy.

"LADY CERSEI!" Brienne exclaims.

"That  _ you _ was a word. It counts." The red priestess shrugs and taps Cersei's forehead. She stands up and looks at Brienne. "It has come back to you. If you want to confirm, find the Kingslayer."

Brienne swallows the lump in her throat. This seems… so easy.

"You could have given more time to say her last words."

Brienne turns around and finds Bran. "Lord Bran --"

"The small council will be disappointed." He says airily. "But, oh well."

The priestess snorts. "She'll probably say something irritating and I had enough of those, just by interacting with you."

  
  


#

  
  


Cersei's death is all over Kingslanding and Queen Daenerys made a small speech about how peace is preserved.

Jaime is nowhere in sight. To be fair, so is Tyrion. Bran says there's nothing to worry about but refuses to say anything more.

A few days later, Jon has decided to go back to Winterfell.

Brienne gives him one last goodbye in the port.

"It was an honor to be with you, Your Grace." Brienne tells him.

Jon looks in pain for a moment but quickly recovers. "No need to call me Your Grace. I was Jon to you when we were betrothed. It still applies now."

Brienne says nothing. She's not comfortable with it but considering it's Jon's request…

"I will do my best."

Jon laughs, humorlessly. "Come visit me when you can. Sansa and Arya would love to see you."

"Yes."

"I wish you happiness, Brienne of Tarth." Jon says as he catches her hand and kisses her palm. "Even if it's not with me."

"I'm sorry." Brienne whispers.

Jon looks up and smiles at her. He lets her hand go, turns around and walks away.

And when Jon never looks back, Brienne thinks she deserves that.

  
  


#

  
  


The Red Priestess leaves with no trace and she only finds out through Bran.

"She said her work here is done. She needed a vacation."

Brienne thinks she did enough to warrant that rest.

In her office, Bran has stayed for weeks. He just reads books, and stares at the window. But Brienne appreciates the company. That, and his updates about Jaime.

Jaime has left Kingslanding with Tyrion. They took Cersei's body back to Casterly Rock. Bran says they'll burn the body and preserve the ashes. Or in terms of cruelty, they'll use the ashes as dirt to plant trees.

"Have you decided what to do, Brienne?" Bran asks.

"About what?"

"About your life."

Brienne drinks her cup of tea. "I'm the Lord Commander."

Bran rolls his eyes. "Yes. I'm also the Lord of Winterfell. I can still do what I want now but there will be a time I need to go back and face every ghost I'm afraid of. You can't be Lord Commander forever."

"I could try."

Bran chuckles. "Yes, you can. You also tried to save the world and where are we now."

"That's not funny."

"And I wasn't joking." Bran looks at her dead in the eye. "So, plans?"

"I… might go back to Tarth. My father has resigned as the Evenstar. And now that Jon and I are no longer engaged, I need to find someone who will give me an heir."

Bran chuckles. "Let's hope you don't make it harder for me again."

Brienne throws Bran a crumpled paper.


	22. Jaime XIV

Jaime didn't expect to like being a Lord as much as he thinks he does but he's actually enjoying himself. He feels accomplished when people thank him for doing something. Also, Joanna seems to enjoy watching him work. It's one of the reasons why he never said yes to Mikael's invitation to slack off.

"I can't believe it. The sibling who hated the four corners of Father's work chambers is the one who looks better in it." Tyrion teases. He visits every few months when there's not much to do in Kingslanding.

Jaime likes him better in letters.

"Aren't you going back to your Queen's side? Why is Her Hand here?"

Tyrion snorts. "My Queen has given us a vacation period. Even  _ Brienne  _ went back to Tarth."

Jaime freezes when he hears her name.  _ Brienne _ … the last time he saw her, it was Jon's wedding with Tormund. No one seems to be surprised about it. There was a lot of teasing on how two men who used to be involved with Brienne got married, though. Jaime expected her to be upset or to blush. But she just chuckled.

_ It's nice to be their bridge so they could fall in love _ . She had said.

She seemed different. And Jaime didn't want to ruin the light that he saw in her face.

The only time Jaime hears about her is when Joanna tells him the letters Brienne sent to her or when Tyrion wants to be a little shit.

"You could talk to her." Tyrion suggests.

"Don't be ridiculous. She's happy. And she's even letting Joanna communicate with her. I can't ask for more. I'm satisfied."

"Are you? Really?"

Jaime sighs. He puts down the quilt he's using. He was writing a letter to Bran. There's nothing much to say, all Bran asked was to visit Casterly Rock.  _ But no visit of Bran has just been about visiting. _ "You used to tell me to leave her alone."

"That was because you were selfish and Cersei was still alive. You're different now."

Different… yes. Few years had passed. It's hard not to be different.

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


Bran and Tyrion meet before Tyrion leaves. They get one good look at each other and they start chuckling.

"Something is weird?" Mikael whispers to him when they see the situation.

Jaime refuses to acknowledge his spine shivering. "Welcome, Lord Bran."

"Ah. Yes. Hello,  _ Lord  _ Jaime. How are you?"

Jaime sighs. "Enough with the formalities."

"You started it." Bran points out.

"I was just about to leave." Tyrion says. He pats Bran's shoulders. "I'll see you again."

"Don't be a stranger. Write me a letter." Bran replies.

They smile at each other.  _ Again _ .

"Something is really weird." Mikael comments.

Jaime refuses to acknowledge it.

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


Bran, for the most part and most of the days he stayed in Casterly Rock, actually just him visiting. He goes a lot with Mikael and usually stays until dinner with Jaime in his work chambers. It would have been a  _ visiting _ visit but he catches Bran looking at him, every so often that it's hard to let his guard down.

His cautiousness paid off when Bran asked him to the garden with him.

Jaime narrows his eyes. "What are we doing?"

Bran shrugs. "Maybe I just want to give respect to your child."

Tyrion did the same thing before. But it has been a few weeks since Bran 'visited' and he heard from one of the maids that Bran already paid a look in the garden.

_ I have a bad feeling about this _ . Jaime sighs. "Alright."

"Lead the way." Bran smiles at him.

"You're scaring me." Jaime grunts as he pushes Bran.

They're quiet as they walk to the garden and he hears Bran gasps when they get there.

"I haven't seen this at night." Bran says.

That's true. Because if he had, he'd know the hidden lanterns Jaime asked the servants to put to emphasize the sunflowers at dark.

"Jaime," Bran looks at him.

"Hm?"

"You would marry Brienne."

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


"So, Bran told you you'd be marrying the love of your life and the first thing you did is leave him in the garden and avoid the little winter Lord for days?" Mikael asks. "Did I get that right?"

"You're making me fun of me."

"I would never." Mikael chuckles sarcastically.

Jaime feels like he's a fifteen year old kid again and just learning how to like someone with no expectations. In some ways, he probably is. Cersei and him never had a normal relationship. And the few women during her mysteriously died or went away.

Now that he thinks about it…

_ No. _ Jaime thinks.  _ No.  _ Thinking of that is a hole. He will be digging for far too long.

"I hurt this woman. I don't think I have the right."

Mikael sighs. "I can't believe I'm saying this but well, yes, you did." Jaime flinches. " _ But _ , that would be Brienne's decision if you have the right. Remember the entire mess you both had a few years ago?"

Jaime flinches harder.

Mikael sighs again. "I'm just saying, Jaime. Don't create a conclusion on your own."

Which leads to Jaime doing another few days of contemplation. He comes out, still looking as stressed as he feels when Bran receives him in the room Jaime gave him.

"Your entire existence is made to mock me," he whines.

"Well, maybe if you didn't push me off the window…"

Jaime groans. 

Bran chuckles. "It's not like you're marrying her  _ now. _ That's the thing about being healing, I feel like. It will take time and that's what was missing between the two of you, right?"

_ Time _ . That's true. They never had  _ time _ . Their time is always limited. They always seem to be dying or on the verge of something difficult every time they're together.

But they have it now. They have an abundance of it. Jaime is slowly learning who he really is outside Cersei's clutches. It's only recently he's stopped flinching when he hears Cersei's name.

"Yes, you're right."

"I always am. Now," Bran pats his thighs. "Let's go see Joanna!"

Jaime narrows his eyes but follows Bran's orders, anyway.

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


"Father," Joanna calls for him when they share breakfast one day. It's rare for them to do so. Jaime is awake way earlier than Joanna because of his position but today, he could sleep in.

Mikael and Bran… Jaime shudders at the thought of them making plans. Last night was enough.

"Yes?" Jaime says. He sips his soup. At least he's with Joanna. Nothing Joanna can say will warrant him death.

"Brienne said she would like to visit but only if I have your permission."

Jaime has a spoonful of soup in his lap as his grip looses when he hears his daughter's words.

"Can she?"

Jaime looks at his daughter,  _ slowly _ .

"Father?"

This entire castle wants him  _ dead _ . He's sure of it.

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


_ No one wants you dead, Jaime. Stop being dramatic. _

_ Your brother, _

_ Tyrion _

_ A message from Bronn: _

_ You dramatic cunt. You had one situation where your life is fucked, suddenly everyone is conspiring against you. _

Jaime burns the letter.

  
  
  


#

  
  
  


Of course, Jaime gives Brienne permission.

A week later, Brienne's carriage with Tarth's sigil comes to Casterly Rock's gates.

"You can do this, cuz." Mikael whispers besides him. "You are the Lord of this castle."

"What's that supposed to do?" Jaime hisses. His cape itches.

"Nothing. I thought it would mean something to you."

Bran giggles quietly on his side.

_ These annoying bastards -- _

Brienne's carriage opens and she comes out, wearing blue, _ sapphire,  _ long hair and the same skin, the same body that Jaime knows every inch of.

"It's time, Jaime." Bran says.

Jaime walks down and feels his cape flows with the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still here, still motivated on finishing thiiiiis


	23. Brienne V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i have an excuse why it took so long lolol but the next chapter is the epilogueeeee

Brienne sighs as she looks at Podrick, sitting across her. Podrick fidgets, and keeps his head down, while he nervously plays with his hands.

"Well?" She asks. "What are you going to do?"

Couple of years have passed when the most eventful moments of her life happened. Now, everything is peaceful, to the point the Queen has let everyone take a vacation, for as long as her servants need.

And Podrick has followed Brienne for all of the vacations she has taken, and she thought she knew everything about Podrick.

Thought is the word she probably should have noticed.

"I… of course. I would marry Lady Sansa."

Sansa is pregnant with Podrick's child. Everyone knows Sansa's feelings for her squire (Podrick has been appointed as a Knight, but Podrick still acts like her squire) so it wasn't as surprising as Podrick thinks it is. He probably is the only one who doesn't see how Sansa presents herself to him.

"Do you  _ like _ Lady Sansa?"

Podrick raises his head. "Yes… I like her."

"Do you imagine yourself, years from now, to be by her side?"

Podrick doesn't answer.

_ He's still a child _ , Brienne thinks. "You don't need to pressure yourself about this. Lady Sansa likes you, as I'm sure you won't leave Lady Sansa to fend herself now, would you?"

Podrick shakes his head. "I won't."

"Would you hurt her?" She asks. Podrick is about to open his mouth but Brienne cuts him off. "You will. And you probably won't be aware of it when it happens. It could be because you said something awful, or did something that's insensitive." She chuckles as she adds, "or leave her in the middle of winter."

Podrick's eyes shake.

"But that's just part of life. We all make choices. I believe it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, just choose a choice you would regret less." She gives Podrick a look.

"About… Jaime…"

" _ Lord _ ." Brienne corrects.

" _ Lord  _ Jaime." Podrick can't still say his name without gritting his teeth. "Have you… forgiven him?"

Has she?

"Is that required?" She asks dryly.

"Well…"

It's not like she has forgiven Jaime but she's not angry at him, either. She doesn't know what she feels about him. She loves him, that's never going to change but she also can't forget how he's indirectly the reason why she lost her child. And even if she has forgiven Jaime… has she forgiven herself?

For feeling not enough for Jaime? For  _ her? _

Because she felt she was too ugly, too big, too much. If she was  _ more _ confident about herself, a little more proud of what she has, would it have been different, then?

  
  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  
  


Brienne drops Podrick off to Winterfell. Sansa is obviously longing for her man because she runs towards him and hugs him with all of her might as soon as she sees him.

She tries not to imagine the night they shared but to no avail.

She walks away from the scene instead.

Jon and Tormund welcome her, with a look that says,  _ sorry about that thing you just saw. _

Brienne chuckles. "Hello, men."

"Come with us. Arya would like to see you." Jon says.

Brienne catches up to Jon while Tormund pats their shoulders and commands something to the knights. "Where is she?"

"In her room. She's a bit… upset."

Brienne is confused.

Jon seems to sense it. "Gendry's wife gave birth to a son."

"Ah." Brienne breathes. "I see." Sniffing, she says, "At least Gendry's arranged marriage worked out for him."

Jon hums in agreement. He suggests that she rests before she finds Arya but Brienne is not least tired and she's also really curious of what's going on with Jon's sister so Jon smiles, helplessly, and asks a servant to direct Brienne to Arya's room.

Before she leaves, Jon stops him and says, "Thank you."

Brienne would have liked to ask  _ for what? _ But Brienne's tongue curls up as she sees the look in Jon's eyes. She just nods and walks away.

  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  


Arya isn't crying when Brienne meets her but it was a close thing.

Brienne sits at the edge of Arya's bed and waits for Arya to come to her.

Arya sits up and looks at Brienne. "Marriage is one thing but a  _ son _ ?" Arya chuckles humorlessly. "A son, Brienne."

"Mine was a daughter." Brienne points out.

Arya just continues laughing darkly.

"It will be okay, Arya." She soothes.

"When?" Arya whines. "Because it  _ hurts. _ A lot."

"Time will tell."

"Time is so fucking slow." Arya grits.

There's so many things Brienne wants to tell her. Like how Brienne was so broken, she had to seek a Priestess to take away her feelings so she wouldn't feel it anymore.

And where did it take her?

Back to where she started.

Tywin Lannister basically did the same thing and he died a monster.

Pain is inevitable. It is something that will happen, no matter what they do. Lovers, friends, family, even enemies, will bring pain. But would you trade every other memory they have given you just to forget that?

Would it have been worth it?

"Not now, maybe." Brienne tells Arya. "But eventually."

Arya does cry after that.

  
  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  
  


Podrick stayed in Winterfell when Brienne went back to Tarth. As Sansa is pregnant, Podrick had decided to take care of her.

"I still don't know if I imagine my life with her." Podrick informs her. "But I will do my best."

Brienne snorts.

Because hard work is really all that matters. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, are just all about two or more people working together to make it work.

Brienne thinks of Jaime.

She comes home to Tarth.

  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  
  


Brienne exchanges letters with Bran, Tyrion and Joanna. And the three of them… it feels like they're mocking her.

_ I went to Casterly Rock. It is nice here. Less Sansa and Podrick. _

_ My brother is fine. He's enjoying being the Lord of Casterly Rock. _

_ Father is fine, Bri. Will you visit? _

The two letters, she crumples before setting it on fire. She writes most of the nastiest words she could write in their letters (more on Tyrion) and keeps Joanna's letter and tells her that she will only visit if Jaime is okay with it.

That night, she drinks with her father.

"I don't think I will ever be ready for Jaime Lannister." She says, after having too many cups of wine. "He feels a lot like a hurricane. He's destructive."

"But you love him." Her dad grunts.

Brienne thinks of golden skin, green eyes and broken promises. Flaws, imperfections, everything about Jaime.

"I do."

"Then, does it matter?"

_ It does _ , Brienne wants to say. But still accepts the offer when Joanna asks her if she wants to go to Casterly Rock.


	24. Epilogue

Jaime has no expectations when he sees Brienne.

After all, in every situation they've had always result in one of them breaking down. He could count in one hand the times they never had to cry in each other's presence.

And yet, Jaime couldn't help the feeling of something blooming inside his chest, like flowers in Spring.

"Welcome to Casterly Rock, Lady Brienne." He says. He watches Brienne smile at him as she ascends stair by stair. His palm sweat and he thinks of something to distract him. "Podrick?"

"In Winterfell." Brienne answers. "Sansa is pregnant."

Jaime is shocked and not shocked at the same time. He can imagine only a rock can't see how Sansa views that young man.

"And Arya?" Bran asks, drily.

Brienne smiles awkwardly.

Jaime remembers the news of Gendry's child being born, some months ago. Towards Bran, he says, "Why are you asking her when you already know?"

"The same reason why the both of you are still not talking about your feelings."

Jaime feels like he entered a trap. He grits his teeth,  _ this damn brat! He works fast! _ He's about to say something insulting when Mikael cuts him off.

"Before you start killing each other, how about we let Brienne enter and meet Jo?" Mikael walks towards Brienne and offers his hand. "She's the reason why you're here, anyway."

Brienne stiffly takes Mikael's hand. "My thanks."

Mikael hums. "My pleasure, my Lady."

Jaime watches as Mikael smoothly leads Brienne away from them. He glares at Bran. "Was that necessary?"

Bran blinks at him as he waves his hand towards his squire. "What was?" He leaves Jaime on the stairs of gates of Casterly Rock, amused.

Jaime follows him, murmuring insults as he does.

  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  
  


As soon as Brienne comes into Joanna's line of sight, she forgets everything else. She takes Brienne's hand and runs somewhere inside the castle. Jaime doesn't know if he's disappointed or relieved.

He glares at Bran, though. "You're a brat."

Bran just smiles at him.

Mikael orders some servants to take care of dinner. He gives Bran and Jaime a look. "How am I the only one doing something?"

"Take it as a job." Jaime grunts. "You've been staying here and eating without paying."

"I have to mentally support you. That's  _ my _ job." Mikael hisses. Then, he frowns. "These couple of years, you actually stopped being emotionally unstable." He gasps. "By God…"

"What's  _ that _ supposed to mean?" Jaime demands.

Bran laughs.

  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  
  


For a couple of days, Joanna doesn't let anybody near Brienne and Jaime stare at them, helplessly, when they walk far away from him (by extension, Mikael and Bran). Jaime asks Joanna about it and she pouts and says, "I'm the only girl at home."

And well, that's true.

For some miracle, Joanna slept earlier than expected, giving Brienne a chance to leave her room. She manages to eat dinner with Jaime and the rest of the company.

"Tyrion wrote a letter. Has he sent you anything?" Bran asks as Mikael pours him a cup of wine.

"Why are you drinking wine, Mikael and no, he hasn't. Why? What did he tell you?"

Bran shakes his head. "This chicken is delicious."

"One of these days, you will get it, Bran." Jaime deadpans.

Bran says nothing as he swallows the mouthful of his food.

Mikael continues drinking.

"How are you, Brienne?" Jaime asks her.

The entire table goes silent.

One of the servants from the kitchen breaks it by putting more food on the table. She, too, feels something is off. If the sweating and leaving the dining area as soon as she can is any indicator.

"I'm fine." Brienne answers. She clears her throat. "I was in Tarth, and I visited Winterfell."

"Yes, you did tell me about Podrick."

"He's getting married." Brienne informs him. "I'm sure he will send you an invitation."

Jaime snorts.

Brienne smiles. "No. He will. He might have been angry, and he's still angry now, but… he did treat you like his father and Tyrion as his friend. That's why his pain hit him so deep."

Jaime has known that when he left that night, many years ago, in the middle of winter, that Brienne was just the first person in line he hurt. There was Tyrion, Podrick, his unborn child,  _ himself.  _ It has been years, yes, but the pain is still fresh, he knows. That's why he tries his best to show in actions he's worthy to even stand in front of these people to apologise.

"I will be there." Jaime promises. This one, he will keep.

"And Arya… well…"

This time, Bran speaks. "How is she?"

"She was…" Brienne looks like she wants to say something but decides against it. "She'll be fine."

_ She might never be, _ Jaime thinks drily. He takes his cup and drinks.  _ Some wounds will heal but the scars will always fester _ .

"And Jon?" Bran asks. "Has he chosen an heir?"

"I haven't asked him. But I have a feeling he might make Sansa and Podrick's child as one; regardless of the gender."

As they talk about Jon, he remembers the Queen of the Dragon. The one in the throne, alone. Who chose to keep her power than be the one she loves.

It may not have been the choice Jaime would do but she did way better than Jaime had done.

  
  
  
  


#

  
  
  


Mikael and Bran, unsubtly, left him and Brienne alone. And, unsubtly, suggested they walk in the  _ garden _ where Jaime created a heirloom for their unborn child.

_ Unsubtly _ is putting it kindly. Mikael just took Bran and his squire and loudly announced they should go to the garden and talk it out.

"Or duke it out," Mikael added, as he waved. "I don't know how you foreplay."

_ Foreplay your mother! _ is what Jaime would have said but Brienne chuckled and said, "Let's go?"

Now, they're in the garden, walking.

Sunflowers are everywhere and in the middle of them all, is Oathkeeper.

"It was difficult." Brienne says, after a moment of comfortable silence. "Falling in love with you."

Jaime flinches but says nothing.

"You were a mouthy, annoying, disobedient excuse of a man. Everything you say was shit." Brienne looks at him, and in the shadow of the lanterns, she looks like what Jaime imagines when he thinks of a goddess. "But loving you was easy. It was like breathing. When you know how to do it, you don't even need to constantly remind yourself to do it, it just happens."

Jaime looks at Brienne, back.

"Then, you left and suddenly I was drowning."

They stop in front of Oathkeeper.

"Maybe it wasn't just our time, then." Brienne whispers.

Jaime blinks, his eyes moist. He never even realized he's crying. "Someday, we might see each other again, far away from here and we could give it another shot."

_ I believe I would still look for you in my next life _ , is what Jaime doesn't say.

It's okay.

They have time.

He would say it, when they're no longer afraid of ruining each other again.

Like an answer to his prayer, Brienne smiles at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to say, thank you for reading and staying with me on this journey. i did this fic because i was so mad at what d&d did to my favorite characters and favorite ship but now, that i have moved on and felt less angry, i'm glad i finished this. i'm glad that i gave them a good goodbye.
> 
> happy anniversary to this story, as well. it has been a year.
> 
> happy holidays everyone and Please wear mask, sanitize and don't leave your house unnecessarily. take care!
> 
> this has been paying for the price :)


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